Saturday, 30 April 2016

There's nothing to do, -----; just type up what's there! It tells the story itself the way it is (Walpurgis Night)

There's nothing to do, -----; just type up what's there! It tells the story itself, the way it is. I'm the mad, feverish creator, like Beethoven, Frankenstein. I'm Dr Hoffmann with his infernal desire machine. I am Karl Kraus, CHOOSING to be against everyone in Vienna. The more forward momentum you have, the less sideways falling there is; keep up a good speed. I haven't been able to because I've been so muddled, and mired. Sarah helped, but didn't finish the job.
I live for the sublime, which threatens the slime.
Quite clearly, she wasn't carrying me with her in her argument; but instead of recognising this and backing off, she became more and more stern and insistent. I wanted to be opened up, after -- years that requires a lot of archaeology; but she wanted to carry out this opening and bring it to closure all in 16 weeks, she wanted it opened and stitched up again in 16 weeks, which is a completely artificial timeframe. Fair enough you’ve only got 16 weeks to give me, but you can’t expect to carry out an effective opening and closure in 16 weeks, and to try to do so is just going to make things worse and cause more damage; there wouldn’t have been a 16 week limit on opening and closing King Tutankhamun’s tomb. To do the job properly you need as long as you need. Better to open up one small bit and analyse it instead, at least you’ve done some good then. This sense that he was being rushed and railroaded, made him tense and pressured. After -- years, I’ve just got 16 weeks. She’s not fully grasped the nature of the beast, and doesn’t want to, because the beast cannot be contained in 16 weeks. You get into the story and then find the author is tying up all the loose ends and bringing it to a close, before even developing the story beyond its opening paragraphs.

Thursday, 28 April 2016

Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep; that is why I go to New

Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep; that is why I go to Soho Cinema. Julia Ormond at the BAFTAs.
---- has just brought me eight opera tapes, including Tosca and Carmen; how extraordinary.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

It is a sign of my brilliance. I do what I want

It is a sign of my brilliance. I do what I want. I am Sexton Blake, always scheming. The stupid people are paying me a compliment; I am Karl Kraus. This is who I CHOOSE to be. I'm DESPERATE for their opposition. My insouciance infuriates them. I am invincible to them. Stand tall & prominent, the taller and more prominently I stand the better I feel.
It is all going according to plan; they are playing into my hands.
I may be funny to them, but I do things differently, that is my glory, and I choose to continue that way, rampantly, deliberately, PROVOKINGLY. Do everything you can do to sensationally provoke them. Provoke them so I can infuriate them again.

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

I am Sexton Blake, I need them to write about. I am Dracula, I need to suck their blood

I am Sexton Blake, I need them to write about. I am Dracula, I need to suck their blood.
The more the stupid people work themselves up into a spiteful hysteria, the more I enjoy serenely, deliciously defeating them. I love it all, I laugh at them all, it is all part of the Game, they don't understand. The theatricality of my life, life is a fiction we are living in every day, every day is another page of the story, I need them as characters, I need them to provide me with the electricity I need to create, and write.
The two days at Sunset Strip and Soho Cinema were such great, necessary relief, after that terrible long pressure I'd been through. Now I'm relaxed and perhaps can enjoy exploring myself seriously now. "I'm doing it, I'm doing it." Leopardskin bra, what an incredible pitch of feeling.
They will slaughter me, if they haven't done so already; and don't I enjoy that!

Sunday, 24 April 2016

I was embarrassed by it before

I was embarrassed by it before, because it showed I needed a substitute for real relationships. But now it is no substitute, it is quite openly WHO I REALLY AM!
I feel I own the streets again now: they've become Sexton Blake, Sherlock Holmes again: they've been refantasised, after a customarily repulsive brush with reality.
How all previous disasters become rich and lush in a very short time.
Their constant buffeting serves only to turn the rough uncut diamond buried in mud & rock into a very beautiful (and huge) polished stone. They get their satisfaction out of ugliness and poison; I get my satisfaction from beauty and creativity.

