Tuesday, 30 June 2015

The older I get the more I come into myself

The older I get, the more I come into myself. The more distant I move from other people. I can't stop growing. They may want me to stop at 5'6" but I'm very sorry, I'm still growing. Because they're short, stunted, ugly people, they want to crush me. I'm very sorry but I will continue to resist them. You were trying to stunt my growth too. Surely you should encourage it? Aren't I allowed one person's support, encouragement, acceptance? I don't need you putting pressure on me to stunt my growth, I get that from everybody else.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

It's better to indulge yourself, than keep denying yourself, isn't it?

It's better to indulge yourself, than keep denying yourself, isn't it? The strength I feel in my newspaper diary on June 28 this year, compared to the weakness and fragility of last year.
The Astral or home. Go and get it out of your system. Get it over with. Do something that makes me feel really dirty and ashamed, that way I will get a creative spark the next day. A compost heap glows with all the radioactivity, all the fireflies and dung beetles feeding on it. The dung in the bats cave. All the life it supports. How inspiring Malandra model was, National Portrait Gallery vampire Tuesday was. The strength of my revulsion propels me to creative ideas.
21/6: The Sun's ingress into Cancer gives you plenty to think about. Psychologically you have been under enormous pressure, especially over sexual and money matters. In the coming weeks you have to accept many things you have been trying to avoid. You can't.
25/6: There are a series of thoughts going through your head concerning your most private passions and secret fantasies. What is obvious is you aren't satisfying internal urges, mainly due to not understanding your own psychology. If you can't, how can anyone else?
The pink bikini tall girl in those Astral films is so orgasmically, squelchingly good, I must go back to see her again. Plus Alexandra Quinn in that small black dress, blonde on bed in black basque looking at photos. I'm just ready for it now. Just Sunday to get through now, then Monday bus to Time Centre, train to Charing Cross, Virgin, Foyles, yellow shop, Astral.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

At bad times I yearn to be a monk

At bad times I yearn to be a monk, to be allowed to live for ever in total silence and contemplation. Then I think I can do that here. All that getting me to talk, it's just stupid. Being with other people just makes me so unhappy. I need my privacy and my silence. That is who I am. It hurt me because Sarah always ignored that. If you can't be alone, you need to carry that peace around with you.
Walking down the road in my coat in the drizzling rain, it felt so much like September; I thought how much I love going to the Dix club after Chandos in the dark afternoons. That little cauldron of colour and girls. With no emotion involved, the way it should be. Pouring with rain as I came back.
I'm looking for self-realisation, and I will only find that in my writing. I want to explore that now, now you've helped me find the secret door in.
Sex dancers who create their own fictional world in the orange light amidst the blackness, and drag you into it. God, I can't wait for September. The thought of red Gillian Anderson dancing in black lace dress. Why can't May lead into September. I want Ruby, Sneaker Pimps, Placebo, Swiss gold, Chandos, Dix club, models in Brewer Street warm rooms before football in the black Wednesday evenings.
This vampiric period has coincided with Batman and Batgirl! Purple and black.
Am I Blue? 1920s New York jazz club atmosphere, smoky, ferns, illegal drink. The orgasmic sexy intoxication of Tristan und Isolde is no greater than when a stripper's eyes meet those of a certain man's and they just steadily look at each other for a few prolonged moments.

Friday, 26 June 2015

We've had 11 days of continuous rain and gloom

We've had 11 days of continuous rain and gloom. It's been lovely. September weather. Phnom Penh monsoon weather. We've just got a month of hot July to get through, then we're up to August 6th, when everything should get better.
I can hardly wait for September gloom, rain, darkness, going to pictures, Chandos with my Evening Standard, then walking through the black volcanic cauldron to Dean Street and Sunset Strip. Then coming out to go to Chelsea or the Coliseum. It's a good life. I just need enough to live on. Work for short spells to give me this.
"But when Wilde put aside the tragic role which he played with such zest, and gave rein to his intelligence, he realised that he had not altered in the least, and that if anything prison had intensified his individuality:"
"'At every single moment of one's life one is what one is going to be no less than what one has been.'"
"'To regret one's own experience is to arrest one's own development.'"
"'I don't regret for a single moment having lived for pleasure. I did it to the full, as one should do everything that one does.'"
"'I am far more of an individualist than ever I was. Nothing seems to me of the smallest value except what one gets out of oneself. My nature is seeking a fresh mode of self-realisation.'"
"'My ruin came not from too great individualism of life, but from too little. The one disgraceful, unpardonable, and to all time contemptible action of my life, was to allow myself to appeal to society for help and protection.'"

