Friday, 30 January 2015

Make me strong enough to bear the loneliness, endure my writing life

Make me strong enough to bear the loneliness, endure my writing life with no one to share it with.
I know this morphine (this composure) is a painkiller not a cure. The disease is still there, but it’s better to have the painkiller than the pain. The disease I believe is incurable. So I will need this morphine forever. I am now finding more and better strains of it. Morphine rather than pain. Composure rather than decomposure. Voluptuous luxuries rather than black emptiness. Composure and morality, as long as people don’t get too close, then I have to go on the defensive to keep them out.
No one is going to deflect me from my path, to the hanging gardens of Babylon, my Swiss bank vaults.

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Good, it's a challenge

Good, it's a challenge, it's an expedition; to the Lost World.

Saturday, 24 January 2015

If you don't deal with things they will come back at you

If you don't deal with things they will come back at you.
Jerzy Kosinski liked the weird sex clubs at night, was a respectable interviewed writer by day.

Friday, 23 January 2015

I’m still living at home because I’m saving all my resources for what’s important to me

I’m still living at home, because I’m saving all my resources for what’s important to me.

“The type of the turn of the century, the fin de siècle has its ancestor here: the personality which destroys itself by undermining these bourgeois principles of life which have shaped it—fulfilment of duty, choosing a career.”
“The same corrosive forces are also at work in Thomas but he keeps them in check through stern self-discipline. Where Christian goes to pieces as a person Thomas forms for himself a bourgeois personality. Yet the source of this form, outer and inner, is despair: he recoils from emotional anarchy and disintegration. ‘At last he said, and his voice had a ring of feeling: “I have become what I am because I did not want to become what you are. If I have inwardly shrunk from you, it has been because I needed to guard myself—your being, and your existence, are a danger to me—that is the truth.’ This is the ‘composure’ of Thomas Buddenbrook which becomes the aesthetic and ethic of a new bourgeois culture. But this does not resolve Mann’s dilemma of ‘composure’ or emotional anarchy. What about artists, where the problem is the life of the artist himself. That is, can one by restraining the emotions, by a policy of ‘composure’ turn artistic activity into a career?”
"Gustav Aschenbach creates a perfectly formed life and an impressive body of work on the basis of a ‘composure’ ethic. Both life and work rise above the vulgar everyday with a stern pride, above both its small-minded philistinism and its equally small-minded anarchist bohemianism. But it takes only a little conflict, provoked by scarcely anything tangible, and a dream within this conflict, for the ‘composure’ to break hopelessly and irresistibly down, as if it had never been the product of a sincere, self-denying, hard-won life."
"In Prince Albrecht the formation of ‘composure’ dissolves into the self-awareness of its emptiness and triviality. He compares himself and his royal ‘composure’ with the behaviour of a half-wit who thinks he is signalling departing trains to depart. And Dr Unterbein, an enthusiastic advocate of ‘composure’ and the excellent qualities which should spring from it, collapses like Aschenbach—as the result of a tiny unimportant happening. ‘This quarrelsome and uncongenial man…who had haughtily resisted familiarity, and had ordered his life cold-bloodedly with a view to results alone…there he lay now: the first hitch, the first obstacle in the field of accomplishment, had brought him to a miserable end.’”

Composure isn’t enough, on top of that you must strive to give out more warmth, to form real relationships. Composure must only be a means to an end, not an end in itself.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Saw Dr A----- and that was all right

Saw Dr A----- and that was all right. He said there’d be a waiting list, but not as long as before, but bear with us, we won’t forget you. He said you know Sarah has moved on, but they had had a discussion about me. He said thank you for the letter, beginning and at the end.
“In search of bourgeois man: Living means fighting within you, the ghosts of dark powers. Writing is putting on trial, your inmost self. “ Ibsen.
“Thomas Buddenbrook is a broken man, his efforts to revive his firm having long since failed. He has lost hope of his son succeeding him and accomplishing what he has failed to do. His relationship with his wife becomes more and more difficult, intellectually and emotionally. It is at this point that he comes across The World as Will & Representation. And what is its effect upon him. ‘He was filled with a great surpassing satisfaction. It soothed him to see how a master-mind could lay hold on this strong, cruel, mocking life and enforce and condemn it. His was the gratification of the sufferer who has always had a bad conscience about his sufferings and concealed them from the gaze of a harsh, unsympathetic world, until suddenly, from the hand of an authority, he receives, as it were, justification and licence for his suffering—justification before the world, this best of all possible worlds which the master-mind scornfully demonstrates to be the worst of all possible ones!....He felt that his whole being had unaccountably expanded, and at the same time there clung about his senses a profound intoxication, a strange, sweet, vague allurement which somehow resembled the feelings of early love and longing.’ The bitterest opponent of Schopenhauer could not paint a better picture of the philosopher as the apostle of decadence.”

