Thursday, 31 March 2016

"Ain't nobody, loves me better"

"Ain't nobody, loves me better": lovely in summer to go and see dancing girls in the Dix club, coming out in the sticky heat: it is part of London bohemian life like any other, same as Foyles bookshop, ENO, Chandos, Chelsea, everything. Coco Jambu. So summer today, all lawnmowers out. Last night Berlin & Berliners was on BBC 2 Open University, this day last year was purple Sam Jessop picture, "The Serpent's Egg". A Question of Identity: Berlin & Berliners.
------- is a nest of vipers and I'm the biggest viper of them all, taste the sweet poison in my two fangs;  because I'm the most intelligent, I'm ingenious.


Wednesday, 30 March 2016

I'm warm and safe and content, and Summer is coming!

I'm warm and safe and content, and Summer is coming! ------- is a nest of vipers, but I'm the biggest and most viperous of them all. I look back on the Raven period, that hot hot slow summer, with such fondness and excitement and nostalgia, don't I? I want Raven again, I want Marx hotel again, like that first September in black spits of rain and wind--"My name is Tallulah".


Tuesday, 29 March 2016

It is stuffy and steamy, a bit misty; the delicate young green trees are stuck there in the murk and stickiness, not able to move

It is stuffy and steamy, a bit misty; the delicate young green trees are stuck there in the murk and stickiness, not able to move. This is Stockholm weather. The clocks have gone forward, and sticky stuffy Spring has arrived. I want to listen to the Pixies Doolittle again. Chelsea is a transcendental thing which enables me to step through into other states, and think about things in a new way (like the ENO, and cinema). Like Orphee stepping through the watery mirror into the underworld. It is a lens.
Louise B----- was an important character wasn't she? Sheryl Crow "it's so deadly my dear, the power of wanting you near." China, rickshaws.
I travelled to Stamford Bridge for the Vicenza second leg, sick with desire. Never has victory meant so much to me.
I want money so I can spend a week in places like Stockholm. Just write and write and write, and something good will come out of it. Like a Godard short film idea, set in Stockholm but that is irrelevant. Better to work and travel, rather than just sitting here trying to make your money last as long as possible isn't it? I'm a silent autistic person, it doesn't matter what foreign city I'm in. I don't talk anyway. I feel so excited about going to Stockholm as I did about going to Boston back in 1990. Because I think when I get there I will write there!


Monday, 28 March 2016

The frustration of my life is I can't write

The frustration of my life is I can't write. As I can't talk I can't write; it seems to seize up more and more as I get older. You seem to feel threatened by science, and I don't see why you should. If I've got the money I will always go to Chelsea. If it takes me down to my last £1 I will spend it.
"Genius lies in being wholly receptive". The European Cup Winners Cup Final is in Stockholm: home of Gunilla Gerland!
I must have money to go to Stockholm, and I must have money to buy a season ticket every year: but I can't save money at J.C. because I spend £45 a week anyway. I MUST work again. I really want it now. I hope you do something. Hometown also of Greta Garbo. I want to work to earn money to go to Stockholm, and go to other places. Going on journeys to all these European cities will also get me out of ------. It was my desire to go to Boston that made me get the job in London so now perhaps my desire for Stockholm will make me do the responsible thing.
Darwin's Origin of Species: my A Life of Sin, origin of the autistic species: my visit to Stockholm will be a vital field trip. "Everything in my surroundings is grist to my enduring mill. I am an experimenter." I want to write an Interpretation of Dreams, an Origin of Species, a General Theory of Relativity; a Working of Economic Theory: my subject of interest and study being the visceral pleasure in detachment of an autistic person. Moving towards the Grand Unified Theory, the Theory of Everything: last month I've taken a big leap forward. "How the human brain works. Subjective consciousness. The human mind." I DESIRE THEREFORE I EXIST.
"A stunning alliance between the Sun in Aries and Pluto in your sign is an indicator that you're not just surviving recent changes, but beginning to revel in a whole new life. Life is a process of continual development and stagnation is death."
"A wonderful, delectable period opens up for you now. It's the most creative period of your whole year. The birth of something from a child to an idea will alter your life in the most delightful way. It's out with the dismal old and in with the dazzling new."
"You are at a crossroads and realising that a super-human is required to sort things out. You do possess the necessary courage and wit to work through and after the initial hard work is over you'll be able to enjoy some kind of new lifestyle."
"You have talents and skills which you have underused or have been underestimated. During April, do some brainstorming with those you care for most. Try to come up with new ways you can better your world by utilising your abilities far more."

