Monday, 30 November 2015

I AM A VAMPIRE

I AM A VAMPIRE. It is a happy, healthy release from the pressure. The erotic smorgasbord! Berlin 1928. Berlin Babylon. Find a black-haired Italian girl there.
My vampirism is always there under the surface: bloodsucking.
I like being rampantly erotic in Soho, shoulders back, head up, Wedekind smiling in black hat & cloak, the dark prince.
The Grand Tour, the sexuality of Italy, all the red erupting volcanoes, that August-December last year. This year that of the Symbolist Pre-Raphaelites, women's lubricity, self-love. My erotic life is the only one of interest. But it can't be with other people. They're so normal, and conventional, and social. I yearn to break free to the sex of Soho, the vampires of the Theatre des Vampyrs. Harmless entertainment.
Trying to be a normal person I will always be feeble; as a vampire I will always be strong.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Sex is good, sex is healthy. Nothing erotic, and sexually stimulating is bad

Sex is good, sex is healthy.  Nothing erotic, and sexually stimulating is bad. The more erotic stimulation the better e.g. the Kinsey biography, the sensual, erotic, decadent Pre-Raphaelite Symbolists. Beautiful girls at Dix and Boulevard: I like the sex dancers. Ruth St Denis inspired Egon Schiele. Anita Berber inspired Otto Dix.
I've had a long erotic abstinence, but what have I gained: my brain being eaten away.
EGON SCHIELE FREEDOM & RELIEF, no erotic repression.
My New & Stellar visit in September cleared the blockage and got me moving again.
It is an injection of life blood, regular shots to keep the red blood hot & flowing, and the brain on the edge of illicit shame & stimulation, bubbling along: it helps my creativity.
I feel stronger now because of Dr S-----: I'm not brave enough to go back to work on my own.
Up to October 31st was a thin, nervous, stressful time; since November 1st it has been a much stronger time.
Pornography is my secret, shameful addiction: I've tried to break away from it several times.
"Larsson: at the shoulder of this bluff, good-humoured and ever capable old master stood an observer of altogether darker nature, a man of pessimism and unease, anguish, depression, grief and insecurity, burdened with the hint of madness and a 'hidden horror of life' (his words) that occasionally came out of hiding."
"Symbolism, the most literary, sensual, erotic, decadent (even degenerate and depraved), mysterious and melancholy movement in the whole history of art...The first room of the exhibition is full of these ideal creatures--Helen of Troy, Lilith, Mary Magdalene and The Beloved--all of the same kind, no matter who played painter, all of a brooding lubricity that unsettles a man schooled in sexual restraint and the belief that the lasciviousness of women is a fire of damp kindling."
"She sees a connection between the Dracula of Bram Stoker's novel, and the mythical figure of the Wandering Jew. She also sees another link between the noctural Count and the Whitechapel serial killer Jack the Ripper. The Jack-Drac narrative, she writes, plays out a 'constellation of similar fears, raging from syphilis to alien invasion'. She also throws in homosexuality, feminism, decadence and imperial decline: something for everyone....Women can be bad and wicked in Gothic. Gothic is all about transgression, dealing with taboos." Why can't I visit Soho every week, like I did during the Grosz period? Looking at that picture of Talyn, I do want to go back, don't I? Stellar & Dix.
The biggest thing in my life is pornography. Philip Larkin had his pictures. Wagner had his erotic urges, which produced Tannhauser, Tristan & Isolde, etc. It is necessary fortnightly hygiene: Van Gogh did it. So I like sex films, that's the way it is. BACK TO BERLIN, 1890s, WITH A VENGEANCE!


Concentrate on the higher side of Oscar Wilde now [26 Nov 1997]

Concentrate on the higher side of Oscar Wilde now. They foam & froth, and try to punish me because I'm different. I remain their superior, with blithe disregard for their small, petty desperations.
I'm beautiful, I'm a dark angel, that's why I can go to Stellar and do what I want. Don't drink though. I do want Stellar again, and I do want Dix. It is Christmas. No.