Saturday, 23 April 2016

I am always triumphant over them because I am beautiful and intelligent

I am always triumphant over them, because I am beautiful, and intelligent, I am tall, like Dracula. I am going to enjoy this summer. They are losing the battle more & more every day.
They can't stand the way I'm still so gleefully happy and serene about the world.
I love Soho Cinema completely now, it is my favourite place in London.Its smallness seems in its favour now, more erotic,
We have now entered a new yellow period in my life; perhaps the most intense ever, with Soho Cinema becoming more of a centre than anything before. I spend my money in Soho Cinema, and at the pictures.
I am making great strides; I hope to be able to put pen to paper one of these days.

Friday, 22 April 2016

I'm addicted to yellow like E.A.Poe was addicted to opium

I'm addicted to yellow, like E.A.Poe was addicted to opium. Chinese rickshaws, Soho Cinema is my opium den.
"She suggests that Freud's theories such as the Oedipus Complex (which maintains that all infant children have instinctive sexual fantasies about their parents) were shaped by his addiction to cocaine. The question of addiction is highly controversial, but at an early stage Freud was certainly a self confessed user and in 1885 he wrote an academic paper on cocaine which he referred to as 'a song of praise for this magical substance.'"
"Whether or not psychoanalysis has any scientific basis, Freud certainly saw it as the world's third intellectual revolution: Copernicus showed us that man was not the centre of the universe, Darwin that man was not a unique creation, and Freud that man, being at the mercy of dark unconscious forces, was not the master of his own mind."

Thursday, 21 April 2016

Yellow is important part of my psyche: it must be cultivated like any other

Yellow is important part of my psyche: it must be cultivated like any other. Everyone needs to get highs: different people get them in different ways; their fix.
Black-haired Mary Plazas in La Boheme. Voluptuous big tits Elizabeth Woollett as Musetta. It was so much better with the glasses! Soho Cinema must become my Cafe Momus: I'm afraid it was very good, Kelly 18, Redeem advert, Topless Brain Surgeons, then the film of the Boulevard girls, then Raunch IV. I want to return Thursday; the best thing is just standing up at the side, but I must be drunk first. I didn't want to leave, except to go straight to room. I was very high. I decided in Deconstructing Harry I definitely WOULD go to Stockholm, for the vicarious thrill, by coach because I like long journeys where I can see my surroundings passing me; but in Soho Cinema I decided no, all my money must go in Soho Cinema and Sunset Strip.

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Visual image is everything! I've got the greatest excitement in the world, my brain

Visual image is everything! I've got the greatest excitement in the world, my brain. I'm a dignified noble person, and look at them.
It is like trying to get Dracula to stop sucking blood: he doesn't choose to be like that, he hated himself for being like that, but he is cursed with it. You should stop trying to get him to stop sucking blood, and admit that is not the best form of help you can offer him. Help him cope with his cursed life as it is. He is as much a victim of his personal drives as his victims are.
The borderline is something very dear to my heart and very moving and important: but you would smile like I'd said something embarrassing and just ignore it. This is what I mean when I say you could give even more help than you do: listen to me, and try to understand what my psychology is like. It is not normal. It is on that borderline. But you don't want to come to that place with me, so you limit the help you can give me. You just smiled silently and waited for me to come out of my place into your place, but I don't think that is possible. Perhaps you see that too now?
I am unconventional! That is my glory. I am the wild one, on fire, destructive. Volatile and spontaneous. That is my genius. Revel in the sexual desire people have for me.
I've got my secret hideaways which will always defeat them, and allow me to perpetuate; like Dracula.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

I’m too interested in the archaeology of my own brain, being a 1930s Indiana Jones of the mind

I’m too interested in the archaeology of my own brain, being a 1930s Indiana Jones of the mind. I’m too thrilled by the infinity of self-analysis opening up in front of me; I felt the group was wasting my time so much it made me want to scream; like sitting at my desk in work makes me want to scream: this is taking me in completely the opposite direction from the one in which I need to go.

