Saturday, 30 January 2016

There was no one there with anything special

There was no one there with anything special: no special dancers, no special bodies, no special stage presence, no other world, not like Belly Josephine, Bat Girl, black feathers, black bob, black vamp, etc, etc. I suppose they come and go.
I did enjoy going back to pub, then on to Marx. It's so hard to get turned on at Marx, Stellar is best.

Thursday, 28 January 2016

I tried to get into that Thursday afternoon feeling, smoke jazz ferns

I tried to get into that Thursday afternoon feeling, smoke jazz ferns, Mrs Parker & the Vicious Circle, Algonquin Hotel, Charing Cross round table, 1920s black bob & cloche hats, Mata Harian, Dixian, Fu Manchu girls, but it was very hard, it feels so empty now. Before it was so electric and meaningful. It was the cauldron of all meaning in my life, it became the crucible. But that milieu is comprehensively dead. I mourn it.

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Graham Greene always went to places of danger

Graham Greene always went to places of danger; be Greene of the mind. Russian roulette.

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Most people really, I think, see President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky as a case of men behaving badly

Most people really, I think, see President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky as a case of men behaving badly, no big deal. Me going to Marx hotel is just me behaving badly, no big deal. That purple jumper picture of Sophie Dahl speaks so powerful and extraordinarily of Marx hotel, and rooms, and Stellar and New!

Monday, 25 January 2016

Be Garboesque

Be Garboesque, wrapped in black fur and protected.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

I want to go mad, and be naughty

I want to go mad, and be naughty, and wild and bohemian now, smiling  broadly!
Yes, I've got a high opinion of myself, but I've also got a high opinion of everybody else, and so that's why I would pay them the ultimate compliment of never trying to cage them, as people cage me from the moment I step through the door. Then I lose all respect for them, they become contemptible.
She didn't change my mind about anything, she made me aware of so much though. Clarified my thinking, and made me more certain than ever.
I love the Stellar films! They are naughty but fun! The Marx hotel is the Cotton Club! Thriving raucous energies. Some vitality in my life.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

I miss the routine of those Marx Thursdays

I miss the routine of those Marx Thursdays. Remember the quiet of the mornings, followed by the growing raucousness of the afternoons. The quiet refined "first muezzin" of the morning, followed by the raucous feverish Cotton Club of the afternoon. The desire I have to lose myself in Marx and writing again, away from the cold deadening grip of the --.

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Looking at the Irene Jacob, Lovis Corinth, Kirsten Imrie pictures last year

Looking at the Irene Jacob, Lovis Corinth, Kirsten Imrie pictures last year: the Francis Bacon exhibition in February would be perfect day to go to exhibition, film, pub, Sunset Strip and room. I'm making a clear statement now: I do choose the rooms life, as a bohemian, writer's life, in fin de siecle London.
I look forward to going back to opera, and Sunset Strip, and Astral, it's all part of the same thing.
If someone's abusing you that proves they're stupid; if the stupid people are abusing you that proves you're doing something right (it's when you start fitting in with the stupid people that you should become depressed). Her attitude seems to be if you are being abused it proves you have bad body language, and you must change your ways so you are accepted by them. I love her dearly, and would enjoy it very much if I could spend the rest of my life debating such abstract themes with her, if she didn't have a life to lead.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

I'm angry at Sarah but I need her

I'm angry at Sarah, but I need her. I need her more than anything else. I miss her more than anything else. I'm sad about going to ----- ------- because it's the final lid on me and Sarah. I will never see her again. As you know, she has moved out of this district now, he said. I feel such a need for Sunset Strip, Astral, rooms, all those places, it doesn't matter anymore. I feel reckless, careless, because I've lost Sarah, and nothing matters anymore, I can do what I want now.
It is a form of negation/enjoyment: more than ever before. The nihilistic strip dancers, but the enjoyment and excitement.
I want to try to get back into that pornographic frame of mind again: be subsumed in it. Look at the MM picture and think of rooms. Go back to the volcanic cauldron, when it's black & dark, and I've got 3 pints inside me, after Devil's Advocate.


Tuesday, 19 January 2016

I miss the Carnival Strip Club a lot

I miss the Carnival Strip Club a lot: that was the best, in the end. The darkness and privacy (complete opposite of the Boulevard).