I'm still weak, like 1869 Paris [25 Nov 1997]

I'm still weak, like 1869 Paris.

Jacqueline Bisset in a white T-shirt in The Deep [24 Nov 1997]

Jacqueline Bisset in a white T-shirt in The Deep, that's why I go to New & Stellar.
My chest is nervous, and gripped with tension, and excitement, because I'm going back to Stellar & pub. Keep earning a bit more money and keep on going to London. Just that. I'm a sleazy person, in Berlin, that's the way it is.
To lose myself in Stellar for a full 5 hours, what a luxury!
H.C.'s pink lace stare (so like Nana) will always remind me of dark black windy September afternoon, 1992, when I first went down Dean Street. I will always go  back because of that. Sex is all there is to life: New[gone]/Stellar[gone]/Dix/Boulevard[gone]: I will remain in Soho permanently: that is what I work for.


Now I wish I'd gone to see Floria Tosca [23 Nov 1997]

Now I wish I'd gone to see Floria Tosca, sitting at the back of the balcony in my usual seat, seeing my gods from a respectful distance, my angels: but there was no one in F.Tosca I was mad about. But I should have gone all the same.

I can go to Dix, Stellar, New, Boulevard [21 Nov 1997]

I can go to Dix, Stellar, New, Boulevard: because I'm young, free, and single. I'm not cheating on anyone. I'm attracted to that side of life: the sleazy side. I find inspiration in its vitality, and colours and music.
Pure sensation. Don't have to talk.
I love the naked breasts of the girls at the Italian club, I love the naked breasts of the girls at the Boulevard. That's it. I love it. It is intoxicating, that sex-dancing world.
Liberate myself from such restraints, and learn to love the hour of the flesh.


"Collective lust roared unashamed at the theatres": Berlin 1928, Paris 1860, London 1997 [20 Nov 1997]

"Collective lust roared unashamed at the theatres": Berlin 1928, Paris 1860, London 1997. They are beautiful girls in the films. Wouldn't it satisfy my curiosity if I just went to Stellar and did it? What good does it do, boasting proudly how long I've lasted, 20 days, 21 days, if I'm being eaten away inside my brain every day. Like Toulouse Lautrec, make myself at home among the sex cinemas and sex dancing. The colours & intoxication & pounding music can fuel me, give me energy.
I love the openness & relaxation of the girls in the sex films like Egon Schiele loved his models.
I tried giving up sex cinemas and clubs but I couldn't, it would just be on my mind.
The more I try & resist, the weaker I become. How strong I felt the day after New's shame, how strong I felt the day after Stellar and red room--it is a strong part of my life.
The strong relief that comes from the day after going though! The joy of vampirism Jemma Redgrave Monday, the joy of vampirism purple Stephen Fry Monday! Rampantly return to vampiric cinema again, rampantly return to Jemma Redgrave/Stephen Fry Mondays.
Your injunction to me to "do something" takes me in the opposite direction to that what I think I want to go: as I sail down this "do something" river I feel the sense of danger increasing, the sense of being up a creek without a paddle, and moving full speed away from the main river to my destination and the territory I know increasing. But, this is my problem. I wouldn't want to bore you with my problems. I must make this choice for myself, of course.
Haunt the balconies of the Coliseum.
I've become sex-obsessed this year, more morphine-addicted than ever.
I am nothing without the sleazy nightlife, don't just go to musicals, opera, cinema, I do want Boulevard, and New/Stellar. So it's my little naughty vice: everyone needs to let off pressure. I've done nothing today, because I wasted it, consumed by sinful desire, so better to have gone and gone it, and been relaxed for the next few days: do what you need to do: a little of what you fancy.
It is my project. "Theo had quietly adjusted to Parisian nightlife and the 'hour of the flesh'". Your sexuality is your most powerful force: you must indulge it. Remember that girl watching me as I read the Eric Cantona headline:  how thrilling to turn by her and go in sex cinema. The day after going, I made such huge progress, because I'm no longer preoccupied by thinking should I go or not. IT IS VITAL RELEASE VALVE FOR ME AS A WRITER. The vampirism returns! I've got a crippling addiction. Laudanum-head, like Miranda Richardson in Kansas City.
"They are the typical ramblings of a drug user eager for a fix but without the means to pay....But the previously unseen letters show that as well as his desperation to acquire the drug, he also shared the addict's paranoia about his habit. Although Coleridge's habit was widely known--one reference book describes it as a 'crippling addiction'--the letters reveal the large quantity of opium he took...Coleridge admitted two years before he died that despite repeated attempts, he had never broken his addiction, describing it as the 'poison, which for more than 30 years has been the guilt, debasement, and misery of my existence'. Sotheby's specialist Peter Beal said 'These letters offer a  particularly vivid and rare first-hand glimpse of the compulsive habits and routine of one of the most famous drug addicts in literary history.'" This hysteria of erotic excitement. The sleaziness of life is its vitality.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Last night in bed I comprehensively decided against going to Boulevard/New [19 Nov 1997]

