Thursday, 31 December 2015

I love the Astral films so much, I can't get enough of them!

I love the Astral films so much, I can't get enough of them!
I miss the pub on these dark afternoons, with the Scottish bloke beside me, getting my 3 pints before heading off to Sunset or Soho Cinema or Astral. No! Please lead a clean life.

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

I was ashamed of going to Astral before Christmas

I was ashamed of going to Astral before Christmas, but it's vitally necessary to do it to release the pressure. November was a big month of sexual tension. I've been fine since then because it released the tension.
Do your duty. Perhaps your duty will make you act differently. Knuckle down and stay at work, for mother's sake. Then I might meet Post Office girl again. I won't sitting at home.

Monday, 28 December 2015

There must be more to life than this

There must be more to life than this: a warm, exciting, loving relationship like me and Post Office girl just could have had. Mother says ------ was saying she loves ------ and gets so upset when ------ sits & cries, because her life is passing her by, for 10 years she's just stood still, there must be more to life than this, ---- is the golden boy, while she gets all the blame, then ------ started crying, she says there must be more than this, ------ says there must be more, then --- started crying, -------- started crying, ---. The whole family seems to be depressed, crying, seeing their life pass them by: what is wrong with this family? ----- depressed, ------ seeing a psychiatrist. Perhaps Post Office girl was depressed, life passing her by, there must be more to life than this. Perhaps she wanted a warm relationship with me.
Lost in my own little world I'm relatively happy.
Winterreise: he's not just miserable, he's crossed over into temporary (?) insanity. That's how I was. I felt I was going mad. Looking back on it, it now seems a tremendously exciting time. Leaving Dr A----- in the snow, December 6th, the hysterical intensity of my grief and despair, the panic that he'd condemned me to 8 months more of it. Looking back, that intensely hysterical feeling seems exhilarating.
"'Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others,' wrote Oscar Wilde in his braver, glory days. 'A new hedonism--that is what our century wants.' Is it this blatant hedonism, this amorality, that give the Pre-Raphaelites and the Decadents such appeal a century later?...This group's escape into sex, drink & drugs has reverberated through the decades."

Sunday, 27 December 2015

My stars say there's been some "special magic" missing this xmas. But not to worry because next year every day will be like xmas

My stars say there's been some "special magic" missing this xmas. But not to worry because next year every day will be like xmas.
In November my libido was in overdrive, I was exploding: better to have gone and released it every couple of weeks, isn't it. How calm I felt after last Wednesday. Repressing it doesn't work. Free it always. Remember last year the gorgeous colour page 3 Star pictures, how that symbolised the joy of that xmas being on the verge of the sexual orgy that I knew 1997 was going to be. Last xmas, I knew I'd come through the depressed blackness, to a new strength and was going to become very sexually bold in 1997. Feel something similar seeing that Star page 3 picture with coloured balloons today.
Post Office girl was beautiful in the old style, 1920s, English society beauty style, one of the hot young things in society. Her face was so delicately beautiful, her body language quite belied her extraordinary beauty. Like she doesn't want anyone to find her beautiful, see how beautiful she is. She will always stay with me, and haunt my dreams. I will look for her everywhere.

What can you do? Any move you make brings you into contact with other people and you have to retreat again [26 Dec 1997]

What can you do? Any move you make brings you into contact with other people and you have to retreat again. ----- ----- trying to force herself on me, and I don't want it. She's a normal social human being. What for the new year? Was there more I could have done at the Post Office, feeling so drawn to the girl as I did? And yet I wanted nothing to do with ----. I decided for my own equilibrium I had to not come out, it was ruthless and may have seemed callous and it may have hurt her feelings. But I was terrified of having to fake some feeling again. Apparently she has some warm feelings for me, this bothers & bewilders me. I have none for her,I wish she would just go and live her life and leave me alone, get the message. Leave me in peace again to think nice thoughts about the Post Office girl who I feel so close to.
So, I repeat, what for next year? It is important to remember, I only wrote to the Post Office job because I thought the Job Centre were going to interrogate me, and I said after training I dreaded going back, but then I would never have met Post Office girl. I feel it was quite an important meeting for me; even such tenuous relationships as this create such a powerful shift in my brain and assume huge personal significance for me, she has been written into the history book of my life, she has entered the pantheon of my goddesses, a whole new pocket industry of associations have been set in action, cogs and levers are crashing into life again, a thrilling new muse for me to miss and yearn for and mourn.
But if you try and repeat the trick deliberately, and go back to the Post Office, it won't work, and will be awful. You can't make the magic happen.