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Clock 'That's the Way I Like It'

Clock ‘That’s the Way I Like It’: that’s why I go to Sunset Strip. It’s no big deal, it’s calm and relaxed. Ultra Nate.
The volcano in the Bay of Naples. I want my ---- out again in Astral and Soho Cinema. I want the rooms, simply because I want something to do. I make no apologies from now on.
I like occupying my time by doing things which are pleasurable to me. I like Sunset Strip, because it’s sleazy and jazz, smoke, ferns.
That Marie on Right to Reply, young student girl in black bob & glasses, saying we should be allowed to watch hard core pornography if we want to: as she walked through Soho past the cinema and striptease clubs, and bought groceries: this makes me feel it is all right! Perfectly healthy and normal and honest.


Saturday, 16 January 2016

I love looking at the sexy pictures in the Star

I love looking at the sexy pictures in the Star, and I do want to go back to Sunset Strip. I don’t know why I didn’t go yesterday. It is fun, and spectacular, and jazz, ferns and smoke. It is Mrs Parker & the Vicious Circle, Charing Cross Hotel is the Algonquin Hotel and the round table in 1920s New York. And Astral and Soho Cinema, too! They are superb.
“I would never have become a writer if I hadn’t been mad, and been able to wrap it up in the pages of a fiction, instead of standing screaming in the street….Madness plunges you into previously unsuspected depths of awareness, and will always need to be communicated.”
“Looking into another’s eyes: a more palpable infinity, which will never exhaust my curiosity.”
I feel no shame about going to rooms: I want to try them all!
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Friday, 15 January 2016

Looking at the Star

Looking at the Star, I feel I'm getting that old Thursday feeling again! Weren't they wonderful, those Thursdays going to shopping in Foyles, Virgin, then film, then pub, then to see black bob in the Sunset Strip. The jazz, the ferns, the smoke, Mrs Parker & the Vicious Circle at the Algonquin Hotel. It's just like going to the theatre, the theatre of vampires. Why didn't I want to go to Sunset Strip today? It would have been something to do.


Thursday, 14 January 2016

Thursdays were always my black bob days

Thursdays were always my black bob days; return tomorrow. Sunny, and almost spring-like today, how it reminds me of the spring mornings returning from newspaper club on bus, going in --, getting the Mrs Parker reviews, preparing to go and see black bob that same afternoon! I don’t want to be rushing today. Go to Camden jeans, Alien Resurrection and Sunset Strip tomorrow. That March morning waking up to spring and Don’t Cry For Me Argentina on the radio, then going to see Manhattan.
Looking at bob it was awe-inspiring that anything could have moved me so much, because I’m very unmovable. It was a quite holy event in my life: it is like the resurrection of Christ and ascent to heaven, it will sustain me for the rest of my life.
Egyptian belly dancing club where the Turkish deal was done: Sunset Strip is a gentlemen’s club where deals are done amidst the ferns and jazz band and violins and girls and smoke.
IT’S CHEAP AND CHEERFUL, AND JAZZ AND FERNS!
I felt hurt and confused that there was this woman who kept trying to change me; some might say that went with the territory, rather; but I associated attempts to criticise and change me with my enemies, somehow in my mixed up state I didn’t expect it of her. Like falling in love with someone, then they try to change you.
Freud Hotel like Last Year in Marienbad, he is revisiting this big hotel and entering the lobby again, as he remembers so well doing all those weeks and weeks on end when he was so ill and so hysterical, when he was a patient here, when it meant so much to him, and now he had come back again, and the sensations and Proustian memories were overwhelming, a maelstrom spun inside his chest, his brain tingled with pleasure and sadness and love and regret and frustration and hurt, as he climbs the stairs again, as he walks along the corridors, through trompe l’oeil doorways, down wooden steps, onto vast black hanging landings: to the middle of black vacuums, just echoing calling voices, then back into carpeted office corridors again, padding softly on, a pain in his head, for the time he had spent here and which he had lost forever.
Like he fell asleep a minute from the end of Last Year in Marienbad, and could not face watching the film again to see how it ended, his last moments with her seemed to have cut off a minute from the end, so he can never remember how it ended. Poised for ever just a minute from completion, then it was snatched from him, the memory had been stolen. What did happen in that last minute. A whole life had happened, a whole universe had existed and crashed and died again.
I felt now that this hadn’t happened yet: I had gone back to the time before I ever met her (impossible to even imagine such a thing!), and now I was visiting the hotel in preparation for my first visit to my therapist, a Dr Stettler. I felt frightened that I wouldn’t like her, and wouldn’t warm to her.
It is research, to return to Marx hotel, the Sunset Strip beneath.