Last night in bed I comprehensively decided against going to Boulevard/New. Now this morning, putting on my tape, I straightaway want to go back to see the dancing girls. Isn't it terrible. This sexual festering disease in my brain, that Manu battled with, Dali, Lorca; so accept it, everyone of artistic temperament has it.
I love the noisy sexy music and the girls stripping and dancing to it. In a debauched Parisian, Bohemian way.
Even the Helmut Newton books turn me off now: I've had too much. Didn't go to pub and Stellar, regretted it on train home. Perhaps I should have done. Better to let it out. Train girl wasn't there. Quite relieved. Perhaps she doesn't work there anymore, or gets a different train. Isn't there a lack of vitality, though, by not going? The shame speeds things up: Stellar, New, Boulevard. You need to indulge, taste the mixture, inject it into your veins.
The urge inside my brain to be alone is so overwhelming, and so driving, so central, so demonic. Peel all the layers away and what you get down to in the core is this urge to be alone. That's what obliterates my life, it is the black hole drive machine in the centre of me.
Egon Schiele: cocks out: sitting in front of nude girl in stockings masturbating smiling: sitting in front of mirror: sitting in Stellar cinema. "Lautrec drawn to everything vital and beautiful:" what is more beautiful than an erect straining cock sticking out of trousers in Stellar? "and so he was addicted to the lively colourful activities of the demi-monde." The inspiration comes from the rotting stuff in the gutter: "and so Soho, with everything that belonged to it, became a second home to him...he saw stars rising & falling in the cabaret heaven and found an inexhaustible source of inspiration for his work... But now he revelled in everything that Parisian night life had to offer his artistic eye: dance, theatre, circus and brothel. He became the interpreter and chronicler of this small world where it must be added, man in his individuality always remained in the forefront for him." I'm fascinated by the men with their penises out in Stellar, the sexual tension.
My favourite painters are painters of prostitutes: Manet, Grosz, Dix, Lautrec, Schiele.
I am the interpreter and chronicler of the small world of Soho: New and Stellar tomorrow. Men with their cocks out.
Regain a healthy relaxation about the demi-monde, prostitutes, sex-dancers, actresses.


What else have I got? I like the cold baleful stare back of the models [18 Nov 1997]