Sunday, 27 March 2016

The fact is my science IS at Chelsea. It is a vital place I can study my visceral pleasure in detachment

The fact is my science IS at Chelsea. It is a vital place I can study my visceral pleasure in detachment. It is my life's subject. It is my green laboratory. I am a photographic plate. That is who I am. Keep trying to force me to talk to people is to ignore who I am, and I think that is rude, that is why we always seem to be talking at cross-purposes. I am weird, so that makes life hard, so help me find a way to make a niche for myself despite this problem. I was very surprised to hear you say acceptance is an important job therapy can do. I'd not felt that to be the case for me. You were stripping me of my arms and legs and angel wings and trying to squeeze me into a little box. It is the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
"Potent planetary influences indicate that what has gone before is of little consequence compared with what lies ahead. And it is Pluto's presence especially that makes you see the true potential of your gifts. Don't worry about what must be forfeited--your strength lies in what remains."
"After recent ups and downs it may seem unfair that you are facing another battle. This time, however, the advantages are all yours and the fact that you are fighting on home ground guarantees success. A decisive aspect between Pluto and Jupiter empowers you to assume your rightful place."

Thursday, 24 March 2016

I was Lorca, I was levity What an ugly world they live in! It is in disasters that genius is formed.

I am Philip Larkin

I am Philip Larkin, I need to be in the Stellar cinema, I need to be on my own. I am a good and beautiful person, and if they can't see that then that's their problem. Better to feel I am good and beautiful then I can calmly deal with things; better than making me feel I am bad and must always keep pretending to be something I'm not. I'm only allowed to feel good about myself if I change to be like them? If they want to be ugly that's up to them; I choose to remain beautiful.

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

I live in a delightful beautiful world of hothouse flowers

I live in a delightful, beautiful world of hothouse flowers, and Charing Cross bohemia. My life is beautiful in every second. I am Aubrey Beardsley. I am Philip Larkin. As long as I've got some money in my bank account, life is enjoyable.

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

I'll do anything for my book

I'll do anything for my book. I'm an individual: I do exactly what I want. There are no consequences, because I am dominant, because I have my big fat penis between my legs; and crossing the Strand, by Oscar Wilde's statue, in the Chandos pub, crossing Leicester Square, in the Strand restaurant, turning down Villiers Street. “Do not compare yourself with someone else: ‘Let each one prove what his own worth is, and then he will have cause for exaltation in regard to himself alone, and not in comparison with the other person.’ Yes, God does not make unfavourable comparison, demanding more than our individual circumstances allow. He accepts our gifts and sacrifices ‘according to what he have, not according to what we do not have.'” I am proving my worth by being a recorder from the edge, a recorder of an autistic bohemia. 
Lead a smutty, vital life, like Hogarth, Orton, Wilde, Larkin. Egon Schiele went to the sex dancing girls for inspiration for his paintings. Manet had nude models for his paintings. I as a writer need them too.

Monday, 21 March 2016

Push yourself to the edges of human experience, to hang there on the edge of the singularity in a moth's web

Push yourself to the edges of human experience, to hang there on the edge of the singularity in a moth's web, to record it, before you have to snap back. I am a recorder, an observer, I sit on the edge in semi-detachment and absorb: like a photographic plate recording the pyramids with Adam Hart Jones. This is important moment: this line I've just written.