After my 1½ hours training at the Post Office, I dreaded having to go back [25 Dec 1997]

After my 1½ hours training at the Post Office, I dreaded having to go back. But then I never would have met Post Office girl, one of the rare special people in my life. She has joined the pantheon. The people I could imagine having a relationship with.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Monday, 21 December 2015

I feel so lonely missing a girl’s affection

I feel so lonely, missing a girl’s affection. “Rescued from the darkness inside his shell, by a woman who absolutely adored him. The knowledge that Beethoven never gave up the struggle to hear his music” like my struggle to feel emotion. My desire for Post Office girl makes me want to return to Astral, and abandon myself again. “Why don’t you grow up and face things.” I don’t want to be close to people. Letters from ----- irritate me, any contact from – irritates me. I want them to just go away.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Live like Nero and Caligula, pleasuring myself

Live like Nero and Caligula, pleasuring myself.
The waves of nothingness that come over me.
"Reich stressed the importance of constant genital gratification": WR Mysteries of the Organism.


Sunday, 13 December 2015

Left in charge of the orgasmotron, how exciting

Left in charge of the orgasmotron, how exciting.
From Victorian Britain I like Aubrey Beardsley, pre-Great War Vienna, Egon Schiele, from 1920s Berlin Otto Dix and George Grosz, Helmut Newton, etc, from Second Empire Paris Manet's Olimpia and Zola's Nana: that is why I must go back to Astral. The strange, louche world.
Go to the Tate.


Saturday, 12 December 2015

If I cross the Rubicon and return to Sunset Strip Wednesday I can return to some normal life

If I cross the Rubicon and return to Sunset Strip Wednesday, I can return to some normal life. I miss the vitality of the pub and Astral and Sunset. Coming out with the naughty frisson of having done something illicit. Looking through my newspaper diary, there is something missing: sexual gratification. It is needed. The lurid sexually explicit life. Thursday, going to see The Game, then pub, then Sunset was good wasn't it. Astral and Sunset is so vital! Rude, dirty, shameful, but vital. Get really drunk again in the pub, and have an evening out, we all need that: let your hair down.

Friday, 11 December 2015

I can't get away from the fact that I do want to go back to pub, Stellar, and Dix

I can't get away from the fact that I do want to go back to pub, Stellar, and Dix. It's been good to show that I can do it, I can resist it for 43 days, but now it's time to go back to normal life.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Looking back at Debbie Flett's Devil or Virgin

Looking back at Debbie Flett's Devil or Virgin, red dress Monday at Stellar, T Baker in leopardskin bikini, The Game Thursday at Dix & mode: wasn't it vibrant, and vital? I go to work, I go to group psychotherapy once a week, I go to Soho sex cinemas & clubs. The period since has been grey, strained, stultifying and trembling with repression. I like sex! Sexually titillating girls at the Dix club, sexually explicit girls in the porn films. I like watching it, quite casually that is who I am.
HAVE ONE DAY EVERY XMAS WHEN I LET MYSELF GO: one day ripped out of my life. Pub, Dix, Stellar. Van Gogh needed regular hygiene visits to the brothels of Paris: where he and Toulouse Lautrec slept and danced with the girls. We are artists, outcasts, we exist in the demi-monde. IT IS CABARET, it is a show. Wedekind. The mucky, sleazy, gutter of life, you need to get into it every now and again. I love the casual bikini-clad models strolling around in just little knickers and bra.

I am a vampire, I come from a different world to them [8 Dec 1997]

I am a vampire, I come from a different world to them.
Whenever I feel threatened, and start to shrivel up: STOP! DON'T!

Just the naughtiness of Stellar is so tempting! I now hereby choose the alternative life!! [7 Dec 1997]

Just the naughtiness of Stellar is so tempting! I now hereby choose the alternative life!! I reject -------- Sorting Office, I choose the life, vitality, of Stellar, Dix. That is all someone of my species can do. I'd rather be proud to be an autistic person, then permanently ashamed to be a pathetically inadequate social person. Better to reign in hell, than serve. I came out and think I'm proud, I don't deserve to be sneered at all the time, so I will be proud. Stand proud in Stellar with my cock out. Make the game my real life!
Helmut Newton! Parade! Yellow shop. Beardsley, Venus masturbating her unicorns every morning!