Friday, 18 November 2016

This is my Rimbaud's hell

This is my Rimbaud's hell.
Fill my boots all I can now, I will have a long while to write my book afterwards.
A Season in Hell.
Where's A--?
I've got to stay till the New Year.
I'm about to sign my life away for the next six weeks.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

I'm in the group with Aubrey Beardsley, Salvador Dali, Van Gogh

I'm in the group with Aubrey Beardsley, Salvador Dali, Van Gogh. I do EXACTLY what I want to do. I'm with Tao. Freud. Nietzsche. I am an ARTIST. They hate my BRAIN. This excitement. This spark. This stimulation. They hate my DIONYSIAN FRENZY, my INTELLIGENCE, which they are so JEALOUS of. Go on winding them up all through winter. Do it to wind them up. Rachmaninov, Rachmaninov.
THE JOB IS SO EASY. Make it my kingdom.

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

The backlash started today!

The backlash started today! Very few people there today. I never saw ----- at all, except perhaps speeding away in front of me down Villiers Street. I am an ARTIST. I smile contentedly over them. No Abi there either. Just ------. My silly thoughts over the weekend! Reality came crashing in today.
I live in a beautiful world, of hothouse flowers. Like Josef Kiss, Mary Gasalee, and David Mummery. Mother London! Mother London!
I am FRANCIS BACON. I am AUBREY BEARDSLEY. I am SALVADOR DALI. Cuddle myself down in the warmth of my brilliance, and my bloom, and my success, and my eroticism.

Saturday, 12 November 2016

A strange day; now I am ready for the backlash

A strange day; now I am ready for the backlash. Like Mary Gasalee, Josef Kiss, and David Mummery, I hear every word said around me. Go as far as you want to go, disregarding the opinions of others.

Friday, 11 November 2016

It is like TS Eliot's The Waste Land

It is like TS Eliot's The Waste Land. Michael Moorcock's Mother London. Charles Dickens. I live completely my own life, doing exactly what I want to do.

Thursday, 10 November 2016


MY SPIRIT OF MISCHIEF LOVES IT! I went into the Duke of York pub at lunchtime, my little nook & cranny, and it was lovely. Josef Kiss and Mary Gasalee, David Mummery, Mother London, Mother London! Lying there on my back reading my book, where else could I do that? WINDING THEM UP AND ENJOYING MY PLEASURES! The real turning point will come when I feel ready to return to Marx and New! It is a sign of my health. What is the problem, all they're doing is attacking me for something I do for PLEASURE, and if I do it for pleasure I will continue to do it for pleasure, deliciously. I am spontaneous, in harmony with my nature, I go where my Tao takes me. All it means is I'm not REPRESSED. By writing about it (mischievously) I take it away from them as a weapon. I can give it up at any time, and return to my books about my solipsism. Philip O'Connor was a drunk, and a tramp for many years, before writing his Memoirs of a Public Baby.
I am quite marvelously BRAZEN!
I felt so Charles Dickensian in the York! The cockroach running over my paper and disappearing into the wood.
"Nietzsche equated the Dionysian with the superabundance of creative energy that foments 'desire for destruction, change and becoming'. Or, as Zarathustra is made to put it, 'whoever wants to be a creator in good and evil, he must first be an annihilator and destroy values.' In an 1885 notebook Nietzsche described the Dionysian as 'that acme of joy at which a man can feel apotheosised, can feel that Nature is justifying itself in him'."
I sip from many cups. I think their attention is sweet and funny, it makes me warm to them. It is sexy, stimulating! I'm only gaining £-- a week, but I'm perhaps gaining more than that by being in the Dickensian York for an hour, being in the middle of Victoria in the heart of Mother London. I like that nervous edginess, I need to live on that nervous edge.

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

"In a landmark New York Times essay, British journalist Andrew Sullivan

"In a landmark New York Times essay, British journalist Andrew Sullivan identified this new breed as 'the scolds'--an army of finger-wagging moralisers, epitomised by Prosecutor Starr and energised by Christian conservatives, telling others how they should live, 'losing sight of the principles of privacy & restraint' that were once their own.
In so doing, they have vacated what used to be some of the right's richest territory--personal liberty. The result is an opportunity for the centre-left to take this ground for themselves. While their enemies peer into men's souls, they now have the chance to offer themselves as the true defenders of personal freedom. They can even reclaim 'family values'--insisting that it was not they who polluted the cultural bloodstream with the semi-pornography of the Starr report, nor they who expanded the intrusive scope of government with wire-taps, seized phone-bills and the unforgiving day-long interrogation of a 24-year-old woman."

I do exactly what I want to do

I do exactly what I want to do, I always have done, and always will. Keep your eye on the goal. It was horrifying but I'm not dead. The most I can ever say. Be weird, be the king of weird. I AM AUBREY WEIRDSLEY. Be dissolute, and degenerate. There is a chance for me to LIVE A NEW STORY. Live A NEW CHAPTER.

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

It is a sign they don't like me doing what I want to do

It is a sign they don't like me doing what I want to do; what a terrible admiring, what a wonderful compliment, what a fantastic hold over them this gives me! My mind is too powerful, they are too small, they are too far below me. A man does not worry if the ants beneath the sole of his boot approved of him. I was prepared to be with them, but then I saw repeatedly the quality of what they were offering me was so poor, a watery gruel at best, but more usually quite determined and vicious poison, that I saw I was right in my instinct to rely on my own rich nourishment with no regard to them. I cannot help it if my tastes are more refined than them.

Monday, 7 November 2016

I’m like a lighthouse, I let them dash themselves to pieces against me

I’m like a lighthouse, I let them dash themselves to pieces against me, with ever rising fury they bash their brains out. Like a moth hitting the blazing bulb, they are too stupid to have any understanding of where they are going wrong; while I blaze on! Burning forever with my constant supply of inner fuel which they can find no way to cut off. I love it that I have wound people up that much: I will not take moral judgement from people who throw abuse at me in the street: with that they betray their moral inferiority to me.
All their huffing and puffing, I still sail blithely on! You don't need to get revenge against people who are embarrassing themselves. When they abuse me they please me. Good God, thank goodness I am not like you.
They're the ones with problems, because they've got no beauty or intellect. I do want New again; I like it there. I love being against everybody: what a thrill it gives me. PERSONAL LIBERTY. I have no obligation to follow the conventional social norms. I am free of that because I was never taught. I AM KASPAR HAUSER. YOU SAD PEOPLE: I do exactly what I want. How they hate me for it.
I am a Nietzschean "superior man": that is what they hate, because they cannot lay a glove on me. BECAUSE I DO EXACTLY WHAT I WANT: HOW THEY HATE IT. I DEFY ALL CONVENTIONAL SOCIAL NORMS.
How their minds must boggle about what I get up to! It must be eating them away, secretly they must be so envious. Pure life of the mind. We intellectuals know no moral bounds, we ubermensch, we superior men!

Sunday, 6 November 2016

All there is is MIND and what I'm thinking

All there is is MIND, and what I'm thinking. I am right, they are wrong. PRINCE. And all I care about is my book. Beautiful, dark, intellectual, and serene. Because I'm more anarchic, and spontaneous than you. Nothing affects ME., because I am just a recorder. I am just an antenna.
I enjoyed that! Going to light shop, and library. then ham and rushing out again to get me to ----. Oh dear, you mean you don't like me doing exactly what I want to do! Those pathetic snivelling little people, who are so envious because they haven't got the guts to do what I do fearlessly. I take that as my triumph, thank you very much indeed! I have beauty and intellect, a formidable combination, and I am hanging on to them, and I can imagine how much that bothers you! Now I feel invincible, there is nothing more to come out, they have shot all their bolts, and been completely humiliated.
To continue to annoy and amaze! I will continue to lead my anarchic, and Dionysian lifestyle. I mean, for goodness sake, enjoying the Chandos for an hour or two, then going to the cinema for the evening is a tremendously enjoyable and relaxing thing ! If I enjoy it and it relaxes me, then I will continue to do it.
Of course they want to kill you, they want you dead. They’d go to prison if they did it themselves, so they want you to do it yourself, so they keep chipping away at you, at the base of you, so hopefully you will then topple under your own weight, so destabilised have you been at the bottom. Dream on people. You strengthen me and bolster me with every word you say.
I've got the difference in me that generates the stories, and it's greedy for even more & more energy. It sucks up all I've got. I'm ready for Sunset again. They've increased my stimulation & excitement.
They've only got you if you agree to be ashamed by it: REFUSED!
I'm afraid I'm beyond their reach; I'm beyond their moral judgement.
Stupid people are the ones with the biggest mouths. Stupid people have very rarely got quiet voices. My invincibility is awe-inspiring.

