Sunday, 28 February 2016

"Twenty Icons"

"Twenty Icons. These are the people who shaped the 20th Century. Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, glorify them or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels? We make tools for these kinds of people. Because while some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. And it's the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, who actually do. Think different."


Saturday, 27 February 2016

I've reclaimed my writing again

I've reclaimed my writing again, that's what I've done. I've reclaimed myself. I've reclaimed my retreat. I've reclaimed Tender is the Night and Inside the Volcano as being part of me.  I want to dream my life away, as a monk in a monastery. Assimilation, integration, brings me face to face with the inescapable fact that my brain is damaged beyond repair which makes such attempts futile; I want to escape to a retreat where I never have to feel the pain of this again.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

"No one can doubt that you've had your share of rude awakenings and hard knocks"

"No one can doubt that you've had your share of rude awakenings and hard knocks. In fact, you are in a better position than you have been for some while. Pluto's influence will soon reveal ways in which you can change course with regard to earning and spending money. And so much will be explained around the time of Thursday's solar eclipse, you'll feel you need never be in the dark again. You are witnessing the beginning of a wonderful process of recovery, discovery and joy. It's up to you to decide which elements of the past to hold on to and which to ignore."
Lots of ferns, lots of Radio 3 turned up loud, lots of baths.
I would never predict anyone else's behaviour: I'm only interested in my own. I DO WHAT I WANT. I answer to no one. I don't get on with people at work: I'm not the same species as them. Happily play dead again now: what a joy. Smile happily, and totally confound them. Bring them despair that they still cannot touch me.
This is like the Damnation of Faust again. I like it, I thrive on it, it gives people the chance to embarrass themselves again and dash themselves to pieces against my insouciance in a pointless desperate attempt to land a blow on me again. I like things to be difficult. I pride myself on being strange. I understand the Damnation of Faust and I've come through it more times than they would ever be able to cope with.
Patrick Hamilton's Gaslight: let my madness and weirdness and power come out in everything I do. I exult in it.

Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Accept, -----. I am a monk

Accept, -----. I am a monk, living in the monastery. Tranquility, peace, serenity. Let all desires go. Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson. Sherlock Holmes did without it. You will have a period of sadness, then you will get over it. Sadness is good, it is the morphine I inject. Just accept it, ------, and sadly go on with life.


Monday, 22 February 2016

I've got a lot going for me

I've got a lot going for me: I'm very beautiful, I'm very intelligent, I'm very shrewd, I'm a writer, I'm going to write a great book and be famous one day, then she will want to know me.

Sunday, 21 February 2016

I hurt her (like Art Garfunkel hurt Theresa Russell in Bad Timing) and now she will never forgive me

I hurt her (like Art Garfunkel hurt Theresa Russell in Bad Timing) and now she will never forgive me. I will be punished forever now.
I am getting more beautiful all the time, she will be more attracted to me all the time. The game has only just started!
Hold your nerve now, ------. She is desperately curious about me, I am getting more beautiful: we are moving inexorably together, like the Titanic towards the iceberg. We are moving inexorably together, and the meeting is very close now. She wants to know about me, I will tell her myself.

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Last Wednesday in Stellar was the greatest sexual experience of my life

Last Wednesday in Stellar was the greatest sexual experience of my life, let's be honest. It was.

Monday, 15 February 2016

Follow the road to inner harmony:

Follow the road to inner harmony: A person with an 'autotelic self' is someone who is good at translating potential threats into enjoyable challenges. In so doing, he or she is able to maintain their inner harmony, and so is never bored, seldom anxious, and spends most waking hours experiencing flow.

Thursday, 11 February 2016

I think I'm the best person I've ever met [10th February 1998]

I think I'm the best person I've ever met, and if ------- leaving me is responsible for that, I have nothing but gratitude for her. She brought me into the world, how could you have anything but gratitude.
"Alter the world: it needs it. If you could alter the world, what would you refuse to do. Alter the world: it needs it. Who are you."
Spiral of silence.

Picasso, Barnard, Manet, they all painted with their pricks [9th February 1998]

Picasso, Barnard, Manet, they all painted with their pricks. I write with mine.


Yes I am going to go mad in Soho [8th February 1998]

Yes, I am going to go mad in Soho, like Wedekind, and Theo Van Gogh, and Francis Bacon, and Oscar Wilde. Because repression leads to unhappiness. The first weeks of this year have already been so much happier than the last two months of last year. Then I was resisting Soho, and it was killing me. Now I let go, indulge Soho every week.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

It's my vocation: I am a writer. It's what I am. I just haven't written anything yet

It's my vocation: I am a writer. It's what I am. I just haven't written anything yet. My Francis Bacon body of work.
Purple fingernails has definitely been this year's grey tweed.