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Only a week to go then we're out of June!

Only a week to go, then we're out of June! Yesterday was the darkest, stormiest, rainiest day I can remember. I can't remember the last time it rained so much. This is the rainiest week I can remember, since I was at M------- in September 1986. This time next week we'll be into July. Then we'll be counting down to August 6th. In February/March 1991 I grew so much, and progressed so much, having been held back for a year. I was held back for 6 months at the Post Office.
"Rayfield reveals Chekhov as a Don Juan, promiscuous and ferociously unwilling to allow further intimacy after sex. Since he was very attractive to women and moved in advanced Bohemian circles, there were not a few cast-off women in distress whom he repulsed and kept at bay by teasing. He also used their painful experiences as material for his plays. Not only this: from the age of 13 he frequented brothels, and liked to boast to his men friends about the exotic prostitutes he used, dusky-skinned, Japanese and French. Writers are complicated beasts. Chekhov needed privacy and freedom more than he wanted loving intimacy with sexual partners. Out of this privacy came the great stories and plays. How do we measure the sufferings of the women he hurt and abused against his greatness?"

Monday, 22 June 2015

Friends of Oscar

Friends of Oscar.
Made to feel ashamed of what they are, and what they do. To show they are more than stains on a Savoy sheet.
In the Post Office and afterwards, I accepted I'm going to be different forever, and came to terms with it. I think you could have done more to help me restore my sense of worth, not undermine me even more.
Looking back on the early weeks of the year, you know how frustrated you were in the weeks between visits; I look back through the newspaper diary and feel the frustration of those days, and the lack of relief brought by the visits and subsequent progress.

Saturday, 20 June 2015

Thought about going to Astral but too late

Thought about going to Astral but too late. Go back Monday perhaps, if it is raining. Those Astral films really are so good, naked Ashlyn Gere in the desert phone booth in Someone Else, Jenna Jameson in Betrayed. Black PVC catgirl. Perfect Pair Alexandra Quinn. Cliff Banger pink bikini tall girl and girl by pool. They are so good.
I do like the Astral sex films, and the models; so that's it.

Friday, 19 June 2015

I am weird. To shave off my awkward edges is wrong

I am weird. To shave off my awkward edges is wrong. You should help me celebrate my awkward edges. Then I'd be able to grow into myself.
I resisted their pressure, but then I tripped. I needed help back up, to resist it again, because their pressure is false,wrong, vile. It should be resisted.
If they rang up this week and said I was starting work at ------ in D----- on Monday morning, I would understandably go back to model, and go back to Astral: there'd be no reason not to. It's only the finite nature of my money, with no more in prospect, that stops me. If I thought money was coming in again, there'd be no problem about going back to model: I could enjoy it wildly, recklessly, non-stop. Plus Astral.  Go back to Astral next week. Why not get off train at Charing Cross and walk straight to model: that would be exciting. If I was starting work Monday, I would definitely go back to model tomorrow, so isn't it stupid not to do it anyway? The only thing that guts me and kills me as I come out is that I've wasted £20 of my finite, dwindling resources. If I had wages coming in, I'd go back time and time again, and really enjoy it. This is important to remember. Get off train and go straight to model. That's the life I want. Get job again soon, so I can start to do it.
Very black now and raining, 2.34PM. How I wish I was in the Astral now.
To help find your way round your memory, it helps if there's hills and mountains, columns & towers.
Monday was good just for the sheer pleasure of it. I felt dirty and ashamed afterwards, but so what! That's a good feeling.