“But when Wilde put aside the tragic role which he played with such zest, and gave rein to his intelligence, he realised that he had not altered in the least"

“But when Wilde put aside the tragic role which he played with such zest, and gave rein to his intelligence, he realised that he had not altered in the least, and that if anything prison had intensified his individuality: ‘At every single moment of one’s life one is what one is going to be no less than what one has been.’ ‘To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development.’ ‘I don’t regret for a single moment having lived for pleasure. I did it to the full, as one should do everything that one does.’ ‘I am far more of an individualist than ever I was. Nothing seems to me of the smallest value except what one gets out of oneself. My nature is seeking a fresh mode of self-realisation.’
'My ruin came not from too great individualism of life, but from too little. The one disgraceful, unpardonable, and to all time contemptible action of my life, was to allow myself to appeal to society for help and protection.' As in the past, so for the future, he admitted no external sanction or command.
After all, as Macaulay wrote of Byron, 'it is not every day that the savage envy of aspiring dunces is gratified by the agonies of such a spirit', and for the rest of his life Wilde was exposed to what Charles Ricketts described as 'the bitterness of those who cannot forgive their victim the wrong they have done.' This bitterness, this savage envy, broke out on many occasions.
Wilde kept his word and remained homosexual in his habits for the rest of his life.”
constance

“They damned Wilde with such vigour and thoroughness that on this evidence alone they must be considered the most vicious age in history"

“They damned Wilde with such vigour and thoroughness that, on this evidence alone, they must be considered the most vicious age in history. By the fury of their condemnation they stand condemned….’The obloquy which Byron had to endure was such as might well have shaken a more constant mind. The newspapers were filled with lampoons. The theatres shook with execrations. He was excluded from circles where he had lately been the observed of all observers. All those creeping things that riot in the decay of nobler natures hastened to their repast; and they were right; they did after their kind. It is not every day that the savage envy of aspiring dunces is gratified by the agonies of such a spirit, and the degradation of such a name.’ The treatment of Byron, however, was Christian compared with that accorded to Wilde, who suffered from living in a more putrid period.”

“The question why he ever embarked on such a course, and why he maintained it after recognising the danger, has troubled many people"

“The question why he ever embarked on such a course, and why he maintained it after recognising the danger, has troubled many people, and no satisfying answer has yet been given. The explanation is to be found in his nature. We have already seen how from his earliest days he had dramatised himself and his career; his histrionic capacity being a part of that emotional life which never reached maturity. Gradually the performance had become so much a part of his being that he was convinced of its reality, seeing himself at first as symbolic figure climbing slowly to the heights of success, and at last, when he had tasted the fruits of victory, as a symbolic figure plunging suddenly to the depths of failure.”


“It broods over key questions arising: why did the playwright face the dangerous music of a trial for homosexual offences instead of fleeing abroad?"

“It broods over key questions arising: why did the playwright face the dangerous music of a trial for homosexual offences instead of fleeing abroad? Why did he return to Alfred Douglas, the lover he tried to give up—like alcohol—but from whom he continued to drink deep until that Judas Kiss. Love is the predictable answer. A complex brand of betrayal, its mechanics and cruelties, forms the play’s dramatic core and Hare’s interest: It is Douglas, Wilde’s awful and unwisely adored Bosie, who does the betraying. Love causes Oscar to cling to Lord Alfred as if he were an elixir rather than, as in Hare’s portrayal, the human incarnation of a sexually transmitted disease. But there’s a reiterative monotony about Hollande’s Lord Alfred, both here and during the final act on the Italian coast where the now exiled, long-suffering Wilde watches Bosie packing his bags to leave and dumping his conscience and love. Hare makes Bosie simply malign and Hollande relishes making his character a master of lordly snivels and sneers. Liam Neeson’s Wilde, though, comes as a riveting surprise. Scorning the old style of Wildean affectations and camp, he whirls on stage, long hair trailing, manly sweat soon streaming down his face. This is Wilde the emotional bulky hulk, rather than the plump commanding intellect, with wit his weapon of choice. Pallid and hair parted, he does not later look the victim of two years ruinous hard labour and emotional breakdown. But how wrenchingly he conveys Hare’s sense of a Wilde wrecked by love and society.”