Monday, 18 April 2016

No compromises

No compromises, I'm Van Gogh, and I WILL go to Stockholm.
I've just got the season ticket dilemma out of the way, and now I've got the Stockholm Dilemma. To be there would be such a transcendental, viscerally detached pleasurable experience. The result doesn't matter so much, as being in the city of Gunilla Gerland, and in evening rounding it off in the stadium with the final.

Sunday, 17 April 2016

I defeat them by refusing to BE embarrassed

I defeat them by refusing to BE embarrassed. Be wild man, on fire, in my writing.
Their grass isn't greener. Carnival Strip closed last April, and now the Astral Cinema has closed! It meant I had to go to Sunset Strip.
Chelsea 3, Vicenza 1. We ARE going to Stockholm.
Sunset was packed when I went in, like it's not been since black bob's day; blonde bob Sophie Dahl (lookalike) is definitely the new star performer. Listen to Sneaker Pimps, Placebo. Read Fu Manchu. Return to the Chinese rickshaws. It is 1890, reading the Yellow Book, Aubrey Beardsley. He was polymorphously perverse, blackly erotic sex-obsssesed, and me too.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Sarah Douglas in The People That Time Forgot, she's not got a bra on

Sarah Douglas in The People That Time Forgot, she's not got a bra on, in that tight straight white shirt, and tight breeches. THAT is why I go to Astral Cinema and Sunset Strip, and will continue to do so as much as I want: I want something else to defy them about. It is my way of showing my invincibility.
I got all I needed. Yellow is pleasurable so I will do it. To show my rejection of their values, with a serene smile.

Friday, 15 April 2016

I've never got any pleasure from being with other people, always such huge deep pleasure from being alone

I've never got any pleasure from being with other people, always such huge deep pleasure from being alone: doesn't this tell you something? Feel sorry for them that they've really got such a low opinion of themselves, sorry they really feel that bad about themselves. Abuse comes out of self-hatred.
They punish me for being brave enough to follow my own path, into deep frightening jungle. They fear discovery too much otherwise they'd do it. We are the brave ones, the fearless adventurers.
It is scientific eroticism, like Richard Feynman, knowing the science behind a rose makes it more beautiful, increases its sensations. Astral Cinema and Sunset Strip will be more sensation rich now. That is what Silver was about, that is what Marion is about. You can't destroy it, just gauge the times when it is out of control and under severe restriction. I need a scientific raison d'etre for everyting. A framework to do something because of. No longer just for my book, but now for my science. Of course I want Astral again, but winter is better. I am bursting for it now, that is the way to be! Save Boulevard for when I go to room straight afterwards. Life is about repeated satisfaction of Eros. Work for that. Raven's always there, and don't I know it. 1989-Feb 1998 I was helpless, being carried along a river. Then I got out on the bank. You sweep things under the rug. My inner compulsions. I have very little capacity for friendship. I excite myself so much, everyone else deadens me. Titanic, and 1912 Berlin are connected umbilically. "This morning I had a great desire to compose, first time in quite a while. I have already thought that I might never compose again, but now I can sense that I am moving towards a new form of expression." 1912, the year of Pierrot Lunaire. Go fuck yourself, I intend to.
It is an exhilarating erotic game, that they cannot to begin to comprehend in their mundance, prosaic world. "Stupidity and baseness. Josephine Baker, exciting, rejuvenating!" I live so much in this stimulating other world, it is dangerous, there are equations dancing ahead of me in the mist like fireflies, I lurch exhilarated after them, sometimes it gets me into difficult areas, which cause me some pain, but soon I shake it off, and plunge on again after the siren seductive firefly meretrixes! In my excitement I don't realise the real consequences of my actions in the real world around me amidst real people. I simply forget the other people are there! "Whether one calls oneself conservative or revolutionary, whether one tries to imitate old styles or is destined to express new ideas, it is essential to be convinced of the infallibility of one's own fantasy, and to believe in one's own inspiration. I have battled and struggled, I have travelled a long road, a road beset by thorns; but time is a great conqueror, time will bring understanding to my works. I believe that my music being based on tradition is destined to BECOME tradition." It was right, it was poetically right. I am polymorphously perverse! Johanna van Steege is so beautiful in The Vanishing, and The Immortal Beloved. Today's inspirational upsurge came from Dana Gillespie and Sarah Douglas in People That Time Forgot.
"He's a rebel, he's on fire, he's a destructive crazy man, but you have to have that to become a great actor, as long as you can control that craziness, and not let it destroy you." I love winding them up. This is the position I would choose to be in. You should take HUGE pleasure in saving money now. Give THEM the problem. Are you better than the person you used to be: the only method of judging yourself. Francis Bacon never stopped, the gilded gutter life, so why should I? You should indulge your personal sexuality to the nth degree. The more you do the more desperate they get.
Defeat them with deep love, and generosity. I am testing them! It is water off a duck's back, so let them try their hardest
Dandy Warhols keyboard player in yellow t-shirt, bouncing tits. Placebo 'Nancy Boy'. Important to remember: I love it. I'm operating moves on levels they can't comprehend, never even knew existed.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Stellar and Marx: a pleasant way of passing a couple of hours