You should help them to celebrate themselves

You should help them to celebrate themselves, to feel proud of themselves. You tried to make me feel ashamed of myself, same as everyone else does.
My stories are all a metaphor, it is a book of parables.
"I accept the situation as it is, and no longer hope for a miracle. I feel happy when I think of you." This time last year and this day last year was such a low, and stressful time for me. So peaceful and calm this time.
Go back to Astral Friday (raining). Twice in one week. Go mad.
"I'm educated. I have my own take on life, on my sport. Whatever people say or do won't make me change. I'll only change what I want."
"It's normal--if people talk about you it's because you exist. I'm proud that they talk about me. Whether it's good or bad."
Like Camus, I yearn for abuse.
The Astral is the vital letting off steam I need, from job-hunting, and trying to write my book.
"Art should inspire an erection in the soul. All the rest is literature. It doesn't matter what excites me; it is always invention and figure. The exact and the discovered. Research bores me to death. The soul doesn't respond."
"The advice is simple: Write. If he doesn't write, he doesn't eliminate. He poisons himself."
"Yesterday found all the notebooks of my Journal which were at Paul Morihien's. Leafing through them, I realise once again how much you must accumulate in order to obtain ever so little. The terrible labour concentrated in a single drop, whose scent immediately evaporates."
"Even if I do not understand what I am, that is what I must be. My only safeguard."

A rich interior life

A rich interior life. I want to go back to see Cliff Banger already. That is my gutter. I'm Oscar Wilde and that is my gutter.
Aren't I better off this year? Yes, I'm so strong, calm, content. Having 6 months money in the bank is a help. To work for a while, save money to buy me a year's freedom. That's my plan in life now. Preserve as much time as I can for my rich interior life. I just want to think. Work is for people with nothing better to do.
If that's my nature, you should help me find acceptance of it.
My brain is fragmented. Talking to me is like trying to eat a plate full of broken glass. The glass in my brain was broken at birth. It shattered me, and a million pieces of broken glass inside your brain is not operable. If you can help me stay away from people, it will help me avoid getting cut to ribbons.
To make a story out of my own life. Sublimate my pain in my stories, make a gem out of it.
Porn excites the brain, releases the pressure, opens the black door for a couple of days again. You need a spell in the gutter to find the fuel to propel you to the stars. The black rocket can now blast off on another mission. But after a couple of days it falls back to earth again. You work on the scientific information you have gathered, until you've squeezed all the information you can get out of it. Then you must gear up and prepare for a return to the gutter again. The explosive combustible rotting material there will provide the fuel again to propel you back to the stars for another mission. And so it goes on.
You were trying to stop me being weird, forcing me to bend to be normal. I want to make a life for myself as a weird person, as difficult as that is.
Because I've had that all my life, people trying to force me against my grain, against my nature, to please them. Help them to celebrate themselves. He's been crushed under the pressure all his life, and he's been resisting it all his life, it would be better if you helped him break out and celebrate himself. To confound!
Releasing the submarine hatch, a stroke of genius! It does release the pressure, but unfortunately the crew are drowned. That's the like the operation was successful but the patient died.
They are my First World War Mata Hari films. Go back to Astral (Friday) and enjoy it.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

I felt like Oscar Wilde leaving his rent boys as I left the Astral

I felt like Oscar Wilde leaving his rent boys as I left the Astral, walking the streets back, everyone watching me. I suppose I just imagined it. The films were very good. Perfect Pair. Cliffbanger. Busting Out. Shock. The very tall blonde in pink swimsuit in Cliffbanger, she was fantastic. NEVER AGAIN. £8.80.
I'm a writer. I'm like Vincent. I'm like F.G.Lorca. I'm like Franz Kafka. Weak pathetic creatures, can you imagine them sitting at a desk in an office? Keep them at arm's length as much as possible. I just want to  be left alone, in my own little world, to write my stories.
It's no good making me go against my nature. They won't accept me. You wouldn't either. I found it difficult. Like a homosexual for a long while finds it difficult to accept his own nature. You should help me accept it and make the best of it.
Was this the end of Cuba? Maybe. Already I want to see the pink bikini tall Cliffbanger girl again.
I'm ashamed of my sleazy life, but it's my nature. Control it. Put it into my writing.
The necessarily secretive world of Victorian homosexuals.
I'm beautiful like Federico. Fucked up like Vincent, writing pathetic helpless scribbles. Cowardly like F Kafka.
Vampires get great pleasure from sucking blood, but it's a very lonely and empty life.
Oscar Wilde's shame was his rent boys; mine is the Astral Cinema, and Sunset Strip. It is a nasty, unpleasant, necessary hygienic ritual, weekly it seems. It is my gutter. I'm a prince, in dark blue & black.
They are all Fu Manchu films.