What else have I got? I like the cold baleful stare back of the models, like Manet's Olympia, or any of Egon Schiele's models. He painted them to explore his own sexuality. I write about the strip clubs. I've had a sad life, that's not my fault, I need the colour & vitality of strip clubs and cinema. Because relationships are grey and indistinct.
Zola and Manet didn't live in the sleazy prostitute realism of Paris 1860s just for a nine month project, the same vein occupied them for years. Vampirism will occupy me for years.
The summer months were so empty because I was looking for some substitute for pornography to keep me occupied, failing, and entering the black hole. I only came out with my September visit to Stellar & New, leading to Berlin 1890s idea.
I have a grand ambition, but now I must return to work and earn lots of money to finance it.
Do something useful with my life: does this mean going to work, or writing my book?
I am a strong powerful spy, and the girls who want to love me (seduced by my mystery & glamour) must wait and be frustrated.
For a writer, my models (like Manet's Olympia and Schiele's models) are the girls at the clubs: they don't come to my studio and lie there while I paint them: I go to them and write about them when I get home.
Thursday 30th October, at Dix then (very briefly) in New, was a disaster because I went so deliberately and nervously and premeditatively, trying to fix the emotion beforehand, instead of relaxing and remaining very detached and light. I went looking for something and so didn't find it. Going with no expectations and with no sense of its importance, but simply as a time-filler, it is much more enjoyable and sensation-rich.
So instead of no more going, go very very many times now before Christmas: Boulevard, Stellar, New, Dix. For one day, I stop being me. I hang my normal uniform up here and go out in sinful disguise. My history resumes the next day. It is a page I tear out in advance. Tomorrow is one such "stopped" day, releasing me to do whatever my impulses demand, like the Claridges hotel room was made Yugoslav territory for one night only by king's decree.


Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Don't be weak, I am strong

Don't be weak, I am strong. I want to continue to wear my ---- jumper & ----- jeans, and I will do so. Like Einstein, Karl Marx, Picasso, F.G.Lorca. That's all right, you hold on to yourself.
Feynman went and enjoyed stripclubs while working on his quantum physics calculations book. If I had a big book to set beside me, I would be permitted to have erotic tastes in porn films and strip clubs, like Wedekind, Einstein, Toulouse-Lautrec.
I want to do lots of xmas shopping Wednesday, back to pub for a much needed drink and read of my Evening Standard, and of course my xmas visit to the Boulevard gentleman's club.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Saturday, 14 November 2015

It's been a lurid sexually explicit year

It's been a lurid sexually explicit year. Berlin babylon. Perhaps I should stop getting the Star, that sets the agenda and refuses to let my mind concentrate on more serious things.
Let's face it, I'm doing what I want. But I miss companionship.
You've got to come up with an act, to come out from behind the curtains at the side of the stage with.

Friday, 13 November 2015

I want to enter that Berlin melting pot

I want to enter that Berlin melting pot: decadence, sin, pornography, sexual exploration.
£30 is too much for a book--except one by me.
The lure of Soho will never go away. DO go to sex films and sex dancers before football nights and opera nights.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

They're very kind invitations but they obviously made the mistake of thinking I am a human being

They're very kind invitations but they obviously made the mistake of thinking I am a human being.
I do love the Soho Cinema/Astral Berlin 1920s sex films. I do love the Boulevard/Sunset Strip Berlin 1920s sex dancers. Paris, Renoir, female nudes, 1880s. Berlin, Dix/Grosz, prostitutes, 1920s.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Going to strip clubs is all I want to do. Sexual watching [10 Nov 1997]

Going to strip clubs is all I want to do. Sexual watching. Like Salvador Dali. Fear and shame. Where is my Gala? Every time you said talk to people, you panicked me again, and made me feel tense.
How can I make something successful of my life, rich, interest in joining an accountancy course. "I hope you do something". I like the Soho Cinema & Astral films, and Boulevard & Sunset Strip: it is my shameful secret. It is Egon Schiele Monday night feeling. I love stripping and getting my cock out in public. It is a strong, powerful thing.
Get myself into situations where I can be with real people again, be successful, make money: the poison of my autistic tendencies needs to be purged. It is now the anniversary of our last meeting, exactly a year ago today. "See you later" were your last words to me. I know about the sleazy side of Soho life. I am the cynical observer. Like Wedekind, Toulouse-Lautrec, Egon Schiele, Van Gogh, Dali: I like the sleazy side.