Stellar and Marx: a pleasant way of passing a couple of hours.

Anything which serves my writing has to be done

Anything which serves my writing has to be done: I make no apologies. It is my glory. My speciality. I pity them for only having the mundane real world to make do with. I revel in my invincibility, in winding them up.
I love being the centre of attention. Those poor little insects, they can't get near me.
"But he was also at a distance, more determined, for himself, for himself."
"I rise above it, frankly love it, and all because I'm mad about the boy."
The abuse has INCREASED in the last two years: but amused by their stupidity, I take glee from strolling serenely by them, like blood from a loose tooth, it is the sweetest taste. To quote Noel Coward "I rise above it; frankly love it." I take pleasure from being against everyone; I enjoy annoying the stupid people. like Karl Kraus in prewar Vienna, on the lip of the volcano.
"Nothing will convince the bigots, but it will discourage the blackmailers." Hypocritical slime, how it annoys them that everything they do plays into my hands.
"Freud, then, long remained hospitable to the pleasures of the senses. He expressed some sympathy for Horace's dictum carpe diem--'seize the day'--a philosophical defence of grasping the pleasure of the moment that appeals to 'the uncertainty of life and the unfruitfulness of virtuous renunciation.' After all, he confessed, 'each of us has had hours and times in which he admitted that this philosophy of life is right,' At such moments, we are apt to criticise the pitiless severity of moral teachings: 'They only understand how to make demands without offering compensations.' Stern moralist though he was, Freud did not deny pleasure its innings."
"In a delightful little essay on transience, written, it is important to observe, during the senseless carnage that was the First World War, Freud argued that while all beauty 'is doomed to decay', this truth entails neither some mystical immortality nor mournful gloom: 'If there is a flower that blooms only for one single night, its bloom does not appear to us on that account any less splendid,' What matters is the emotion that beauty and perfection arouse at the very moment they do so."
The flower of pleasure that bloomed in Stellar for one night only.

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

The central question

The central question: will I indulge my yellow fever or not.
It's the same as with anything: if you just dip into porn it won't be any good; you must totally give yourself up to it, immerse yourself in it, wrap its blanket around you. Whatever you do, do it to the nth degree. I haven't got the energy, time, money or inclination to immerse myself in it anymore; but still I can't resist dipping into it, tormentedly, and getting nothing out of such tortured half-heartedness.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