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

The Daily Star pictures have only sometimes seemed appropriate

The Daily Star pictures have only sometimes seemed appropriate for the newspaper diary, it depended on the day and the week. But now they seem permanently relevant. I would never not put it in. This time tomorrow I could be heading to Astral. I am completely rampant now. Out of control. But no, in control, just much more rampantly relaxed now. I want it so I'll do it. "Oscar Wilde, laughing and weeping, with his paradoxes and pride, generous, amused, relaxed." "I am hard at work being idle." "Action is limited and relative. Unlimited and absolute is the vision of him who sits at ease and watches, who walks in loneliness and dreams." "To do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world, the most difficult and most intellectual." "Praise makes me humble, but when I am abused I know I have touched the stars." "To be good is to be in harmony with oneself. Discord is to be forced to be in harmony with others." "Hard work was simply the refuge of people who had nothing better to do." "The natural life is the unconscious life." "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people's lives alone, not interfering with them." "Every impulse that we strive to strangle broods in the mind, and poisons us...The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." I'm no longer brooding on the temptation of prostitutes as I did for a long while before March-May, I'm now only brooding on the temptation of Astral, which is easily rectified tomorrow. "All his plays were written when he was on holiday, and the names of the leading characters were usually taken from the places where he had stayed or in the neighbourhood. None of his plays took more than 3 or 4 weeks of actual work to polish off, though he sometimes lazily lingered over them: they were his scrapbooks into which he put bits he could recall from his own conversation." "If you don't want to change you're going to find it very difficult. Because that's what it's all about: creative transformation."

Sunday, 14 June 2015

I really didn't want to go to Astral last Wednesday

I really didn't want to go to Astral last Wednesday, I went in the lobby and came out again, but now I'm just ready.

Saturday, 13 June 2015

Carmen very good

Carmen very good, very enjoyable, especially the Toreadors song, and 'Carmen, I love you', when I thought of me and Sarah, Cleopatra's temple, Tristan & Isolde day. From then on I had Tristan & Isolde in my head all the time, the emotions of that day. I felt the same thing tonight. Carmen seduced me and then turned away. £8.
Stupidly went to Boulevard. Sensational black-haired girl in black & gold underwear, eyes met and held as I came in. She then held my eyes very directly a lot. She is another black bob. Absolutely sensational, eyes flashing electrically from man to man, missing no one, smiling warmly and beaming sometimes. The vampire blonde girl was sexy too. Only 4 girls, saw black hair four times then left. £14.23.
Bought £4.50 Si-Fan Mysteries Fu Manchu book and £10 Oscar Wilde biography (1946). Extravagant, but probably necessary.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

No one will comprehend that it just goes against my nature to be with other people

No one will comprehend that it just goes against my nature to be with other people, no amount of pushing and pressure will change that.
I think you should just acknowledge it is my nature, and to try to force someone against their nature can never help anyone. To say the abuse and sneering snide remarks someone gets is their fault and they should change to fit in with the people sneering is wrong. You should encourage them to cultivate themselves, feel pride in themselves.
It's my biology. Isn't it better to just accept that. It would be a relief. Trying to artificially bend me into something I'm not brought no relief or contentment. You made me unhappier and more unstable. 
It's like a doctor's note to excuse me from games, I'd like a doctor's note to excuse me from talking. Can you understand what a relief that would be? Do you see how your previous tactics made everything worse. You just seemed to be confirming their view I am simply a pathetic human being, who deserves to be sneered at unless he changes--to be just like them! Honestly! Do these people ever look at themselves in the mirror? Do they have no self-awareness whatsoever?
Carmen is about someone trying to assert her own sexuality (personality) in a milieu in which the prevailing leering masculine sexuality (personality) is overwhelmingly dominant. None other is allowed, they have the field, and they will not yield.
This is my carmen, my walled enclosed garden. That's their problem. I like the way I am. That's the beginning and end of it.
Grey and overcast, hot and breezy now 7.15PM. There was no great imaginative spark last Thursday because it was such a dismal anti-climax of a day. I have to go to Boulevard and models for the sake of sparking my book forward every week.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

What people reproach you for, cultivate

What people reproach you for, cultivate. They're jealous, of my riches. I am powerful, secure, safe in my black fortress.
I've got my quiet intelligence. Abuse is the best thing, because it sparks your spark of originality into life. It makes you see what valuable riches you have got. Makes you cultivate your riches more, and get more out of them. They've got no inner riches, so throw abuse is all they can do.
I like pushing the edges of the pocket; pushing people to the edge. I get what I want from them, bouncers which I can leave alone, with relief. I manipulate them into hostility which leaves me untouched. But I have to remain alert all the time, lest someone creeps up on me unawares and is nice to me, then I am beaten.