How pleasurable to go on enjoying my pleasures in the very TEETH of the opposition

How pleasurable to go on enjoying my pleasures in the very TEETH of the opposition. My subversiveness is fantastic. I need STRESS & TENSION, I need STRESS & TENSION, give me more, give me more, I need it for my book, for my pleasures.
BE COMPLETELY CAREFREE. Do exactly what I want. Tease them, wind them up. The more opposition the better. They are only ENVIOUS, because I'm so carefree, and shameless, and regardless of conventional social norms. The multiplicity of life, just absorb it all--it is all so marvellous, this warm cosmos we are privileged to live in. If people want to join the lynch mob that is up to them, that is a little test for them: I don't think Rusalka would. The Fabulous Game marks a new stage: I play them like a piano! All the opposition I've had down the last few years, and I still defy them more & more.
I don't care if they abuse me, that's alright, but I am going to continue doing exactly what I want, in the way I want to do it.
I've got my own mission in life: recording my condition, and my progress through life; that takes all my attention. Hold my nerve, and stick to my line, at all times.
My special intelligence gives me a special pleasure, and that is what they try to destroy: FOILED!
They try to knock me off my high horse, unseat me, like Don Quixote: FOILED!
Oh dear, don't they like it? Well I'm going to continue. They need to stop being REPRESSED, they need to RELAX. I love the underworld, I love that sleazy warm environment.
I am wild, and rampant, not repressed.

Ha! I'm laughing in their faces and doing exactly what I want to do

Ha! I'm laughing in their faces and doing exactly what I want to do. EVERYTHING for my book. I want their poison, I need them to do this job for me, just to make it sure and final. It is very important they don't let up now, they must keep the pressure up for me.
A bubbling water gauge down the side of the wall, bubbling away, seemingly powering the whole laboratory of apparatus, and bunsens and retorts. I need more pressure! It was the first time ---- had seen him urgent. "I must have more pressure!"
ALCHEMY! Turn everything to my useful purpose.
Now he was reaping the rewards he was addicted to sexual risk taking. That was the only thing which made it exciting. Sleaziness was so much exciting: he was addicted to it.
He was flattered they were so interested in his private life. He was enjoying a richly pleasurable life, indulging all the pleasures of the senses. He exulted in it. Make it harder still (to make it more pleasurable still). Bks Etc downstairs, Charing Cross Road 2nd hand bookshops, free magazines, Chandos. This is giving me chance to demonstrate my superiority.
He went to the brothel, and he went to the opera. It was because he went to the opera that they hated him, but the knowledge he went to the brothel was the weapon they would use to beat him with. But they abused him because he went to the opera.
If they wanted to pry into other people's private lives that was their business; it had nothing to do with him. It was just proof if proof were needed that his life was richer and more interesting and more pleasurable than theirs was.
I want these trials of strength, I seek them: I was addicted to them, they are like my fix. 

Saturday, 5 November 2016

I need this (Plot Night [Guy Fawkes Night] 5th November 1998)

I need this, I need to be pushed to this extreme place, where I have no distractions. EVERYTHING BRINGS PROGRESS. Stick to your line. My grinning rampancy infuriates them. They rise the tension, and I rise in power with it, and rise in pleasure. I was in limbo for -- years, then I took the path that was waiting for me the whole time. I do exactly what I want at every second of the day. They hate it because they can't stop me, because I am invincible to them.

I love this exciting position I'm in now. So what am I going to do here? (4th November 1998)

I love this exciting position I'm in now. So what am I going to do here? ELEGANCE. Whatever they try to throw at me, I have the ability to ride the crest of it and not be buried under it. A flowering inferno. I am WILD, and RAMPANT, and they can do nothing to stop me. They think they will crush me with DESPAIR. My greatest danger is HUBRIS.
Their crude contempt seems to me to prove my superiority, and thus fills me with POWER, and PLEASURE. Their punishment: I become just more glorious.

Stick to my own line (3rd November 1998)

Stick to my own line. Like Jean Cocteau. Like Van Gogh. Like Oscar Wilde. Like Francis Bacon. These pig stupid people don't realise I've been here before. I am trained in this. I do what I want, sybaritically, every minute of the day.
For every one person who starts down the path of abusing me, I believe there is one person who feels great sympathy and comradeship for me, and one girl who secretly is attracted to me.
What revelations they push me to!
I am tempting them. I am daring them. I am being deliberately provocative.

I am RANDOM. I am a WILD CARD (2nd November 1998)

I am RANDOM. I am a WILD CARD. Opposition just makes it more enjoyable to continue doing the things you want to do. I needed to lure my enemies out into the open, so I could pick them off once and for all, to ruthlessly put the Catholic plotters to death, so I could start my reign safe, and unrivalled.
They've tried this before, and it never worked before, and they just embarrassed themselves; and now they're trying the same thing again, so dim light bulb-less are they. They do it because they are FRIGHTENED to approach me directly. I am the dark prince they are FRIGHTENED of.
It is a more difficult route, but it is one I had to take; it is what I wanted; now I'm starting to reap the rewards. You've got to realise how blessed you are. Put yourself at the centre of them. Where they are terrified.

Thursday, 3 November 2016

If Laurence Olivier gave full force to his power people would have run from the theatre screaming (1 November 1998)

If Laurence Olivier gave full force to his power, people would have run from the theatre screaming. I am strong now because I am in harmony with my nature. You know if you've got anything special, there are going to be lots of people out there who are going to try to bring you down, so you must just always hold to your own line, never be distracted from it.
'Puppet-master shows he can still pull Italy's strings': what a fantastic title!
They are giving me such a fascinating subject to study.
Because it makes a comparison between my behaviour and their behaviour, and I LIKE that comparison! That comparison puts me in a very rosy light indeed. These people have been boiling with their petty resentment and their petty jealousy of me for years, and now I’ve tempted them out of the woodwork, they’ve been forced to step forward and identify themselves, there they were, the stupid people, the people boiling with resentment, the people burning with jealousy; in the end they couldn’t hide it any longer!
They’re trying to catch hold of my coattails, in a desperate attempt to pull me back to them; they’re trying to grab the crumbs off my table.
It's always worth it.

It puts me into the state of peace I need (31 October 1998)

It puts me into the state of peace I need.
Let them ponder how the history books will judge them--I think they've got a hard time ahead of them.
They are cutting the ground from under their own feet, and repairing my position for me. I am daring them to shame themselves. I am tempting them into it, and they are too stupid to avoid it.
"Both the Sun and Venus in Scorpio are now challenged by Uranus, in Aquarius, and you appear to have serious needs and strong urges this weekend. But you mustn't worry if you encounter a certain amount of resistance. All it means is someone finds it difficult to handle you--and you know the reason for that."
"Refuse to be rattled or riled by rumours about your work or private affairs. True, you have broken away from your usual routine and might soon embark on an inventive money-making venture. However, you owe it to nobody to explain your thinking or justify your actions. Don't rise to the bait."

My private world is MAGNIFICENT. My Eros was getting better & better (30 October 1998)

My private world is MAGNIFICENT. My Eros was getting better & better. My body had become liquid. Liquid pleasure. I lived for Eros. My decisions were magnificent. They're not coping well with me, are they! This is, is it not, a failure on their part. The higher the tension, the better I perform.
Must I become stone? says Elizabeth, after the death of the Catholic plotters and her decision to reject all suitors. Must I remain untouched? You must be divine, Walsingham tells her. A symbol. Nero says the same thing, his heart was turning to stone.
It is a complicated condition I've got, it takes time to understand it.
Their jealousy rises them into hostility, and hostility poisons only themselves, while handing victory to their serene, contented enemy. I sit on my throne, like Elizabeth, divine, symbol, imperious in my dominion.
I enjoy a nice life of SHEER PLEASURE.