I miss the shameful feeling of coming back from Soho

I miss the shameful feeling of coming back from Soho: how invigorating it is. Cutting the rough skin off the heels of my feet, I am reminded Proustianly of the nights getting back from a hard day in Soho every Tuesday & Thursday during the black bob period. Couldn’t I resume visits to Sunset Strip and rooms—that will give me the necessary impetus to earn it in work. My name is Tallulah; how can I forget! It’s just seeing a show after the pressures of work.
Perhaps this will be more a year of rooms than ever. I lead the double life and that’s it. Wedekind!
Important to remember: they attack me because they feel inferior to me (and well they might).
That Caprice ‘Tiger Tiger’ picture, and the Emma Noble picture in brown dress, is why I must go to Sunset Strip. The morphine addiction is getting worse. Because there is an emptiness and it fills it (temporarily).
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Tuesday, 12 January 2016

If you refuse to accept I’m not normal how can we make any progress

If you refuse to accept I’m not normal, how can we make any progress: because we’re talking at cross-purposes from the start. To me it’s so obvious that I’m not normal, and it confuses me when Sarah refuses to let me say that. I save my first thoughts in this vein until I come back to see Dr S------ and tell him about it, that will sour the mood. Sarah wouldn't let me say that, she'd say I am building a wall. My view is if you've got poison in your system, you've got to let it out. I think you're trying to change something which can't be changed, so stalling any attempt to be able to get help to cope with it better.

Monday, 11 January 2016

The double life is absolutely vital, to save one’s life

The double life is absolutely vital, to save one’s life.
"A six-page letter from Sir Stephen Spender that was almost totally devoted to a discussion of the vexed question of Wittgenstein’s sexuality, and also raised some interesting questions about the nature of biography. “Wittgenstein chooses to live in the most remote places...An important point of such aloneness is that it removes him from temptations of promiscuity, towns—London, Vienna—being haunts of anonymous promiscuity. For the solitary, the anonymous promiscuous relationship is a kind of solution. It may also have the added attraction of providing situations which can be satisfying on some level, of people who do not know anything about one another coming together in the fulfilment of a need…The ‘rough trade’ of the Prater provides meetings of this kind, and even if the boys met are intellectually & spiritually zero, their lusts, raised as it were to some point of ecstacy, are not always so."
"The duty to oneself, the duty of genius."
"Nabokov resolves his stories with a cataclysmic “scandal” or a diminuendo, when an unimportant life relapses patiently into itself", like a collapsing star. Like my visit to the Vienna Freud Hotel (a massive building in 6998 Vienna, like the impact the Empire State Building made on the world in 1931).
I see a life unfulfilled on every level, which failed to ignite as it should have done given the unlimited store of material waiting for a spark; my tombstone will have as its epitaph: "I think you asked too much of me".
As addicted to the morphine as ever.


Sunday, 10 January 2016

Begin with something wrong with me

Begin with something wrong with me. A community of autistic people, a playground, how comfortable I would have felt in such a playground: instead of the terrible nightmare they always were. A room marked desperation: it’s still there, but it’s just sleeping quietly at the moment. I treat people how I would wish to be treated: I don’t like people making conversation with me, so I don’t try and make conversation with them, and think this is the height of politeness. I think Sarah should apologise to me, or give me some explanation. I don’t think “change” is realistic. At best you can understand your problems and cope with them better. By concentrating firmly on the former it slowed my attempts to achieve the latter.
Astral/Sunset Strip is only good as a brief prelude preparing me for room. Monday. Remember the excitement of last year, with Evita. Then it grew into the rooms. How lovely to get drunk, go to Sunset briefly, then on to room.