Saturday, 6 February 2016

It is so exciting going up to cinema

It is so exciting going up to cinema, knowing I can go to Marx Hotel afterwards.
I'm entering a new golden age
Entering a new golden age, of Francis Bacon self indulgence, and of Francis Bacon's works and period of creation now.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Schadenfreude! They have played into my hands

Schadenfreude! They have played into my hands. To suffer the abuse, and not to be crushed by it, but triumph to confound them. To confound! To draw power from abuse, take it in, convert it and use it back at them to confound and distress them, make them see themselves for the small people they are.
Be the mysterious Machiavellian black figure. I'm Orson Welles. I'm Hugh Grant. I've got a thriving personal industry here! My own private publishing company.
Their silly self-humiliation is the sweet air I need to breathe. Schadenfreude. This attempted pain is what gives me pleasure. I inject their abuse like Sherlock Holmes injects opium. I will have my Baker Street rooms. It strengthens me, and thrills me, and becomes my dearest companion.
Pleasure in pain!

Thursday, 4 February 2016

I missed Bianca in green bikini again

I missed Bianca in green bikini again; but they will all be repeated at the end.
I did feel like Francis Bacon in Stellar today and coming out afterwards, and it did really help. I have grotesque shameful desires like Francis Bacon, I walk the streets of Soho looking for gay sexual adventures of a sado-masochistic kind. The sublime and ridiculous world of Francis Bacon. The double life. Wittgenstein’s rough trade: it will always be there. I will always need it. I will return soon to Dix, I will return to Stellar and New.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Be silent and polite, mysterious, enigmatic, beautiful & sexy. Dark blue & black. Be Garbo wrapped in black fur

Be silent and polite, mysterious, enigmatic, beautiful & sexy. Dark blue & black. Be Garbo wrapped in black fur. Be Francis Bacon, tormented. I am ill, sick, autistic. Other people are vulnerable too, scared in the street. No one will deflect me from my path, to my Swiss bank vaults. Enjoy the schadenfreude! It is the opium that Sherlock Holmes injects into himself in his Baker Street rooms!

Monday, 1 February 2016

I am not drifting through life: I am sternly, firmly, passionately doing exactly what I want

I am not drifting through life: I am sternly, firmly, passionately doing exactly what I want.
I want Stellar because that's the sexiest thing of all. We are in February already! Spring will be here soon. The most intense thing in my life has always been the illicit thrill of Soho, because real relationships are not possible for me. As well as the regular visits to Stellar, there will also be the occasional return visits to Marx. This fuels my writing stories. The days I went to Stellar or New mark the vibrant high points in my life: the September 19th New visit for Buttman Inferno, Dance to the Music of Time, the September 28th Stellar visit for blonde girl porn film, followed by ENO/Under the Volcano Friday, yellow smokish Berlin 1890s Tuesday, pink lace HC Wednesday, Egon Schiele Monday night.
I am Francis Bacon, shame and self-disgust, but vitality! energy! fuel! life! Life is in the gutter of Soho, that is where the find the combustible rocket gas for my fuel, the raw material for my missions.
I think she should have helped me come to terms with who I am, not made me ashamed for being who I am. I get that off of everybody else. You help people accept something that they don’t like about themselves, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa saying quick, this is an emergency, I really need you now, and Sarah came up and says all right then, and gives it that last shove to send it crashing to the ground; I want some temporary support to right myself a bit. Prop me up once and for all, so I’d be safe forever. The tower is one of the wonders of the world; so am I.
I don't want you to send me crashing to the ground and build a new one, because the new one would have an interest of 0% when the old precarious one has an interest value of 100%. Make it safe forever so it can be one of the wonders of the world forever; it must still lean, because it wouldn't have any interest if it didn't lean.
What interests me about myself is the dangerous lean in me, so you have to very carefully prop me up so I'm safely leaning forever. The bit of madness in me is what makes my life worth living.
So we ended our 16 weeks still disagreeing about what to do next, but she had saved the tower for the time being, and subsequently I was able to put some permanent solutions into place, but then I needed some help with them, that's what ----- is. Just to finish the job of making the repair permanent, and make the tower lean safely forever.
I haven't been able to do anything all these years because of fears about the tower collapsing, I never felt safe. Now that I have come to some permanent solutions, I need support in implementing them; I want to become more productive and function better. I'm starting to feel safer now, the lean is fixed steadily in its place I want it to be. ----- is part of the permanent solution. To keep me feeling safe, to enable me to write.