Ever a city of sinners. Simon Jenkins 29th October 1998

I am intrigued by the geography of sin. In the 16th century Queen Elizabeth was constantly ordering her courtiers home, away from the temptations of the capital and back to guarding their estates. The Stuarts were more careless, and paid the price. London has always been in a class of its own for degradation. It was the citadel of gin, the Great Wen, "the city of feverish idleness" to Trollope's squirearchy, "driven here and there in search of some gratification that never comes". In the 1860s, the Lancet calculated that there were an astonishing 80,000 prostitutes in London. They lined up each night in rows outside the Bank of England, as they later did outside the Dorchester Hotel.
To outsiders, big cities are always places of moral menace. They were places to which some went for company but others for solitude, to pursue in secret the vices and desires which country people held up to censure or ridicule. People come to cities not to find people but to escape them. Cities embrace not just excitement and ambition, but also loneliness. They attract those who seek solace in that loneliness, sometimes unconventional solace.
Sex is part of the electricity of the city. Like drugs, sex is one of the most lucrative, unrecorded and unmentionable London industries. From the rent boys of St Pancras to the high-class bedsits of Marylebone, a market for sex has developed as an adjunct to London's tourism business. (Though it is still minute compared with the era of "Victorian values".)
The selling of sex flourishes largely because, like drugs, it operates largely outside the bounds of regulation. Nothing does more for the wealth of a city than a human demand whose supply is declared illegal by government.
Cities have always thrived on black markets. London has thrived on spivs, pimps, drug-dealers, thieves, corrupt planners and, above all, on illicit and covert sex. Some of these markets may be glamorous. Most are wretched, sad and tragic. Politics can pass judgment on them. Other can condemn. The city goes about its business as ever, simply answering a need.

Why would I want it to stop?! Jealousy is the supreme compliment and it is giving me such great rich material! (29 October 1998)

Why would I want it to stop?! Jealousy is the supreme compliment, and it is giving me such great rich material!
I have successfully wound them up, haven't I.
It spreads like gangrene, that's what it does. It spreads like a virus, throughout any group of people who regularly mix and spend time together, until they are all infected by it. I infected them with it, I stuck my great big hypodermic needle right into the heart of them.
I got the 115 train, went in the four Charing Cross Road second hand bookshops. Got Freud paperback and The Mask of Fu Manchu, perhaps go back for Gloriana? Then had 2.5 pints in Chandos, before agonising whether to go to New or Elizabeth. Went for McDonald's which was very nice, then Elizabeth, which was superb, very moving. To think I was sitting there in that cinema in the heart of the great capital city of London which wouldn't have been a great city but for her. It was fantastic. Then had to rush to get to  Britannicus on time, and found the place half empty, very quiet, but that was very good, too, especially Toby Stephens, I liked it better than Phedre. On the train home I was thinking how nice it is to come home from something intellectual, but already I'm looking forward to the other.
My story is what excites me, I'll do anything to service it. I'm in a sleep, but I'm having such nice dreams I don't want to wake up. I am an ARTIST. I want the tension INCREASED.

Friday, 28 October 2016

I am so detached from my own life I observe and comment and write on it with lascivious delight

I am so detached from my own life, I observe and comment and write on it with lascivious delight. I use "----- ----- [myself]" as my own testbed.

Thursday, 27 October 2016

Shore yourself together

Shore yourself together so when the flood comes you become an immediate floating raft. Pure spirit, and they can't stand my rampancy.
Got tube to Virgin and bought the Garbage CD but couldn't use the tokens because they split from WH Smith's two weeks before! Then Yellow. Got my Britannicus ticket for £11. Then I had my three pints in Chandos before Soho Cinema. Go Go Contest, Africa Rising (again), Disruption (reminded me so much of Tracie Andrews!), then Bow Down Backstreet, all black, one of the best ever! It got the better of me, unfortunately, quite accidentally, so I didn't stay for Number 5.
In Soho Cinema I was thinking I want that Victoria job, so I can keep coming back to Soho Cinema.

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

I love the attention quite frankly!

I love the attention, quite frankly! Passing the long Post Office queue was delicious. All they are doing is giving themselves away. Live by Cocteau's law. Never hurt others, never diminish others, never answer insults. But I love being the centre of attention; that would be wonderful. It has been so inspiring.

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

I take a more rumbustious path through life

I take a more rumbustious path through life.  More exciting, sybaritic, pleasurable. Use everything you can find as your catalyst, even the opposition. Use everything as fuel to propel me. For an Autistic person life is always wonderful, because they see things that normal people can't. Always look for experience, and progress. To quote Noel Coward: "I rise above it, frankly love it!"

Monday, 24 October 2016

"Coleridge suffered from 'a derangement in his intellectual and moral constitution'"

"Coleridge suffered from 'a derangement in his intellectual and moral constitution.' Given this, Coleridge is fortunate to have Richard Holmes as his biographer. He writes of Coleridge as 'his usual, rambling, magnificent, highly metaphysical self.' He adores Coleridge's philosophical waywardness...seemingly efficient only at dependence: he moved from one household to another, scrounging bed & board.
But away from the hot salons of his public career, a much more desperate Coleridge struggled with himself. He was, of course, an opium addict, and he alternated his frantic public appearances with deep collapses. Poisoned by opium, his body swelled monstrously and his insides froze into constipation. Partly, one suspects, this boom & bust cycle was temperamental, the advance and retreat of a manic depressive. But in his bedroom, administering his own enemas with a brass syringe, Coleridge suffered terrible shame at the spectacle of his damaged self."
Foiled! "You will never win," they spat. He smiled calmly. "You make it more certain with every word you say."
"Let me see if  I've got this right: your life is so dull you need me to provide some excitement for you." This is their absolute terror: that I am gaining from it, the whole time.
"The sun in Scorpio puts you at your most daring, sensual and dramatic, and woe betide any sign that gets in your way."

Sunday, 23 October 2016

I live on a sea of scented bosoms

I live on a sea of scented bosoms.
This is my natural environment. It is what I feel most at home in, and most thrilled by.
I admire the way I take everyone on.
Sybarism requires opposition. To provide the frisson of rich pleasurable excitement. They hate it, because they are thick, not very intelligent, disadvantaged, with no prospects. They hate me for my RAMPANCY. My SYBARISM. My SCENTED SEA OF BOSOMS.
"You've been very bold, brave, strong and decisive lately. So where is the reward for your courage? It is right here, in your need to be even more brave, bold, strong and decisive. By redefining the rules of a certain game, you have shifted a crucial balance of power in your favour. That power, though, will do you no good unless you exert it. To stop is to decide that, having fought hard to earn your place in a vital race, you will retire before it has even been run. Your only choice is to battle on."
"Certain individuals would like you to believe they are better off than they actually are. However, it would be cruel and unthinking to call their bluff, and embarrassing for all if they could produce no evidence of their good fortune. Turn a blind eye to the matter and let everyone hold on to their pride."

Saturday, 22 October 2016

That extraordinary Egyptian dream I had last night

That extraordinary Egyptian dream I had last night, featuring those two yellow shops again from previous dreams! Went in the grey M&S type building, went round the side, wondering where to go next, then realised this was it, I just had to turn right and north from here, I would come into the sleazy part. I remember very little of it. Next I'm in a tomb, choosing tunnels & holes, but it's like on a computer screen. I go down a level, open a stone box, full of little trinkets, like a purple perfume bottle, which I offer to my companion then put back in my pocket (also before we leave and return up the way we came, a £5 note?); having run out of time for this trip we ignore the other round exits from the room and return up the chute we came down in;  next we seem to be on a big cruise yacht in the Alexandrian (?) bay, the villain in a tiny rowing boat was coming towards us in the night; Sid James (?) says what's that noise, "oh it's just a small rowing boat" I say, next I have been concussed and am  being thrown down into the water and on to the row boat. That's as far as it got; there was also a voluptuous short-haired blonde woman with big heavy tits dangling crawling towards me, I don't know what part she played. Funny how often I dream about Egypt, remembering the Vienna Egypt dream of February 1994 period, and funny how often those yellow shops keep reappearing!, as if it really was part of London. A backstreet off of Tottenham Court Road, do I remember from the dream? An area of London very hard to access, unless you have the key, like Von Bek's entrance into the hellish city underworld in The City in the Autumn Stars. A whole sleazy sexy sinpot waiting to be discovered for those who have the key. When did I last dream that, how many months ago was it?
Was it inflamed by late last night reading my "London full of Chinamen", the granddaughter of Fu Manchu notes, with its Mask of Trotsky in Egypt memories? Was it because of Tomb Raider perhaps?
And is it true Rachel Weisz is re-making the 1930s The Mummy?
I'm doing exactly what I want, I'm holding to my line, I'm sticking to my mechanism. I am a poet, I write for The Yellow Book, like Aubrey Beardsley. It's been such a grey, wet, rainy week, I would have loved to have been out; but it will just make it more enjoyable next week.
I don't care a fig! I am Francis Bacon. What sort of artist would I be if I felt ashamed! The days when you go out, aren't they good? Aren't they rich, fond memories, like last Thursday?! I love the glory of my stories, they have very little to offer besides that. Is it possible to go out tomorrow? Any mind that doesn't obey mine bores me.