Saturday, 9 January 2016

The sexiness of that Madonna bulging out of black dress picture [8 Jan]

The sexiness of that Madonna bulging out of black dress picture: how best to realise this, and indulge it. Is it done best in Astral/Soho Cinema, or Sunset Strip, or in room. The January 1st picture from last year’s newspaper diary rather marked the fact it was to be a year of rooms. How extraordinary it is to look at it! You have to go the whole hog and lose yourself in it. Will this year be a year of rooms? I was a bit slow off the mark last year. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Evita, OHMSS (and brown bob girl). Tuesday 13th will be anniversary of my first Monday visit of last New Year. It was sexy just taking my long johns off and going up London in my shorts and feeling myself swelling looking at the yellow magazines, and in street outside. Indulge this, and respond to flirting.
I've just found a picture of Ashlyn Gere! After my first room, I cut out that white Kimberly Patton picture from Space Above & Beyond, her real name is Ashlyn Gere. What a coincidence. I want to go straight back to see Painter again, just for 20 minutes, then go to room. I was there 3.30 until 6 when it came on. I want Astral repeatedly, and room repeatedly. Big-breasted lace blonde made me so excited I went to Malandra's room, and red wig bit breast blonde made me so excited I went to the leopardskin room. So that cauldron as well. Blonde Dean Street room and Rachel room are volcanic orange breaks in my repressed rough surface, so too Malandra and Leopardskin. I am sexually rampant and uncontrollable, purple trousers will know that and understand that; Picasso understood that, Wedekind. What a vibrant time in my life. The Italian Club period and the Grosz period afterwards. Even the Damnation of Faust sin den seems thrilling in retrospect: I almost want to go back there again. Isn’t this sick. My volcanic sinful desires. They will not be stopped. I will indulge them again. If I have my haircut tomorrow, I will be in Sunset Strip and room by Monday 5pm. The £167 I earned from the P.O. has bought me 8 rooms. I love sex, pulchritude, pornography, carnal knowledge. It is the only thing which gives purpose and meaning to going to Charing Cross. Important to remember: The double life of Franz Schubert. All repressed creative geniuses must lead the “double life”.
The last time I went to Sunset there was a great: red wig blonde in October. The previous time I wen tto Sunset there was a great: black lace blonde in May. Go after Alien Resurrection Tuesday perhaps. No! The sexiness resides in purple trousers at Charing X, in getting the train and seeing the sexy girl on ------- station platform, it is saving my money so that it stays high for as long as possible. It is going to the cinema and coming out into the black night and messianically bitterly heading back to Charing X. Charing X, always Charing X. Write my Charing X Alexanderplatz. Remember how good it felt after LA Confidential, how relaxing it is to come from cinema to know the train will still be quiet. I think red days will become just an accepted part of my life this year: there will be no more agonising about it. I will regularly go back to Sunset Strip, Astral, Soho Cinema, rooms, quite casually: because I need to be unclothed in the room. The desires are there and they must be let out, so I remain calm and at ease. I will not lead a clean life: I refuse. I laugh at them.

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

I do want pornography and I always will. But I do miss the real contact with the girls at the Post Office

I do want pornography, and I always will. But I do miss the real contact with the girls at the Post Office. Francis Bacon article in Time Out. Being a homosexual, said Daniel Farson, he lived his life “absolutely racked by guilt”. Francis Bacon’s dark side, painting pictures of “exhilarated despair”.
Get myself up and organised very early tomorrow morning, so I’m ahead of schedule all the way through the day: the impossible dream.
The thrill to be back up London again, the yellow shop, the pub, then Sunset Strip, Astral, Soho Cinema!
Sarah would say: you’ve got to bite the bullet some day. Or you don’t have to, and then you’ll be alone and unhappy all your life. You can’t keep carrying out relationships at this romantic abstract level, you must at some time talk to people if you want to have a proper relationship.
I’m doing with my life what I want to do with my life: spending my time in porn cinemas.

Sunday, 3 January 2016

I miss Sarah so much, and I hate her for it

I miss Sarah so much, and I hate her for it. She’s left a big black hole in my life.
I can’t wait to get back to Soho: it’s my natural environment, and that’s it. Oh, I ache for the Chandos pub! The smell, the excitement, the sleaze of Astral! The excitement of those films. The game is the best thing in my life. I prefer to build on something already existing. 
“After he succumbed to the orgiastic pleasures of the Venusberg”.