My refusal to be cowed, my refusal to apologise, my refusal to be embarrassed

My refusal to be cowed, my refusal to apologise, my refusal to be embarrassed: BRAZENNESS! As long as I’m doing what I want to do, I’m happy, and regret nothing. IT WAS RESEARCH! You’ve got to be a brazen hussy, show you enjoy what you do. Then they can’t touch you. If you’re embarrassed, then they will kill you forever, because they’ve found the thing that makes you hide your head. You must show you really enjoy what you do, and will do so again, torment them with the pleasure you are getting and they are not! Their laughter is really to hide their envy and hatred because you’re getting such a kick and an adrenalin rush which is denied to them, because of their caution. Smile apologetically, sorry, it was research! Sorry old chap! And totally defeat them, taken the stick out of their hands and reused it for yourself, to continue to beat them with. It is all a sign of your superiority, that you are a human being, put here by God, to be yourself to the nth degree, with triumphant glee. It is the stupid parasites marched up to the castle, then try to burn it down, because I am a genius! I am creating life itself! If you refuse to apologise, refuse to be embarrassed, no one can touch you, they do their worst and see that it hasn’t even scratched you, you are still smiling serenely, happily, and you let them dash themselves to pieces against you. I really think I could advise Hugh Grant and George Michael. The second they hide, they defeat themselves. You must be brazen from the first second: face your enemy, embrace your enemy with smiles and love, how lovely to see you here, what are you doing here, come in and have a cup of tea, and defeat them forever. A self-enclosed world, it may be all bollocks, but it’s completely consistent bollocks, there is not a chink of light in it. Within the closed system, its logic is infallible. So this could be a very difficult task for you: but you agreed to take it on, and I think you should make more effort. I’ve had a very strange life, but I feel you’re trying to wipe it off and consign it to the dustbin like it had no value, and it had no valuable things in it. Like East Germany after reunification. I really don’t think that I ever did get over the Baby Wasteland. I want to reclaim my history, my wounds, and turn it into a science.
I am the king of -------. I have the power to grant or withhold my interest.
Dracula, cornered in Piccadilly, turns on his pursuers and snarls “Revenge will be mine. Time is on my side.” Van Gogh didn’t die or fail because he held onto this beliefs till the end, Karl Marx didn’t die because he held on to his beliefs till the end. Who remembers the names of those who threw abuse at Van Gogh? I am a vampire. I sit in corners and suck whatever I can get out of people that is useful to me, and for that I am hated and reviled!; so be it: they can never defeat me.

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Always go into the middle of the enemy

Always go into the middle of the enemy, always walk towards the thing you fear; by the very act of walking TOWARDS it you feel thrilled by your courage and daring; embrace your insecurities tightly, with love! Demonstrating your moral courage, and their moral cowardice. I LIKE to be against everyone in ------- (in Vienna)! It's the position I would choose to be in. You force them to shame themselves, you force them to pile more and more up on their slate.
Karl Kraus: 'The Apocalyptic Satirist'.
I love winding people up. Standing in the Ringstraße under the completely black skies, yellow shops all lit up, people staring out with trepidation, I suddenly thought isn't life wonderful, the joys of spontaneity & madness & doing brilliant crazy things! You just gloss over my problems, because they might make things complicated for you, but I still have to live with them.
They are so STUPID. I am wild and spontaneous, like a firefly.
This is a difficult period, but it is absolutely necessary for me: it is what I need desperately. Defeat them with love.
The secret is brazenness. Make a virtue of it, wear it like a success. The sublime and ridiculous world of Francis Bacon. I want to see some nudity again.