Friday, 21 October 2016


I am ECCENTRIC! Gloriously, rampantly, joyfully, mischievously ECCENTRIC! It is a fabulous game. I don't regret anything I've done--I did it for glory.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

I wanted it to be an open discussion

I wanted it to be an open discussion, with nothing ruled in and nothing ruled out. Just to talk amidst the destruction and see what naturally emerged. Let the river take its natural course. But I felt she was dictating the course too much, she was trying to shunt this river down one particular siding, to mix metaphors, a siding which denied my rich imagination, my rich inner world. She was trying to influence the outcome too much, she was loading the dice, and that bothered me: I wanted to talk to someone and thereby come to a solution myself. It was too directed.
You see it as being fossilised. I see it as being rich and fabulous.
Go because it annoys them, do everything because it annoys them, be me because it annoys them. This is only Stage 1 of my life. I must write the way Van Gogh had to paint. I take risks, and still escape their clutches every time.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The stress & tension of the German Romantics is what I need

The stress & tension of the German Romantics is what I need.
I have achieved LIBERATION. I am in harmony with nature now. I am spontaneous. I live in my sybaritic pleasures. I want to put myself at the heart of it. Wherever my enemies are gathering, I want to suddenly appear in the heart of them. I seek their enmity. It is the mark of approval I need to reassure me. It makes things interesting, does it not.

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Search for wisdom in all cultures

I love the voluptuous priapism of my life since Pope Friday

I love the voluptuous priapism of my life since Pope Friday.
I wanted a free discussion, where nothing was ruled in and nothing was ruled out. We could just explore all the options.
I like taking them on in tight, small, dangerous places, and beating them. He knows there are enemies, so he chooses the battles, lures them in, and takes them on in micro-encounters of his own choosing. I don't feel under siege; it's in the small tight places that I come into my own and am transformed. They follow this little man into the dead end, to find the 12ft monster has got THEM. In these small, tight, dangerous places, I come into my POWER. When they have me cornered, that is when they are at my mercy.
I must keep my concentration absolutely poised and centred on my writing. I must never take my eyes off that ball.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

I had a dream about Sarah didn't I the previous night but forgot to write it down

I had a dream about Sarah, didn't I, the previous night, but forgot to write it down. I live in a random, eccentric, surreal world, which they cannot understand. Yesterday was a real breakthrough day, it felt very significant. At last, the winter season has started. I went over the edge and through the dividing wall. I became Pius.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

It’s like a conspiracy, if someone keeps trying to cover something up, you immediately start to think what have they got to hide

It’s like a conspiracy, if someone keeps trying to cover something up, you immediately start to think what have they got to hide. Jealousy is like gangrene, it spreads and spreads. And I’m not going away. I’m going to spread through them a bit more. This is just the beginning. I put myself in the middle of the situation, where I can patiently politely pick them apart.  My ability to operate in small, tight, dangerous places.
Enemy, thy name is jealousy. And I’ve got you in my pocket. I let you plan your armies, and gather your troops, and you don’t realise it is all taking place in my pocket, I’m watching your secret plotting with tears of hilarity rolling down my cheeks. They’ve bitten off a bit more than they can chew in taking me on. Damaged people can be dangerous, because they cannot be hurt. You like being provocative? No. I don’t pick the fights. But if people WANT to attack, then I shall take deep pleasure in running rings around them. Enemies are the best thing you can have. It proves you must be doing something right. Look at Clinton. (Beethoven. Oscar Wilde. Etc). Do the viciousness of the attacks on him come solely from the crime he committed? I think we all know the answer is no.
That picture of Tracey Andrews in tight white top and nipples is why I go to Marx and New!
Got another Dandy Warhols Come Down and of course it does not work at all! So I'll have to go back to return it again! Looked at RPGs and computer games. Lots of Vatican books in Foyles, I'm not sure how useful any of them would be. Then I bought my Mary Stuart ticket, and then had 3 pints. More than usual but it was very easy. It did put me in the right frame of mind for Marx club though. Tall Tracey, blonde Frenchie from before who danced to Chimney & Blue song. Brown bob in black dress, tall JF Ella lovely breasts, Crystal (black bob) with her geometric black bob, “Oh no, I’ve lost my knickers…Again!”, and arriving late, Raven! She is the star, without a doubt. I left after that for room and another Raven! Then Mary Stuart, which was superb. Get it over with. In the spirit of polymorphous perversity. Like Aubrey. After 3 pints I could do anything.  I don't even feel bad now, my resistance has definitely grown.

Friday, 14 October 2016

I have achieved LIBERATION

I have achieved LIBERATION. It is a positive step, like volcanic eruptions. I do exactly what I want, and I ENJOY it, that's what they cannot stand. A paradigm shift, that's what the Pope idea was. I was quite ruthlessly autistic with L----, I came out feeling like a dark autistic prince. I am going to more & more extreme places, but what else is there? She looked very sad & down. I am sure next week will be the last. I have gone past the point of no return. Write to NAS? As a baby I was left to observe what was happening around me, so that is what I've become. It is not her area of expertise. I am in the Autistic spectrum, but finally to be in a position where I can observe it, and write about it, this luscious opulent dark kingdom, ruled by Pope Pius XII.
Sarah wants me to wear a corset, hold everything in; be ashamed of all my bumps & curves. But I want to be a real human being, and let it all hang out, as nature intended.
I thought if I wanted to talk about autism, at last, I'm in the right place! How wrong could I be.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

Got the 1255 train & tube to Tottenham Court Road

Got the 1255 train & tube to Tottenham Court Road, to find normal exit blocked, the Virgin Megastore [gone] normal entrance blocked! To show how long I've been away. Some new eating place in Charing X Road, too. Looked at RPGs, In Nomine, and the Fading Suns rules which were interesting, I will go back to look at these again. Also return to Foyles for Vatican books. There was a new Freud biography, the Dali biography too. Didn't have time to get Britannicus ticket. Saw Love is the Devil, which was OK, bit boring. Then got ENO leaflet then pub, then New [Soho Cinema, gone]. Africa Rising was superior stuff on location in the jungle, then Buttman in Rio & Havana, the Rumpman from before, then Perfect Pair from before, which was better than I remembered! Then a Shannon Tweed film!
What sort of artist would I be, Bacon/Jacobi was saying, if I was ashamed of the things I do. I was thinking all day I am an artist, and do what I need for my painting, ruthlessly, eccentrically, bohemianly!
Do exactly what I want, wildly, rampantly! Jealousy is the sincerest form of flattery. Oscar knew, Francis knew, Vincent knew. I do it on purpose, to wind them up, to give me energy, and they are playing into my hands. I loom above them like Fantomas, pulling all their strings. They are clay in my hands. The jealousy of the disadvantaged.

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

"Use it, channel this energy, find a way to express it, suddenly it becomes a gift, something very valuable"

"Use it, channel this energy, find a way to express it, suddenly it becomes a gift, something very valuable. Kafka dealt with his paranoia by writing some of the great masterworks."

Monday, 10 October 2016

They are nothing, I can take or leave them as I please

They are nothing, I can take or leave them as I please. The disadvantaged find it very hard to cope; they have no intelligence, and no prospects. I let the monkeys do what they want down in their little world.
I am the Vatican; of course! I am the Pope Pius XII  in his blood red robes leaving the German President's palace in Berlin 1929 with the statues, outside a guard in trenchcoat & helmet. I am the Swiss banks with all the Nazi gold in their vaults, and I am also the Vatican not releasing their wartime documents. The pope is connected to the Francis Bacon pictures as well. The blood red government has taken charge in brown dome Berlin, and the pope sweeps in to visit.
What a fantastic new game it is.
Be rampant.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Let them come to see how ruthless I am

Let them come to see how ruthless I am in quite heartlessly picking off my targets.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Jealousy's a terrible thing. Anything that's useful

Jealousy's a terrible thing. Anything that's useful.
The woman that must never be mentioned. Brilliant man that Sherlock Holmes is, this was the one case he could never solve: what happened to his emotional life? Who stole his emotional life. It is the one mystery he can never solve.
This is my favourite game.
Whatever the catalyst is doesn't matter, as long as there is a catalyst. You're facilitating my revolution. I now want to celebrate me & my life, celebrate my differentness. Glory in it. I know this is the most exciting time of my life.