The thrill it would be to see black-haired princess passing by my window now [8 Nov 1997]

The thrill it would be to see black-haired princess passing by my window now, like a month ago. The sexiness of her stare in pink lace picture. That is why I go back to Dix [Sunset Strip] and Boulevard [closed 2013], New [Soho Cinema closed 2013] and Stellar [Astral Cinema closed 2000]. I want to see train girl again.
To go up xmas shopping, see a film, then come home, is so unbelievably boring: I have to go on to Boulevard or blue film.
I'm exploring pornography, I'm exploring my own sexuality: like Egon Schiele. Toulouse-Lautrec. Wedekind.
She said it's up to me to tell her what help I need and she will try to provide it: I'm clarifying it for you, so you can further improve your assistance. If we can diagnose the problem better we can treat it better, do you think.

Monday, 9 November 2015

They're ugly, they open their mouths and ugliness comes out [7 Nov 1997]

They're ugly, they open their mouths and ugliness comes out, they want to smear me with their ugliness because they resent me for my beauty and my intelligence and my serenity. They hate me for being happy in myself. Well, I'm sorry, but I can give them no satisfaction. They destroyed Oscar Wilde, but they will never destroy me, I'm terribly sorry for them. They want to take my serenity away from me, well I'm very sorry for them, but they haven't got the ability to be able to succeed. They must continue to be frustrated.
"I'm educated. I have my own take on life, on my sport. Whatever people say or do won't make me change--I'll only change what I want." [Eric Cantona].
"This strategy is consonant with the tendency of Weimar society in general to test continually the limits of sexuality in relation to legal (or moral) jurisdiction. The cultural artifacts of the Weimar Republic evince a fascination with sexual transgression and the violation of traditional taboos through the exploration of pornography, prostitution, androgyny, homosexuality. Modernity to the Berlin of the mid-1920s entails a sexual expressivity outside the constraints of love or convention. Sexual secrecy--aligned with the bourgeois repression confronted by the newly popular psychoanalysis--is annihilated in an excessive exhibitionism. Accounts of Berlin, such as the following by Stefan Zweig, were common: 'Berlin transformed itself into the Babel of the world'."
I am exploring pornography, like Egon Schiele.
The sexual tension of New [Soho Cinema] and Stellar [Astral Cinema]. Seeing that blonde big breast girl on Rory Bremner I want the pretty sexy girls at Boulevard again: Monday? And Dix again. In the sad spirit of Wilde (the ending) go see Dix again and Boulevard, New & Stellar, remembering sadly seeing train girl on train that morning.


I'm envious of Sarah because she's got a life, she's got a career, she's got money, she's got relationships [6 Nov 1997]

I'm envious of Sarah because she's got a life, she's got a career, she's got money, she's got relationships.
It is nice to get a bit drunk and go and do something like Sunset Strip or Astral Cinema at Xmas time. Relaxed, not knowing who's going to be there now, not caring. It is only when you don't know that it is sexy. Every week becomes a pressured shaming unhappy thing. Not going this week was very good, next week before football is much better. Go to Boulevard because I don't care, return to Sunset in December. It is a xmas L.A.Confidential (Wednesday?). Then I enjoy the pub and the club with all my xmas presents in my bag. No going to Sunset and Astral for the sake of it, that's why it's disappointing and unhappy, I never used to do that, I only went to London for 2 or 3 days xmas shopping and went to Sunset and pub while I was there to make full use of the train ticket. Go back to that again: only before Chelsea games, or after xmas shopping.
The greatest tragedy of my life is that I was ever sent to school, from 4½ to 16. That set the seal on my life, that put the nail in the coffin. Poor old Louise is to be buried in prison for 15 years, I was buried in school for 12 years. It's not the sort of thing people can easily recover from. The psychological damage is permanent.

Wedekind's controversial writing embraced Freud's thesis that civilisation is based on the suppression of the most basic human instinct: the erotic [4 Nov 1997]

"Wedekind's controversial writing embraced Freud's thesis that civilisation is based on the suppression of the most basic human instinct: the erotic. He preached a 'revival of spiritual sensuality and bodily pleasure'--an unattainable freedom of the flesh that outraged late Victorian morality...Wedekind also practiced what he preached. He delighted in scandalising the fin-de-siecle bourgeoisie with his capes and extravagant Mephistophelian garb, and he kept company with avant garde artists and con-artists, prostitutes and petty criminials. He loved bordellos, opium dens, and particularly the circus."