Friday, 8 April 2016

Azure blue sky out there this morning, like the first day of Summer

Azure blue sky out there this morning, like the first day of Summer. The thought that Sarah might have read The English Assassin, because I said it was so important to me. The thought that she might have gone to cinema to see Twelve Monkeys, because I said it was so important to me.
I want to get closer and closer to this pure spirit, and Sarah is saying but that's not real: this is why we always seem to be talking at cross-purposes. The more opposition I have the more chance I have to demonstrate my dominance. For an autistic person the rules, and standards, and goals are all different. This is fascinating; this is the best thing which has ever happened, it is such rich material for my SCIENCE.
I don't know if God plays dice, but I do. "Now let my revenge be swift and brilliant: I will flower and watch you wither in my shade as you would have me wither in your love for him!"
I LIKE to be against everyone, in ------- (in Vienna)! That's the position I would choose to be in.
I'm amused watching these pygmies trying to lay a glove on me. I like Marx and Stellar and Soho because it's sleazy. Be an observer of minute details. I've set the experiment up and now I'm watching it take its course.
This need to hurt me is very ugly, and very strange: you'd think they would want to make themselves look more beautiful in order to hurt me, yet they desperately make themselves look more ugly and reveal themselves to be so bothered by me: they defeat themselves.
Poor things; everything they do plays into my hands!

Thursday, 7 April 2016

I am powerful; who has ever laid a finger on me?

I am powerful; who has ever laid a finger on me? What bad thing has ever happened to me? Life is good, isn't it! Warm and safe and loving.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

I live in fantasies

I live in fantasies; the richness of my fantasies is all that matters. I thrive on opposition. They make themselves more repulsive with every word. I am the biggest viper of the lot. I am the big man, I'm dominant. I do whatever I have to do for my book.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

Wasn't it thrilling down there this morning! Winding everybody up

Wasn't it thrilling down there this morning! Winding everybody up, enjoying myself. Everything is grist to the mill to the scientist. Aren't they the arrogant ones, to think they can laugh at me, sneer at me, when they're the ones setting themselves up to be better? What a thing, to invent a new science. I find the science of psychoanalysis (actually Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to be inadequate in helping with my particular problem: I still hope it can be useful, but that depends on you. I would like to ask what happens if you have a patient sitting in front of you and you DO believe he is autistic or suffering from Aspergers? How would you go about helping him? Would that defeat you, too, and you'd say sorry, there's nothing we can do for you? If that is the answer, that's perfectly all right, we're not owed anything by anybody in this world, and if there is no help on offer, that's fair enough; but I'd be curious to know. I love going down there and winding them all up!
I've lanced another boil, and I feel much better for it again! Use everything to my advantage, so they can't get at it.
How "Ain't Misbehavin" from The Cotton Club reminds of the black-red club, March 1995!
Cut from J.C., and spend 6 months intensively writing now.
Remember the excitement of Stretch & Vern, September 1996, the best song of the year: how it prepared me for the return to Dix!
I came through everything they threw at me! They became smaller and more diminished in the process, and I've become bigger and more beautiful and more supreme, and more dominant. The more in the wrong they become, the more in the right I become! The more dominant I become and the more they weaken their own position.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Force them to embarrass themselves, so I can study it

Force them to embarrass themselves, so I can study it. Dracula, hunted, hounded, "You think you have left me with no place to rest--but I have more. My revenge has only just begun." Always walk towards whatever is frightening you, get as near to it as you can at all times, love it, love the thing you fear.
I carry on: I'm working on a complicated scientific scheme they couldn't begin to comprehend, indeed it is still hard to comprehend even to me! But I sense it is there.
I am a social anthropologist, of my own brain, my own autistic relationships with no-one.
They think I am a glutton for punishment: I am a scientist.
I am consumed by my mission: by my own  brilliance; the importance of my task. They punish me because I'm  beautiful and intelligent, while they are ugly and stupid. Beauty and intelligence is a threatening combination to people like them. Make a virtue out of what is hurting you. The meaningless of my life has become my very area of study, thereby with one twist giving intense meaning to my life!
I need money to fund my continued exploration at the coalface of Stellar, Marx, Boulevard, Chelsea, ENO.

Friday, 1 April 2016

They're not honest

They're not honest: they try to make me feel inferior when it is because THEY feel inferior. A honest man would admit he felt inferior and try to improve himself but they just try to bring me down to try to feel superior: I must, alas, disappoint them! I feel stronger than ever; I have discovered my transcendental powers.