Friday, 7 October 2016

I'm young, I'm only -8; by the time I'm -8 I might just be hitting my stride, coming into my power

I'm young, I'm only -8; by the time I'm -8 I might just be hitting my stride, coming into my power.
The walk back across Leicester Square is always exciting, that disorientation is what is so exciting about it. I move on different planes, special spheres, a sea of scented bosoms.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Have love & respect in your heart at all times, how that infuriates them!

Have love & respect in your heart at all times, how that infuriates them! and defeats them! They are powerless to do anything to dent me at all. They are trying to increase the tension, thereby playing straight into my hands. Tension is what I've been trying to generate for the last six years.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

We don't give a fig anymore (Brian Sewell, Evening Standard)

"Pornography at its best is art, as Titian, Michelangelo and Leonardo knew; at its mildest it is erotica; and at its most direct it is a checklist of activities and fetishes to which the user responds with masturbation. Most experts in venereal behaviour argue that it is a safety valve. Ours is a hypocritical society, and we should take note of the retiring film censor. We have had our fill of censorship and must not forget the great battles of the Sixties -- Lady Chatterley, Fanny Hill and Oz among them -- which led to what intellectual freedom we now enjoy when sex is the subject of art and literature. The option for those ready to find offence is to walk away from it, ask for the return of ticket money at an exhibition or a film, turn off the television, eschew the magazine and video tape and no one should tell the rest of us what we may or may not see, or do with a consenting adult.
We condemn the prostitute and will not acknowledge that her resource has saved many a marriage and the sanity of many an unmarriageable man -- as has pornography. We damn the pornographer too readily without recognising that his work is as old as civilisation and that its crudest forms are much more a stimulus to quick release than an encouragement to mimicry and a specious excuse for the rapist caught in the act. Too many of my generation have been damaged by foolish Protestant prohibitions and pseudo-Christian cant; generations following mine should be free of pretence, inhibition and deceit, free to have access to pornography and the prostitute without the interference of authorities and the dishonest condemnation of society. Think on these things on Friday."

The project continues

The project continues.
"Hugo Wolf produced some of the most intense & expressive songs ever written. But this was achieved at the cost of mental stability. Periods of intense creativity were followed by times of desolation &despair & exacerbated by the effects of syphilis acquired in Viennese brothels."
I roll amongst them like a hand grenade with the pin pulled out.

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

I feel just about ready for the return now. Now it is cold & dark & inhospitable

I feel just about ready for the return now. Now it is cold, & dark, & inhospitable. Now the warm places come into their own. I might need my haircut first though.
You make a lot of enemies. I must be doing something right then. Lynch mobs are almost always wrong; that is the characteristic feature of them.

Monday, 3 October 2016

It is a complicated game I am playing on them and they are yet to divine it

It is a complicated game I am playing on them, and they are yet to divine it. One day a week to indulge in dangerous excess, and let myself go completely; that's not been done so far. That is what is needed. I miss the opera! Listening to The Flying Dutchman makes me want to go back and see it now. I create my own drama! My own sturm & drang.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

I like subjects not people

I like subjects, not people.

I'm lost in my own rich little world and they envy me

I'm lost in my own rich little world, and they envy me. Van Gogh was weird; he couldn't fit into normal social society. He just doggedly kept painting. You've get to get into the whole trance, the frame of mind. It's no use going there half-heartedly. Leave it till next week when it will be more committed, I can give myself to it totally. The Berlin trial, Egon Schiele night spirit.
After this two-week enforced isolation, it will be good to get back to New (& Marx). I wish I could leave ------ behind now, I almost wish they could force the issue; and to leave ----- as well.
I am mad, and I want to communicate it.

Friday, 30 September 2016

If I'm busy in my private universe I feel I'm making progress

If I'm busy in my private universe, I feel I'm making progress. It is a game. I do my own thing, and I leave them all behind. I am a vampire; I take what I need.
I like flushing people out. Give them the rope to hang themselves. Everything THRILLS me.
Freud Hotel: my desire to give myself up to it, which real life won't allow. It's painful to me because it is so detached. I want to give myself to it, all or nothing: I want a year out of life and travel to Vienna, like Hans Castorp travelling to the Magic Mountain sanatorium for the cure.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

The rebirth of Berlin was coming

The rebirth of Berlin was coming, I could have just sat and waited for it, but I needed a bit of drama before then. How I wind them up, and how they fall into my trap.

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

People try & distract attention away from their own problems

People try & distract attention away from their own problems. I have successfully courted public opinion over the years, till I am in the position I would choose. Laughter to try & hurt, this is the sign of the stupid: they are playing into my hands. This tension is my raw material.
The sad French melancholy of rainy Dean Street in Soho. Charles Aznavour.

Monday, 26 September 2016

The starting conditions created a deep disturbance

The starting conditions created a deep disturbance, then you let the program run, and all the ramifications and consequences are what we see now.
I'm proud of doing things eccentrically.
"At home, the new chancellor will sire the 'Berlin Republic' by overseeing the shift of power and governance from Bonn to Berlin, an important psychological shift into a new era, perhaps not only in Germany but more broadly and gradually in Europe. And most important, the new leader will need to inject fresh energy to combat the lethargy and paralysis that have settled over Bonn politics like a muggy Rhine mist in the past couple of years."

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Friday, 23 September 2016

The fact you don't go along with the majority makes you a bad person

The fact you don't go along with the majority makes you a bad person: that's what Sarah tried to shove down my throat.

Thursday, 22 September 2016

I don't associate with Lorca, Wilde, Van Gogh, because they were great

I don't associate with Lorca, Wilde, Van Gogh, because they were great, but because they lived through the painful search for self-acceptance that I have been tormented by.
It is a wonderful ADVENTURE, a psychic EXPLORATION of unrevealed terrain.

Monday, 19 September 2016

"The price of wisdom is above rubies"

"The price of wisdom is above rubies. The mirth of the wicked is brief, and God brings them down."

Sunday, 18 September 2016

Saturday, 17 September 2016

It is a noble mission "to show them all"

It is a noble mission "to show them all". I may not succeed, but it will be an interesting journey, and I will know at the end of my life that I did something worthwhile with it.

Friday, 16 September 2016

I create rich material for me to write about

I create rich material for me to write about, so it turns into coal & oil. Egon Schiele night, pure eroticism! They just make my pleasure more exquisite.
Fulfillment, Kidnap, Bend Over Brazilian Babes.

Thursday, 15 September 2016

They hate me because they realise they've been lured into starting a battle they cannot win

They hate me because they realise they've been lured into starting a battle they cannot win, and their position is just getting worse. They are faced with a dilemma now: the more they attack the more power they give me. It is a terrible position they have got themselves into.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

I shall say "thank you, for handing me complete victory"

I shall say "thank you, for handing me complete victory. Thank you for multiplying the depth & richness & power & pleasure of my life."
"As long as he's happy, doing what HE wants to do, he doesn't care."

Monday, 12 September 2016

They envy my beauty, my serenity and my intelligence

They envy my beauty, my serenity, and my intelligence. This is my weather and my time. I take from everybody; sucking their blood. How envious they are that they don't know where I go on Saturdays, where I go when I get the train to Charing X and theatre, opera & cinema, how envious they don't know where I go inside my inner kingdom. They have completed my victory for me.
How envious they are about me, how frustrated they are by me; what a supreme compliment. What an interesting, exciting, rich life I lead. I am ruthless, and malicious. I've finally lured them in, and tricked them, and trapped them.

