Tuesday, 1 March 2016

The point when you are honest and you come out as a Scopophiliac. The shame of leading the double life

The point when you are honest, and you come out as a Scopophiliac. The shame of leading the double life. At that moment a lot of the repression ends. Give an interview and you have to leave so much out, but it is in what is left out that I really am. The biographies of Francis Bacon roaming Soho for gay S&M adventures, Philip Larkin and his whacko pictures. You must own and possess your own sexual and emotional orientation. It's like I tried sleeping with women but found it physically impossible, I've tried being charming with people but instantly found it emotionally impossible. Stop trying to be something I'm not, just to fit in. It comes back to the point I made to Sarah (rather pertinently I thought) that it's like telling a homosexual to sleep with women, then he'll be all right. Making me go to group, you're still saying if you spend enough time with people you will start to get on with them. Help people accept themselves, don't try and change them into social creatures. There's so much I need to say in order to accept myself, but of course I realise the NHS is not there for my exclusive use. It is this idea of change--I want acceptance. I do however feel very disappointed that the therapy never arrived. I thought it would have been really an important moment. Group seems to be missing the point, a red herring. Not change but teaching people to be who they are to the nth degree, to enjoy themselves instead of shamefully repressing themselves. I wish I could come back, because there is so much I need to say, need to purge, not in order to change perhaps but more to accept (but I don't know) but you seem out of sympathy with me. My experience is too extreme to be talked about in group of "normal" people. It is sad I'm still expected to have to fit in with normal people. You won't appreciate my differentness and how hard that makes things for me. You're still missing the point, but you still think I'm the one who's missing the point.
I've got a rich and troubled psychology (like Wedekind), you want me to pretend I haven't, I don't think anyone else in the group has. I am Wedekind, Egon Schiele. I want to explore my weirdness; it won't go away. I am Aubrey Beardsley.

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