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Louise-Brooks-Biography-Barry-Paris/dp/0816637814

To Louise the city's erotic smorgasbord was the most pervasive and intriguing attribute of 1928 Berlin [4 Nov 1997]

"To Louise, the city's erotic smorgasbord was the most pervasive and intriguing attribute of 1928 Berlin, 'where the ruling class publicly flaunted its pleasures as a symbol of wealth and power.' No account of the city's sexuality at that time is better than her own:
Sex was the business of the town. At the Eden Hotel, where I lived, the cafe bar was lined with the higher-priced trollops. The economy girls walked the street outside...Collective lust roared unashamed at the theatre. In the revue Chocolate Kiddies, when Josephine Baker appeared naked except for a girdle of bananas, it was precisely as Lulu's stage entrance was described by Wedekind: 'They raged there as in a menagerie when the meat appears at the cage.'"

Monday, 2 November 2015

I don't think you should try turning me into a pale copy of someone else

I don't think you should try turning me into a pale copy of someone else, I think you should help me be whoever I am to the nth degree. Help me realise my full potential locked up inside me. Forcing me to become one of the morons at work is rather forcing me in the opposite direction. Your words are such alien sentiments to me. I don't mean to be critical, but you come out with things which to me are so alien.
I said I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm right, I'm just putting down some subjects I wish we could have talked about; in the end I might agree with your point of view, but I still would have liked the chance to discuss the subject, test the proposition: I am speculating, like in a debating chamber. But I felt such debates weren't allowed, we couldn't test alternative propositions, I just had to swallow your orders to talk to people at work.
My illness is a warm, living thing, it's been my only companion, and you just want to cut it off and turn it out the door. I'm attached to my illness, it keeps me warm and safe; if you love me, you must love my illness and stroke it and cuddle it, not say very sorry, no illnesses allowed in here, that's got to be thrown away immediately. It's the illness or me, this room's not big enough for the both of us. You're like a new friend who refuses to allow me to still see my old lifelong friend, who's been with me through thick & thin. I want to love you too but you're ruthless in  not allowing my friend into the realtionship, it makes it very hard for me. You force me to make a choice, give up my lifetime friend for (after I've stopped seeing you) apparent nothingness. I can't help feeling this is an unfair and unrealistic demand. I want to have both of you together, so I can go into the future a bit strengthened, not feeling more vulnerable, and alone.
My illness is the most fascinating thing in my life, it is my black hole drive machine, I love it more than any human being almost: something in me cannot allow you to smash it and destroy it.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Where can I get the joy of yellow Dee Ivens Boulevard day?

Where can I get the joy of yellow Dee Ivens Boulevard day? Face it the sexual sap will always rise, and I will always be tempted back to Soho Cinema & Astral & Boulevard. I love Soho Cinema and Astral because I can get my cock out and rub it till it's wet and sticky.
I start at -2, the advice you give me is for someone who is already at 0. Soho brought a route out of the impasse, but is not an answer in itself once the impasse is negotiated. I do love the sex films!
The Berlin sleazy nightlife goes on, it is early days yet.
I need to pull my life back from the sexual abyss, but not just yet. Because there's nothing else. The sex is always there underneath, sir, it will never go away. I've got lots of Astral & Boulevard & Chandos to look forward to after cinema.
What was wrong about Thursday night? Nothing. It was fun. Powerful and priapic.
The days between visits to Soho are marked by nothing but sexual tension. The day I go is just shame. The sexual charge of going to Soho Cinema/Astral is so much more than than Sunset Strip. Boulevard?
The sleaze of LA Confidential will be perfect for going to pub and somewhere afterward.
I love the secrecy of Astral & Soho Cinema. Now winter is here, I want to spend the whole winter in the sex cinemas in the mist and blackness.