Sunday, 11 September 2016

I am powerful and striding around ------- invincible now

I am powerful, and striding around -------, invincible now; they have made me powerful.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

"Something else which made Vienna unusual was the amount of serious thought given (it was a scientific experiment, throwing a stone into the pond of ignorance & stupidity & mediocrity, and watching them make monkeys of themselves) to human sexuality"

"Something else which made Vienna unusual was the amount of serious thought given (it was a scientific experiment, throwing a stone into the pond of ignorance & stupidity & mediocrity, and watching them make monkeys of themselves) to human sexuality. Richard Krafft-Ebing, Otto Weininger and Sigmund Freud are only the most famous of those who investigated sexual behaviour in a scientific way. Frank Wedekind, Robert Musil and Arthur Schnitzler were only the most radical of those many writers who introduced sexual problems into their plays & novels."
"Loos was a member of the circle of artists and writers grouped around another great enemy of show and pretence. This was Karl Kraus, founder and publisher of the literary paper Die Fackel (The Torch) which, after 1911, he also wrote single-handed. Like some Old Testament prophet, Kraus saw the evidence of hypocrisy all around him and foresaw the ruin it would cause.
For Kraus, the decline of civilised values which was inevitably registered by a similar decline in language, had gone so far that it could no longer be halted. Vienna itself was a proving ground for world destruction and The Last Days of Mankind (Kraus's greatest work, and unstageable play of mammoth proportions about the corruption of the ruling class and the Great War, written in 1922) were not far away." I want to move towards a new honesty in my writing, and in my letters to ---.
Things are getting better in ------: incontrovertible fact No.1. No.2 I have moved onto a new and higher level. It is the Salome Syndrome: because I don't show any interest in them they become hysterically spiteful and malicious. No.3 If people want to attack me then I shall take deep pleasure in running rings around them: it's their choice.

Sex, drugs and rock & roll--sounds like a good life to me. Necks, drugs and rock & roll

Sex, drugs and rock & roll--sounds like a good life to me. Necks, drugs and rock & roll.
They are unhappy because they are poor; I am serene because I am rich (not financially).
"It is perhaps not surprising that many of the artists, writers and intellectuals who grew up during the declining years of the Habsburg power were obsessed with change. Decay, death and disaster seemed to haunt their every waking hour and to provide the substance of their nightmares.
The pre-eminent city of the realm was Vienna. It was the metropolis where the Habsburgs held court, the magnet which attracted the brightest and the best. In 1900, with a population of more than 2 million, it was the fourth largest city in Europe. And less than half of its inhabitants had been born there. All the languages of the Empire, from Rumanian to Romany, from Polish to Italian, could be heard on its streets. It was excitingly cosmopolitan, confident and energetic. It was, it firmly believed, the centre of the world.
Vienna was not only the hub of the Empire. It was also one of the most exciting cultural centres on earth, envied for the quality of its theatre and music. Its relaxed way of life, its refusal to take the world too seriously, were legendary, especially in such foreign parts as Prussia where no one had ever learned to relax." In my mind; this is where all the work goes on. "While popular songs romanticised casual sexual liaisons and waxed lyrical about the pleasures of an evening in a separee, a vociferous minority attacked the double standard in morality, dramatised the plight of the prostitute" When the clocks go back, that's when winter really starts, the season of the flesh really starts. How I love the sounds of the jungle; like the members of the expedition in Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World. How I thrive and flourish from strength to strength. "and saw a link between sexual hypocrisy and the contrast between appearance and reality at every level of public life. There was something rotten at the very core of society, they argued, and the epidemic of prostitution was merely one sign of it."

Artists need to be at the edge of society

Artists need to be at the edge of society. If I was in the middle of it, I'd be a plumber, or a plasterer. In the midst you can't see the wood for the trees.
They think by attacking me they are weakening me or sapping my strength; on the contrary, they are providing me with my power.
Go in the spirit of the Dandy Warhols! Hedonistic excess. The sheer thrill of getting off the bus from L-----, and heading straight up to the station. Standing waiting for the train to Charing Cross, and then straight to sweet shop for my chocolate and Standard, then to the Chandos. These are the pleasures of my life. Marx Club has become a more dubious and equivocal pleasure. (I will go back for Raven, and perhaps Siya and Martina, but its new look chills me.). Perhaps I should make a habit of getting the 315 train after L-----, it would take the pressure off me, to have something good to look forward to afterwards. But where would I go every time? Just New? Where else is there now. Astral shut. Carnival shut. Boulevard the same problem as Marx. Marx the new purple lounge problem. But Marx and Boulevard are only good as a prelude to room, and that should wait for the clocks to go back.
Marx has really ceased to be a refuge now; the old jazz, smoke, ferns has gone, the evocative powerful days of 50s Soho jazz girl, big tits blonde Give me 5 On it, American girl, black feathers, Belly Josephine. It used to be dark, closed in and sleazy, very intimate, especially American girl and big tits blonde Give me 5 on it! That has all gone now. The way the intimacy of Carnival Strip has TOTALLY gone. They're becoming so slick and Americanised now. Oh for the old-fashioned seedy sleazy clubs! Where to go for that thrill? Where except New? I can't believe that's the only cinema either, there MUST be more: go on walks in winter.
The visits to New & Marx haven't been very good because it is still new & tentative: the deeper we get into winter and especially once the clocks go back, it will be better and richer: to think the Grosz period didn't even begin till March!

Thursday, 8 September 2016

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

Like Inspector Clouseau and Commissioner Dreyfus, I'll send them into the madhouse

Like Inspector Clouseau and Commissioner Dreyfus, I'll send them into the madhouse, they won't get me! Life is to be enjoyed. If other people want to fill their lives with jealousy & hatred, they're really missing out on a lot.

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

My differentness is my glory, that's why they resent me; my peacock's feathers!

My differentness is my glory, that's why they resent me; my peacock's feathers! They hate me for the brilliance & size of my peacock feathers!

My differentness is my glory, that's why they resent me; my peacock's feathers!

My differentness is my glory, that's why they resent me; my peacock's feathers! They hate me for the brilliance & size of my peacock feathers!

Monday, 5 September 2016

It is exhilarating is it not! I am on a scented sea of bosoms

It is exhilarating, is it not! I am on a scented sea of bosoms. Me and voluptuous Sophie Dahl is all there is. I am Fantomas looming over Paris. With the Taoist smile: "It is wealth to be content".
Lashing with rain now, 12.47. Spitting as I went down the road. It makes them edgy, they've thrown everything they've got at me, and I'm still here. How I relish the battle, how exhilarating it is.

Saturday, 3 September 2016

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I am brilliant because I get great material out of it.

I am brilliant because I get great material out of it. How I emerge with fresh inspiration and reborn energy; like a snake sloughing off its skin at periodic intervals. It is all a game to me, you stupid people. Don't you realise, I am playing you like a violin, you are playing your parts without realising it, like miniatures in my Grand Tour game.
It's like the shaming of the Swiss, I put up with it for too long; now it's gone too far. I'm not putting up with it anymore. Society tries to make you feel ashamed for being anti-social, and therapy joins in with this conspiracy. It's like Capricorn One. The fact is you HAVE to be sociable. No, you don't. You're trying to force this line on me. But I won't buy that line, and that makes me too difficult apparently.

Monday, 29 August 2016

I love tempting people into it

I love tempting people into it. Trapping them. Tricking them into my web.

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Once you open your mouth to say a bad word to someone then you've stuck a poison dart into yourself

Once you open your mouth to say a bad word to someone, then you've stuck a poison dart into yourself. If you hurt another human being, it never goes away; it stains you forever.
"Fuelled by honest contempt, Hitchens clearly enjoyed taking the revenge that those with brains always ultimately get, and he did it brilliantly, and without mercy."
I love the opposition, don't I? The electricity it gives, the tasty sweet blood in my mouth (Frankenstein AND Dracula!). It proves I am as glorious as I thought, I am a Napoleon. What fools they let me make of them. I am eccentric and blase, and carefree about it: I am now enjoying such rich sybaritic pleasures, and having the time of my life. They are providing me with the electricity I need to ride on this wave of the scented sea of bosoms.
I am completely carefree, and reckless, and spontaneous, and Priapic, and situationist.
I love the wildness of my life; don't these petty people realise that? You've got to live WILDLY. The more opposition I get, the more I like it. People with brains will always ultimately gain the victory, that's what they cannot stand. I shall enjoy watching them dig deeper holes for themselves, because it's going to rebound on them, not me. And in the meantime I am gathering all the richness into my stories. I'm starting to enjoy all my deep sybaritic pleasures.

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Writers think about it

Writers think about it, and respond eight years later.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Giacometti can be represented as a dreadful worrier

"Giacometti can be represented as a dreadful worrier, a frequenter of brothels, a woman-fancier with no sense of proportion. Solitary, tormented, epically miserable, glacially brilliant but with a curious gift for silent friendship."