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Love for Proust is agonising jealousy

“Love, for Proust, is agonising jealousy; there is no room for fondness or companionship. Finally, there is disillusion and indifference, and the sorrow felt by Swann when he realises he has wasted his life pining for a woman he doesn’t even like.
The narrator sees a poetic vision of beauty and elegance, the Guermantes and their friends framed in a box at the theatre, glistening with jewels and unattainable glamour, but already ironic laughter is not far away. When he meets them, and is invited to dinner, he soon discovers the distressing banality of the world of the rich and nobly born. It is one more disillusion. Even the celebrated wit of the Duchess herself is simply paradox spiced with malice.
The third occasion the narrator is projected into lost time is when he treads on a loose cobblestone in a Paris courtyard. He finds himself in St Mark’s, walking on the uneven marble floor. Venice, for him, is art. Unlike love, or Paris society, art never disappoints, or disillusions. He knows he has within him a work of art waiting to be written. After one last party with his friends grown old and wrinkled, where he finds the grandees, formerly so exclusive, married to the very people they refused to receive, he shuts himself up and works until his dying day.”
I’ve worked really hard in this month of January; no time for anything else.
“Pinter’s silence is due to fear. Fear of being known. Fear of knowing other people. Fear of intimacy. Silence to protect ourselves.”

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Going down the stairs

Going down the stairs, the house felt so Poe-esque; warm and lovely

Monday, 19 January 2015

There is some humanity in my brain

There is some humanity in my brain, and she grabs hold of it and pulls it out so I can be human and warm in that room; but outside it drifts off again somewhere inside my brain and I can't find it and be inside it.

When she was saying, you've got three options, you can come back to see Dr A-----, you can think about it for a few months, or you can do nothing. But I would suggest you don't choose the third option because nothing is going to improve for you. Maybe she was really talking about the -- then. You can go and do something about it, you can think about it for a few weeks or months before doing something about it, or you can just do nothing, shunt it to back of brain and try to forget it, deny it, deny the sexual urge like I denied M, but then nothing would improve. And at the end: I hope you do something, a very meaningful and deliberate choice of words, looking me in the eye, hand on shoulder.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

"Looking after people who look after you and returning the favour "

"Looking after people who look after you and returning the favour is what you should be seeking to do Friday. Give to others now unconditionally and without desire of reward and you will earn their undying gratitude. Then, when you need them, they'll come running."

Friday, 16 January 2015

I start again from here

I start again from here.
It is lovely to see the different naked young women: black feathers breasts, purple & black feathers, etc. Back to Marx?
Make the nice people all.
I’m protected in my Italian Justice Ministry, like Di Pietro, and always will be; my gothic statues, domes, columns, horses, murals covering every wall. A man of destiny.
"The sooner you understand you cannot go it alone in this world, the more you'll see it's time to delegate or trust someone who has proved themselves more than once recently. A relationship is where two people come together for a specific purpose, don't block it."

Thursday, 15 January 2015

If you or anyone else you know are hooked on a bad habit [15 Jan 1997]

"If you or anyone else you know are hooked on a bad habit, health is the main victim today. It's time to get help or support before far more serious consequences occur on a physical or psychological level. Get to the core of why an addiction exists."

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

If you spend your whole life alone [13 Jan 1997]

If you spend your whole life alone it's not surprising you become bitter and resentful of people who have wronged you. That is why coming here is so special for me, the only place I feel warm feelings directed at me. The street feels a hostile place to me. I realise I cannot come here forever, but for this short time it's just such a sanctuary.
"Are you living by archaic rules or self-made regulations? If so, it's time you got out of the prehistoric groove and reorganised and restructured your daily life and routines. Time-honoured and traditional practices that work can stay, but nothing else!"

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Saturday, 3 January 2015

If your brain is damaged at birth therapy can help make your life more bearable [3 Jan 1997]

If your brain is damaged at birth, therapy can help make your life more bearable, you can share your thoughts with someone; but it cannot turn you into a normal social person. If the therapist sets you impossible tasks, it will just make you more depressed. I am an evil genius. I can inflict punishment on anyone I choose. I am the smiling, ruthless Si-Fan leader. The evil genius behind the red revolutionary party of Western Europe. I have survived the conflagration of the war, the siege, the commune, the massacred of the “bloody week”, and now re-emerge into the new venal pleasures of Paris 1875. Thank god I’m still alive, by some miracle, free to enjoy the luxuries again; but very aware of the black period of suffering he had to go through, it is very close to him still, so easy to fall back into. But I survived, I’ve come through to enjoy some of the pleasures again, the way I never thought I could. The Spectacle of Modernity. Berthe Morisot: flaneurs. You can’t hold back the tide of silence for long. The big project starts here: I’m more excited by my writing now than I’ve ever been.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

I am a boorish anti-social man like Karl Marx [2 Jan 1997]

I am a boorish, anti-social man like Karl Marx, with no charm or warmness.

A return to the venality of Paris 1875 [1 Jan 1997]

A return to the venality of Paris 1875, but the pain is still very real and very close.