Sunday, 20 March 2016

Be as strange as you want to be: and that's all right

Be as strange as you want to be: and that's all right.
"Hare pinpoints two pivotal moments in the Wilde tragedy. The first is at the Cadogan Hotel in 1895 when Wilde, after the collapse of the action against Lord Queensberry, rejects the option of flight to await inevitable arrest. The second is at Naples in 1897 when Wilde, after his release from jail, fatally resumes his relationship with Bosie, ensuring both ostracism and penury. The key question in both cases is what prompted an act of self-destruction. Hare's answer is not that different from Ellmann's in his classic biography: that Wilde was both the spectator of his own tragedy and determined not to yield to the pressures of a hypocritical society. But, in the infinitely more fascinating second half, Hare implies that Wilde, while seeing through Bosie's potential for betrayal, was hypnotised both by the illusory nature of life and the prospect of martyrdom. It is a pervasive reading and shows Hare, like all writers, creating his own Wilde; a romantic individualist consciously turning his life into a work of art."

Thursday, 17 March 2016

My life has only started to have meaning since Feb 24th

My life has only started to have meaning since Feb 24th. It's been painful, but it had to be done. "Absurdity is banished when meaning is imposed. We, the tragi-comic, conscious beings must impose meaning on events. Our anguish lies in this: the necessity of choosing. But in the end, then, all is possible." I stay in charge, despite all my temptations.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Life is going to be more fun than ever now

Life is going to be more fun than ever now. I feel more safe, warm and relaxed than ever. We have no free will, it was not my fault at all.

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

I take whatever I need to feed on; I am the vampire

I take whatever I need to feed on; I am the vampire.
"Einstein was happiest when alone, but he was not, like Schopenhauer, a pessimistic, mother-hating misanthrope who claimed that his only friend was his pet poodle."
T.S.Eliot was rescued from his bank job by Ezra Pound and others. Karl Marx was saved from work by Friedrich Engels. F.G.Lorca was saved from work by his parents. Van Gogh was saved from work by his brother Theo. Who will save me? I am a creative sociopath.
"He found one Schopenhauer aphorism especially comforting: 'Man can do what he will, but he cannot will what he wills.' To Einstein this meant that free will in the philosophical sense was a myth, and 'mercifully mitigates the sense of responsibility which so easily becomes paralysing, and it prevents us from taking ourselves and other people too seriously.'"
I've achieved something good already: I've actually finished The Misadventures of Sgt Trotsky!
"The fear of folly. To see folly in every emotion that strives straight ahead and makes one forget everything else. What, then, is non-folly? Non-folly is to stand like a beggar before the threshold, to one side of the entrance, to rot and collapse."

I thrive on opposition. It is the electricity I need to turn things on

I thrive on opposition. It is the electricity I need to turn things on, get the machinery moving, the retorts & flasks & burners, and dynamos, to power the stories. Let myself go in Soho again, back to normal.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

I am rampant. I love it. They play into my hands

I am rampant. I love it. They play into my hands. I'm unconventional, I'm an artist. I luxuriate in my eccentricity.