Monday, 22 August 2016

I am gilding my cage

I am gilding my cage. I am lining my rut with fur. I devote my life to nothing but pleasure, while at the same time writing about it.

Sunday, 21 August 2016

Very dark and grey this 8am morning. I took what I needed

Very dark and grey this 8am morning. I took what I needed, like Taste the Blood of Dracula, now I'm writing about it. I am more evil & sadistic than they can possibly imagine. I WANTED this electricity. I did it to generate this electricity, this keenness.
They let me make fools of them. All the notebooks of the eight years weren't wasted, they are full of the starting ideas which can all be developed and exploited later e.g. the Wickhamnauts and Edwardnauts. They were starts of ideas; only now am I ready to write.
They fear me so much, they are desperate for any stick to try and beat me with, because I am a beautiful intellectual. The last 8 years has been the chrysalis stage, Writing is my chance to round on my critics and make them see they had lost all along.
"You may produce the one line that the world needs, and justifies your existence. The other lines are all forgotten, they don't matter."

Saturday, 20 August 2016

"It is doubtful you will take a back seat now"

"It is doubtful you will take a back seat now, particularly if you have already mapped out your route or decided on a course of action. However, the likelihood is that someone will pursue you, without any regard for your feelings. Either way, you must remain true to yourself today." That is the important thing, remain true to yourself. S put unbearable pressure on me.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Just because I've a great need to be alone doesn't make me a bad person

Just because I've a great need to be alone doesn't make me a bad person: she seems to think it does. I needed someone to understand me as I was, to be accepted. This was too much for her.
Just because her 16 week closure is threatened. She doesn't think about the human cost of me trying to go away and suddenly try to implement these things, contort myself into being the complete opposite for what I've been for -- years. Like closing up Tutankhamun's tomb after 16 weeks, but 90% of the treasures are still down there. But no she's adamant, the 16 weeks is nearly up, it must be CLOSED! It's just stupid. Set yourself artificial time limits then you make problems for yourself, but you try and push those problems onto me. If the job of closing Tutankhamun's tomb cannot be finished in 16 weeks, you should calmly say so, and that's all right, there is no panic about that, if I cannot finish it with you, that's sad, but I can continue with someone else or continue the exploration job alone, but don't try and close the lid down and seal it up again, don't try and shut me up again. It is so artificial, it is such a rushed bodged fix. This is not beneficial, this is more harmful. We could have had a slow pace and left open, instead of rushed panicky pace forcing me to close myself down all this time. This was unhelpful.
I've been closed for -- years, now I've started opening, I'm not ready to be closed again. Everything's got to happen and be seen to happen in 16 weeks. After -- years of being me in a certain way, for very good reasons, I think this is rather far-fetched and unrealistic.
If they take me on, they give me power; they cannot win.
With my specialness, wildness, I show my complete POWER over them, my complete invincibility to their dullard stupidity. I am afraid I'm going to have to keep frustrating them by continuing to enjoy my sybaritic pleasures.
It was always my natural road, but I tried to fight my natural road, because I was horrified by its implications. Like a vampire, or a homosexual.
How delicious my insouciance is. I am more alive than them. I ride on a scented sea of bosoms. They cannot get their hands on my secret treasure. I love the thrill of the chase, the excitement they give me. They laugh because they hate their own inadequacies. Wherever they go, they will be treated to my SUPREME CONFIDENCE; my calm happy unflinching TAOIST SMILE.
I yearn for everyone to be against me, they are playing into my hands.
My implacable TAOIST SMILE, and my SUPREME CONFIDENCE, will face them wherever they go. They will never get away from it, like Nayland Smith can never get away from Fu Manchu.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

My behaviour is strange but it is strange for a reason

My behaviour is strange but it is strange for a reason, it's no good just slapping me on the wrist. I was a branch that grew in a strange direction from the start, it is inconvenient but that's the way it is.
They can do NOTHING to dent my irrepressible optimism. My sybaritic pleasure-filled joyousness. Just because they are in the majority, they seem to think that makes them right, while I'm here to tell them it doesn't. And I shall take pleasure in constantly reminding them. This feels like the verge of the most exciting time in my life.
T.S.Eliot: Arnold's Dover Beach: Live all you can. Force moment to its crisis.
I want to describe life from an extreme place, so they are playing into my hands.
I love forcing things to their crisis, mischievously, deliciously, I'm addicted to it. I love finding new victims, who fall into my clutches, get caught in my web and lured into my lair.

Monday, 15 August 2016

"People would often talk about him to me; they said he was unstable, moody, even neurotic; I liked being the only one who understood him"

"People would often talk about him to me; they said he was unstable, moody, even neurotic; I liked being the only one who understood him. If he was sometimes blunt and rude, as people claimed, it was certainly only as a defence. For he possessed that rarest of all gifts, which I should call goodness if the word had not been so abused; let me say that he really cared about people."
Because I'm beyond their understanding. "In letter to De Beauvoir through the autumn of 1948, Algren explained how unhappy he was with his the existence he was leading, how tired he was of solitude and intellectual isolation."
Life is unbearable if you're undecided, that's the thing. Well I've decided now, and I'm going all out with it.

Saturday, 13 August 2016

It is like swatting a fly

It is like swatting a fly.
I am collecting the material they give me; how they feed me with electricity. The glue I need. How I love annoying people with my beauty, and intelligence, and genius.

Friday, 12 August 2016

How I love the sounds of the jungle

How I love the sounds of the jungle.
How the stupid people hate me; what a compliment that is. How they torment themselves to try to get my attention. This is the effect great people like me have on the little people.

Thursday, 11 August 2016

They don't like me because I've got courage not to be a sheep

They don't like me because I've got courage not to be a sheep, desperately fit in. I'm too busy living my own life, and enjoying my life, my sybaritic pleasures. How that annoys them. The outsider likes opposition, like Camus. I've got them on the run. Laughing at other people, with deliberate spiteful intent, they damn themselves; and I am drawing them into it. How I love winding people up.
If I go to Victoria, it will be in order to write a new chapter in my book.
A scented sea of bosoms, remember that!

Saturday, 6 August 2016

I have had to learn ways to bind my own wound

I have had to learn ways to bind my own wound; I have had to make my own bandages, and my own balm. I am my own creation, I was left uncreated, unformed, in a burning building. I am wild, and rampant, and completely reckless.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Be ruthless, and vicious, and sadistic

Be ruthless, and vicious, and sadistic.
I’m not frightened of being ECCENTRIC, I’m PROUD of it, it is my glory, by singling me out they are playing into my hands, they are puffing me up even more with  a sense of my own specialness and brilliance which I suspected I had, now they’re proving it. They don’t seem to realise: to be eccentric and totally ignored would be terrible, to be eccentric and given all the special attention, that is what eccentrics crave and glory in. They are giving me precisely what I revel in. This is the size of their defeat. Is this really the only price I have to pay for my genius?
Been thundering and drizzling all afternoon and evening (7pm now). Other people’s lives are not so happy. That is why it doesn’t pay to go round laughing at other people. If you keep to your line, and keep a clear conscience you’re always going to come out of it stronger; and they only even weaker.
It’s like Will Hunting trying to explain how much he likes his job as janitor and how noble it is, when inside he’s dying away.
You’ve got to hold your nerve, hold to your own line, withstand all the pressure, stick to your own gameplan; to make your mark in the world of poetry, to have your success there, success being measured in attaining the highest equilibrium of mind, the greatest spiritual calm, and deep pleasure.
It’s like Napoleon trying to present his Egyptian campaign as a brilliant glorious success, glossing over the Battle of the  Nile defeat to Nelson.
To be alone in this world makes it hard to find your equilibrium, but to have to find it under constant sniping fire makes it more of a trial still, but it makes the satisfaction greater when  you do find it and keep it.

Sunday, 31 July 2016

That’s what I like to do and they can’t stop me

That’s what I like to do, and they can’t stop me. I am the way I want to be, and they don’t like it, they don’t like my brilliance, my intelligence, my beauty, my serenity, my grace—they are my pawns. They are playing into my hands, they are falling into their parts in my experiment without realising they are giving me the research I need.
Don’t they think perhaps it is a sign of their own insecurity? Do they not think they are giving the game away a little?
“A misunderstanding could damage your reputation and injure your confidence. As everything intensifies, patience is your last resort. Despite outer confusion, remain calm if you can, as your inner experience will be full of inspiration and brilliance.”
“Luckily your independent temperament isn’t too bothered by lack of co-operation from other people this week. You’ve got your own agenda and you are quite happy to get on with it. You see obstacles and delays as opportunities for change, but do guard against finding a new problem to replace the old one you’ve just solved.”
Don’t dim your light for anyone. You can never have enough enemies. I will enjoy taking them on.
Do whatever you know people are going to reproach you for; dare them; wind them up.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

How I love the sounds of the jungle!