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Yesterday was fantastic

Yesterday was fantastic, all those beautiful sexy girls. I like seeing, just seeing. Try meeting their eyes more, like those two on the bridge. Why didn't I meet their eyes, there was no reason not to.
Once you realise that these stupid ugly little people have got it in for you, you can start to enjoy defying them.
This has been a great year, and saying that I'm thinking of grey tweed, train girl, the girls yesterday, not Carnival girls, models or Sunset Strip, Astral. Why didn't I want to go to Boulevard Thursday? The sun, hot weather, I suppose. I had to satisfy my curiosity about that cinema. Maybe try and leave it till September, Mask of Trotsky now. It is getting very hot now. Yesterday was T-shirt day really. Carmen on Wednesday, though. The start of a long hot summer starts here.

Saturday, 6 June 2015

I want to have a real relationship

I want to have a real relationship, but I don't think it's very good pretending I'm someone I'm not, it's better to accept the reality of who I am, and the limitations. Stop trying to bend me to fit in with your idea of what I should become. I like being me, but I also don't really want to be alone forever but realise I probably will be. I like being me, and I think I have worth being me. I don't want you to destroy me. Sarah was trying to destroy me, same way everyone else does.

Friday, 5 June 2015

Thursday, 4 June 2015

I never say anything more than necessary

I never say anything more than necessary. Doesn't that make you think that is just who I am, and to try to force me against that is going to make things worse? If you know me, you've got to accept I'm silent. My family did. I'm a silent person. I get pressure off of everybody to be just like them. It would be nice to have one person saying you don't have to be. Don't you think it's likely I will never be able to have a relationship? Can't we talk about it. The more pressure you put on someone the harder you make it for them, I think she should see that. I cannot function under that pressure, that's a fact. You've got to put your foot down with these people: they think they can make judgements on you and then you've got to change to suit them. I reject their lies completely. Behind their laughter I see their fear, their jealousy, their loathing: that I have all the things they cannot have.
I love the sleaziness of the Astral cinema. Sunset Strip. To talk politely is repulsive, I get nothing from it. Brothels are good, because the women are stripped of their personality, it's just sex. No emotion or identity.
Last Tuesday was a very important day, wasn't it. To see the 'Statue of Oscar Wilde' exhibition in the National Portrait Gallery, but then to spend a full 4 HOURS in the Astral Cinema, seeing all the films, going all the way, letting myself ---, seeing black cock, being propositioned. A very liberating vampiric day. That led to Wednesday's creativity and gramophone record idea.
Go completely out of control now, spend lots of money, then give myself to red TC woman.

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

I've got it perfect now, haven't I?

I've got it perfect now, haven't I? No shame or guilt. Rich vampire enjoyment. I've finally got used to 'the hour of the flesh'; ever since that last mistake on Tuesday 6, day before The Mask and Searching the Volcano, when after a brilliant return to Sunset Strip and big breast blonde, I ruined it by going to model. But maybe by coming at last I solved my problems. Monday 19th was my first "perfect" day. The Relic, pub, and big breast blonde at Sunset then home. Followed by perfect Tuesday 27th, pub then 4 hours in the Astral. Two perfect days. No shame or repressed desires. I did what I wanted, no less and no more, just right. The more certain I am about my writing, the more certain my life becomes. This is the strongest I've ever been. I felt so strong in D-- and on the buses today. Thursday, after Prenom Carmen, straight home or Boulevard? Not much time for pub. Next Wednesday before Carmen is better. I've got my priorities right: write my stories, and once a week let off pressure at Boulevard, Sunset or Astral. I enjoyed the last vampiric visits to Boulevard and Sunset so much I want to do it again now. I've never known how to enjoy it before.

Monday, 1 June 2015

My vocation in life is to be an introspective person

My vocation in life is to be an introspective person. Pressure from you will not change that. Inside is all that feels right. Other people put pressure on me to be just like them, but then I read Lorca and Van Gogh, and that calms me down again, it's all right to be like that too. If your head's full of paintings you should paint and if that repulses people, well that's a shame. You can only be yourself. I don't want to be with another person. Why would I do what I don't like. Why would I do what makes my life unbearable? I'm going to have a good time this summer, going to theatre, cinema, opera, wherever I want, then I'll be happy to go back to work in September.