Friday, 11 March 2016

I am Oscar Wilde

I am Oscar Wilde. Dandy, laughed at, reviled, but triumphant, forever above them all. It is no insult to be laughed at by the stupid people. They are just seethingly jealous of your intelligence, your beauty, and the amount of delicious dirty sex you are enjoying.
"Decadence and disintegration, still fails to set up the nightmarish intensity of Hoffmann's world."
I want their desperate laughter, and you do see them getting ever more desperate; I crave it; it is the morphine I need to inject. Be rampant, smiling, provoking. Their terror is that the more they laugh the more I go on indulging my delicious, voluptuous pleasures. The more I flaunt it in their desperate, seething faces. Carry on.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

I feel safe and warm and relaxed

I feel safe and warm and relaxed, and the king of -------- again. I am Oscar Wilde. Occasionally my fantasy world and the real world collide, and it is always messy, and I am relieved to disengage. I am nothing if I have to be in the real world. Life is a mad, Quixotic, adventure of fun and spontaneity. Live life to the full, don't restrict yourself, ever.
I am back in my bubble now, I am king again.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

The story is all there is

The story is all there is. She was the Sara Cox Vladivar vodka girl in 1890s Berlin. I know I'm beautiful. It is all going to plan.
I stay very pure. I'm going to follow my own path, and not be deflected.
I'm warm and safe and life is good.
"Duchamp's nonchalance emerges as the key to his enigmatic, recessive character. His behaviour had a psychopathic chilliness. His artistic resignation was compensated by a series of emotional refusals, cruel denials of intimacy."

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Vindicated!

Vindicated! He never complained, but he was just always there. It was helpful to think "it's all going to plan". I thrive on this challenge. They don't know how they're playing into my hands. Sherlock Holmes, 'The Seven Per Cent Solution'. They're obsessed about me. They are just silly little unintelligent children, and they will never learn, and never be able to do any better. I am a higher being, like Nietzsche. They take up 0.0001% of my life. I've just worked it out. Make my rich magical warm life in the 99.9999%. I have my inner peace: I like the tests to prove it, and confound them! Let them dash themselves to pieces against me.


Monday, 7 March 2016

I am Sherlock Holmes!

I am Sherlock Holmes! I am powerful, and I do what I want. I needed it to spark my Seven Per Cent Solution story. I live to provoke them: into shaming themselves. We are all characters in a Sherlock Holmes story. Life is beautiful, isn't it. The world is fantastic. Black skies now, and lashing with rain. I am out of their reach forever. I love it. I am sado-masochistically perverse. It was a boil that had to be lanced, like Sherlock Holmes in the Seven Per Cent Solution.
"Make the day count; and once you get to the evening, start thinking a little bit about how to make tomorrow count."

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Julie Etchingham was a good thing in my life, a good period in my life

Julie Etchingham was a good thing in my life, a good period in my life. Last night and this morning is the worst I can ever remember feeling: made me think how ill father must have felt, all those years, it is beyond belief. The contrast between how meek and mild I am, and the hysteria I seem to provoke in other people. They try so hard to bring me down, it becomes their goal in life to bring me down.
Get some little round specs like James Joyce.
I need the regular relief of Stellar and Marx, as much as I need Philip Larkin or Edvard Munch biographies, or film, or Tales of Hoffmann. A bit of everything in moderation. It is the opium I inject. They play into my hands. I'm doing something I really want to do, that is magical for me. Write a story like that. Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes stories. I live inside a Sherlock Holmes story!

Friday, 4 March 2016

Amazing, a letter from Dr S------. That is very kind of him. I'm a solitary person, I always have been, I always will be

