Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Things can only get better from here

Things can only get better from here. Everything is progress. The next job can only be even better. The next period of money in bank freedom can only be even better.

Monday, 27 July 2015

The goal of my life is to keep writing

The goal of my life is to keep writing. Interspersed by pleasant visits to Chelsea, Dix club.


Sunday, 26 July 2015

The relief I found reading Moorcock, you can be fragmented

The relief I found reading Moorcock, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Schoenberg, Berg, and Webern, you can be fragmented. The relief I found listening to Throwing Muses, and watching Jean-Luc Godard films, you can be fragmented. These things were so beautiful, I found them so moving, I could cry.
Trying to read something I write is like trying to eat a plateful of broken glass. My head is full of broken glass. Most people's heads are full of smooth panes of perfect glass, my head is full of a billion billion shards of broken glass. It was all smashed at birth.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside

I'm invincible because they can never get to me inside. I am an antenna and a punchline. And I am INTELLIGENT. The whole idea of relationships is sickening: the pressure people put you under. I'd rather be abused by a million people than have to talk to one of them.
There is a majority of good people out there.
I live in my own little world, and I can't understand why everyone else doesn't live in their own little worlds. I don't think it will even seem less strange. But I have to accept it--I'm one of a kind.
I woke up this morning thinking I never want to go to Sunset Strip, Astral Cinema, again. But now I cannot wait for September, that return to London, Sunset Strip, night bars, the "hour of the flesh".
I want the abuse, I love it, like Camus's outsider. Sunset Strip's notoriously louche cabaret, that's what it is. It is Mata Hari, Anita Berber, Maud Allan, Ruth St Denis.


Wednesday, 22 July 2015

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life

It is only by being alone that I resolve dilemmas in my life, and achieve greater strength and equilibrium.
Write the pornography I'd like to read. I spend my life thinking. I wish I could do it forever.
"Such stress couldn't help but damage his mental health. He suffered severely from depression, obsessions, etc. He begged me to stay: left to himself he'd be tormented by his obsessions."

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

I'm definitely starting to think about it now

I'm definitely starting to think about it now: I want the Astral, I want the Dix club, I even want the model (like Emma Noble). I've had my haircut, we're near the end of July.
I nearly came in the Astral when Pink Sphinx was beginning to lap dance that man, I had to stop. It is hot and blistering again, heat on skin, I want to go back to silently glowing-skinned Astral and model.
It's a badge of honour, to be abused. It makes me Van Gogh, it makes me Oscar Wilde. To be abused by the stupid people is a compliment. I'm safe, and blowing kisses at them forever.
I am Angkor, hidden in the jungle. In the heart of me is Fu Manchu, the evil, cunning, manipulative genius inside myself. Both the innocent victim and the knowing mastermind.
If you want to strip off and go f--k a model, then go strip off and f--k a model.
Writing is the reason I do everything. It is my daydreams that makes my life worth living.
Hotels and sex clubs is where my characters reside. Rather than home and partners.

The thought of being warm to someone is almost as unpleasant as being nasty to someone

The thought of being warm to someone is almost as unpleasant as being nasty to someone.
Only 10 days left in July.
They're cut from a very mediocre, mundane cloth. And that's all right. I just find it amusing when these mediocre mundane people sit there dropping polite hints I should change to become more like them. You have to politely put your foot down with these people.
"It is certain that my behaviour is incomprehensible and that if I were to change it, I should throw the spiritual mechanism out of joint. The old priest must have wondered why I was at mass this morning, since I do not customarily attend. If I were to play the role of chatelain, I would go to mass every day. If I were to play the role of atheist, I would never go. But I play no role and regard myself as neither chatelain nor atheist. This morning I expressed a kind of inner order (or counsel) to go to mass. I am in the habit of obeying this sort of impulse without attempting to understand it. I suppose that this order (or counsel) corresponds to the profound necessity I experience to follow not "a line" but "my line". Which disconcerts the French symbolised by Moliere, whose miser is continually miserly and whose jealous lover is continually jealous. Whereas living consists only of contradictions in being, of accidental levels which fuel the machine. This morning there were only broken machines around me in church, machines still running only because of a slight incline...I have often noticed this among the Communists, though it is easy to be fooled because the incline is steeper; the broken machine rolls faster."
I've got my own line in life; anything else makes me too unhappy & I can't continue.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Live my quiet contemplative monk's life every day

Live my quiet contemplative monk's life every day, privacy and silence. The letter has gone!
A tropical, calm, green July 9th. Last year bleakness, and pressure. Just a month till the start of the football season! August 9th.
Like those little clustered colonies of life around the ocean floor volcanic vents ---the black smokers---there was little flurries of ideas around my visits to orange dress Emma on March 5th, Rochdale Lisa Stansfield on March 19th, Damnation of Faust on April 16th, and Malandra on Tuesday May 6th. The NPG Carmen Astral visit and the Friends of Oscar Astral visit produced some vampiric gutter sentiments (which weren't of the same calibre). After the models I wrote scenes with other characters, after Astral visits I wrote scenes of vampiric gutter masturbation.

crucifix_fellation

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Tropical heat this morning

Tropical heat this morning. I'm a monk. I need to stay in a monastery and live a contemplative life.
A real relationship is the only salvation. Like that blue-striped long brown hair girl staring at me intently by the Strand.

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Blazing, blistering hot, deep blue skies

Blazing, blistering hot, deep blue skies; and it will be all week.
I'm just sitting waiting to see how long it is before my freedom ends, and I return to work. I'm frozen, petrified, in stasis. Too hot to go out. Just sit it out, with Lorca and Fu Manchu.
Kelly 18, Fire and Ice, Electric Blue. I really wanted to go to model but then we had the mind-numbing Zeta's Revenge, which killed all passion. That Chinese black bob girl with big nipples in Electric Blue!
To be up London in this burning heat, it really does make you want to strip off and f--k a model.
I will definitely keep going to Astral. I will definitely keep going to Sunset Strip in September.



Saturday, 4 July 2015

They are all Fu Manchu/Mata Hari films

They are all Fu Manchu/Mata Hari films. They are all The Story of O.
Astral. Dix.
The Revuebar is to start using nude men in its shows as well! There's that new red plush tacky £12 place. Boulevard is worth one visit in winter. The warm models' rooms in Brewer Street are always there.