How I love the sounds of the jungle! I want to become an "unrestrained colourist with a richness of line bordering on the violent"!
I am Dracula, I am tall and dark and mysterious, and brilliant, and intelligent, and genius, and rich: what more could I possibly want?? I take their unending squeals of abuse as a compliment, and as such are warmed by them.
You think I should change to fit in with your dogma, when surely your dogma should change to encompass my extremes?

Saturday, 16 July 2016

Socialising is not the be all and end all. There is more to life

Socialising is not the be all and end all. There is more to life. Obviously I’m not going to co-operate in my own extinction. Borderline autism is the reason I was put on this planet, that is my specialness. If you take my specialness away from me you leave me with nothing. Analysis and Therapy: you leap on me 50 times a session; you contradict everything I say, it’s like you see me as an aberration, and that aberration has got to be wiped out, instead of seeing what brilliant things this aberration could create if encouraged to bloom, given warmth and love and encouragement, stimulate the growth of the aberration, not wipe it out.
I am a rare and endangered species and there’s lots of big game hunters out there with their rifles just looking to wipe creatures out for the thrill of it. Oliver Sacks wouldn’t attempt to contradict everything those four people said to him, instead he gave them their head, and let them unfurl their lives for him, and what brilliant stories they were able to paint for him, what brilliant fascinating programmes they were! Uplifting, stimulating, that there are such brilliant aberrations in this world. We’re not like the normal people we see on the news every night. A peacock in the middle of all this grey uniformity. Sarah opened up an unbearable life for me, it made me see my previous position wasn’t so unbearable after all; it made me see I should think myself lucky for what I had, I yearned to go back to it. Like Lorca in New York.

Friday, 15 July 2016

Oscar Wilde showed the stupid people up for what they are; I hope that is what I can do, too

Oscar Wilde showed the stupid people up for what they are; I hope that is what I can do, too. One day if I’ve got 60 or 80 books behind me, that body of work will show the stupid people up, it will educate people about people who are borderline autistic, demonstrate that that is as valid and as valuable a thing to be as anything else. It is about seeing value in everything. A writer, etc. We have a fundamental difference, I have an autist’s neutrality. What do we need slugs, and millipedes and ants for, people say; but in fact they are all performing a vital function, they are all part of the brilliant biodiversity of the planet. Like if rainforest is destroyed, they bewail 20 species have been lost that no one had seen yet! And they are right to bewail that! Lalage might only be useful to me when it reverts to a correspondence relationship. She says whenever I talk to her about Sarah I always sound very scathing (?), when we seemed to have a warm and important relationship. Felt miserable there, and coming out.
It is about helping me accept my isolation. It is about helping someone accept their incurable cancer and make their remaining life as rich and exciting as possible.
If you keep contradicting me, it will make me defensive. I am a rare endangered species, and if you keep contradicting I feel you want to wipe me out, too. If you allow me to continue living, we can start to make progress. I love my little brother so much, I cannot let you destroy him and all he stands for. He has been attacked and abused all his life, and told it was his fault, but not anymore. I’m taking a different path but that is the only way I can extract the material I need to extract. I tried living normally, in a bewildered limbo, for 28 years, now I’m going into the jungle to extract that extinction. My differentness must be preserved because that is what is special about me: that gives me the only advantage I’ve got. If you keep trying to trip me up, then I’m always going to have to defend myself, aren’t I? I go through life, hypersensitive, looking for the first sign of an obsession I can cling onto; because my obsessions are my glories, they are my glorious surreal creations.
“A sense of one’s own strangeness” is a wonderful thing to discover in life, and you try to take that away. I must fight to the death to protect that. I find this philosophical conversation stimulating and unblocking. A lifelong bid to heal that wound, to be left alone is the way to live life, because it is what M showed me. If I have to stop living alone, you are forcing me to abandon that little baby forever, then he would die.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

I am superior and triumphant, and they are worsening their position all the time

I am superior and triumphant, and they are worsening their position all the time. Let them wonder; as I happily continue along my merry little way. Great people do attract the abuse of the stupid people, they feel afraid of me. Oscar Wilde had it, Van Gogh had it; they recognise I am great and are terrified of me.
It is interesting; what material they give me.
I am showing them how to live life on the edge. I am refining my rough genius, making it more pointed and sophisticated and deadly.
I am living in a fantasy world, a hellish world of mining the coalface, like in Outland with Sean Connery on some remote Jupiter moon; but the rewards are enormous for those prepared to do it.
I love the abandon and Dionysian negation of Marxworld.
I love their opposition. How their opposition thrills me. What electricity they give to my life. What sexual power. Completely immerse myself in that sleazy yellow Marxworld; it is MY world; it is where I know myself best, it is where I belong. I thrive and flourish and bloom on whatever energy they can give me; whatever blood they let me suck. I am in the position I would choose to be in.
They're jealous because they can't touch my riches, they are out of reach, I move in realms & opera houses & cinemas & football stadiums & pubs & restaurants & clubs they don't understand, that are barred to them forever. They can't stand not being able to move in my circles. How I kill myself laughing at them; how pathetic they make themselves look.
This is my fix. They are providing me with my red fix.
They don't understand how I am using them, sucking them vampirically. Give me more! I am rapacious. I'm forever out of their reach, and that's all they can do.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

Jumping to please other people, you'll be jumping all your life

Jumping to please other people, you'll  be jumping all your life. Because that's the way THEY are? That's not the way I am, does that matter?
My dreams, my fantasies, my riches: That is my paradise, that no one else can compete with, that is what they are jealous of, that is what they fear. They are trying to launch pre-emptive strikes to stop me, but fail miserably and become increasingly desperate.
I have a weakness, a penchant, a liking for sex clubs.
I am a powerful polemicist on my own behalf.
I thought I could come back and have a conversation on a more intelligent basis than before. Not indoctrination. Sarah's got a lot to learn. Maybe if I write 60 or 80 books, that body of work will help educate people.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

This quest to find out what's wrong with me instead of trying to get better

This quest to find out what's wrong with me, instead of trying to get better; they want to paper over what's wrong with me, pretend it's not there.
The closer the threat of work comes, the more desperately I yearn to return to Sunset Strip. The more exquisite it becomes, the more I taste the blood in my mouth, the pain in my gums. Joe Orton, "if you want to get fucked, get fucked; when you're dead you'll regret neglecting your genitals." I EXULT in being different, and doing things differently.
At 28, Frank Sinatra just started inventing himself, in  New York. I can just start now.
What if there's nothing there? I am a genius of nothingness. The nothingness an abandoned baby feels.
I love the sadistic masochistic eye-contact with the Sunset girls, like with leopardskin brunette "I'm doing it", black feathers, Belly Josephine, black bob. That drunken Chandos world, Strand restaurant, Oscar Wilde street, Haymarket and Leicester Square cinemas, Chelsea, Charing X Road, Sunset Strip, Soho Cinema, Coliseum. Victoria.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

I want to give myself over to P&P, I want to lead the double life

I want to give myself over to P&P, I want to lead the double life.
"Hangover Square, by Patrick Hamilton. A funny, depressing, vivid and mundane chronicle of London pub life before the war. From the early evening hope of the night's first drink to the stale cigarette smoke and unfulfilled promise of last orders, Patrick Hamilton describes the highs & lows of career alcoholism and observes the brutality of barroom philosophising."
I'm a solitary creature and to be frank, that's how I want it. With some money in my bank, my situation is perfect.
Dandys Boys Better Beware, a great dancer song, like the Americans Nirvana & Levelllers dance! Loud, and agressive and raucous, turned way up loud! I want to completely lose myself in Soho; like Will Self completely loses himself on heroin, etc, that's the way he lives. I want lots of black carpark money in my pockets.
Be weird and monstrous and elegant like Will Self.
I am flattered by their attention. I want more of it. It shows they are thinking about me.
I believe in hedonism, doing everything for pleasure on the spur of the moment. A sensationalist. I have set them up for their fall now. I'm flattered by the attention.