Amazing, a letter from Dr S------. That is very kind of him. I'm a solitary person, I always have been, I always will be, I just think it's pointless to pretend otherwise; it is the basic cross-purposes we were always talking at. I live in Kafka and Freud. You must love everyone. Don't let them make you scared. Just love everyone (it really annoys them). I know what I am doing: it is all going to plan. I'm a Scopophiliac, and that is where I belong, like Francis Bacon, the gilded gutter life. I am "happy", aren't I?! October is the time for Marx isn't it? Or should I start going again now? I've got two midweek games coming up and The Tales of Hoffmann, so I will hide out in Marx hotel (and Stellar) for a couple of hours before each of them. Lose myself in the oblivion of the gutter again. Reading those old notes about Bat Girl (Marisa Carnesky), Belly Josephine, and Black Feathers [in those days a curtain just opened and a girl danced, you never had chance to talk to them & get to know their names, thank god. The old days when the curtain squeaked open, the girl danced to two songs, the curtain closed, that was fucking bliss. How sweet it was to be alive in strip clubs back then; long gone] was very exciting. Remembering the effect big tit black lace girl had on me, and big tit blonde red wig who turned me on so much I came in my pants in the back row: go with no expectation and it is good. I want Boulevard, Stellar, and Marx. I must have release now. I am a Scophophiliac, Soho is my natural environment, before coming home to write my stories. I love the rampancy of Soho! Never let emotions in, stick to sex, more than ever. Tomorrow is first anniversary of gold dress Emma black eyes room!
I am an erotomane!


Thursday, 3 March 2016

"Munch was a misogynist. He believed men were helpless before the power of sex"

"Munch was a misogynist. He believed men were helpless before the power of sex. And women drained men's creative energies. But he also got himself into very complicated difficult situations with women who didn't want him. This was part of Munch that took pleasure in pain. A kind of schadenfreude."

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Titanic was okay

Titanic was okay, moving at the end, thinking of father; came out into Leicester Square wet and raining gently, small knot of people under umbrellas waiting to go in, it was lovely. I felt so messianic and sad and noble, as usual, after I've been to cinema and am going straight back to Charing Cross Station.
It was so nice to be alone in Titanic; I can only ever be alone. It is my natural state. That intensity of feeling coming out afterwards, into a brown rainy Leicester Square, is so exquisite.
Being back up London: I did feel like I owned it: My salvation doesn't lie in group therapy: it lies in aloneness, the pencil writing in my trousers, which smell so strongly of cotton; it lies in coming out of a Leicester Square cinema into the brown spattering rain.
My real priorities: I want my room to stay protected, and I want me to stay protected.


Tuesday, 1 March 2016

The point when you are honest and you come out as a Scopophiliac. The shame of leading the double life

The point when you are honest, and you come out as a Scopophiliac. The shame of leading the double life. At that moment a lot of the repression ends. Give an interview and you have to leave so much out, but it is in what is left out that I really am. The biographies of Francis Bacon roaming Soho for gay S&M adventures, Philip Larkin and his whacko pictures. You must own and possess your own sexual and emotional orientation. It's like I tried sleeping with women but found it physically impossible, I've tried being charming with people but instantly found it emotionally impossible. Stop trying to be something I'm not, just to fit in. It comes back to the point I made to Sarah (rather pertinently I thought) that it's like telling a homosexual to sleep with women, then he'll be all right. Making me go to group, you're still saying if you spend enough time with people you will start to get on with them. Help people accept themselves, don't try and change them into social creatures. There's so much I need to say in order to accept myself, but of course I realise the NHS is not there for my exclusive use. It is this idea of change--I want acceptance. I do however feel very disappointed that the therapy never arrived. I thought it would have been really an important moment. Group seems to be missing the point, a red herring. Not change but teaching people to be who they are to the nth degree, to enjoy themselves instead of shamefully repressing themselves. I wish I could come back, because there is so much I need to say, need to purge, not in order to change perhaps but more to accept (but I don't know) but you seem out of sympathy with me. My experience is too extreme to be talked about in group of "normal" people. It is sad I'm still expected to have to fit in with normal people. You won't appreciate my differentness and how hard that makes things for me. You're still missing the point, but you still think I'm the one who's missing the point.
I've got a rich and troubled psychology (like Wedekind), you want me to pretend I haven't, I don't think anyone else in the group has. I am Wedekind, Egon Schiele. I want to explore my weirdness; it won't go away. I am Aubrey Beardsley.