Tuesday, 31 May 2016

Friday, 27 May 2016

I just want to live for yellow now

I just want to live for yellow now, Sunset Strip and Soho Cinema. Make them my life. Remember that huge voluptuous brown-haired 18-year-old student back in -- days, January-May 1996? I'd totally forgotten her.
Purple fingernails was in --. Very black and rainy-looking again today, really cold.
"I like whipping up a bit of controversy."


Thursday, 26 May 2016

Walking around -------, crossing to ------- and coming out, the skies were black and lowering

Walking around -------, crossing to ------- and coming out, the skies were  black and lowering, it was so beautiful; then in ------- the girl was crying out "Oh no it's raining"; that dark light had fallen and it was raining out there; a beautiful slow, heavy, individual drops rain that left each mark on the paving stone and smelt of that beautiful chemical smell. It was most beautiful. A perfect day for being up London, bookshopping, yellow books, pub early, then Soho Cinema early and stay as late as I like, as the rain patters down outside. Remember those June days getting train to Charing Cross and hoping it would be splattering with rain by the time I got there and it was? But I'm at Upton tomorrow, and Sunset Strip Thursday; it is extravagant to go out today as well, except these are the last few days I have left before the real heat starts.
26th May, we're getting right up to the line now.
"Your body is my paradise. My fatal ancestral paradise." Quite bright and sunny now, don't fancy being up London now with all the half-term kids in the sunshine, with nothing to do but New in the sun.
I love my newspaper diary, and my manuscript so much. And my trips to Soho and cinema and ENO. I'm just sort of gently amused by everything; like T.E.Lawrence I am in a different, higher sphere to them. Upton is an adventure, it is a place in my book! Everything is richness for my story--so there is NOTHING to ever fear of worry about! I never do anything unless I can get something out of it for my book. I like extreme emotions; I manufacture them.
Life is wonderful. And every single thing in it.
I like being against everyone, they are playing into my hands;--I'm the Irish genius.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

I DO WHAT I WANT! BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY!

I DO WHAT I WANT! BEHAVE DISGUSTINGLY! This is the fuel I need.


Monday, 23 May 2016

I am collecting characters for my menagerie

I am collecting characters for my menagerie, like Werther de Goethe in Dancers at the End of Time.
"It's all I can do to suck blood. And for that they hound me! Perfidious!"
I am a vampire, and I want MORE.
Those Soho Cinema films were FANTASTIC on Thursday! I will make it my second home now. Things are just getting better and better, and richer and richer: money till October!, writing improving, the option of Upton on Wednesdays, Soho Cinema and Sunset Strip to go to, Manon/Carmen/Dr Ox.
A dark-skied steamy day that is very fresh: perfect day for being in London.
It's nice that people are constantly thinking about me; I am always on their mind.
Thursday evening was magnificent; that is what I shall be doing for the rest of the year (while I'm writing); it made me question whether I need Upton on Wednesdays now. I've lost interest in talking and trying; I just want Soho Cinema and my writing, and enjoying being Dracula in Piccadilly.


Saturday, 21 May 2016

Grey, steamy, drizzly looking day; but warm

Grey, steamy, drizzly looking day; but warm.
Got off the train in the grey, steamy, fresh weather and went to Wild Things which was OK, I suppose. Then Chandos 2 pints (nearly), by this time it was very sunny as I left Wild Things and remained so for rest of day. Got to Soho Cinema for start of Girls Only (the blonde on bed with polaroids I've seen before), then Evil Temptations 1 (Oliva big tits and blonde in blue see through pvc, fantastic), Boulevard advert, then start of Nurses Know Best, then The Caper (gorgeous blonde secretary), then start of Shameless, which looked the best of the lot but I had to leave for ENO. I could spend every day there, my front row end seat was wonderful, no interruption at all. I so much wanted room. Summer's here now, this must wait till September.
Will I return to ------? It feels so empty and pointless.


Friday, 20 May 2016

Running screaming from the catacombs, his face a mask of frozen horror, screaming "the riches! the riches!"

Running screaming from the catacombs, his face a mask of frozen horror, screaming "the riches! the riches!", and disappeared out of the castle and was never seen again.
It's a vampiric world, they suck your blood, you suck their blood.
Being vampiric gives me a reason to look at people, to be with people, to get in amongst them, and suck their blood.

Thursday, 19 May 2016

As long as you're doing what you want, at all times, at every minute

As long as you're doing what you want, at all times, at every minute.
"The water cannon had made her white vest see-through, under her black cardigan, her blonde hair was wet and pulled back in a bun, her face was red and smiling and translucent."
I do what I want, I go wild in ----, I go wild in New and Marx.

Build up my fantasy big enough

Build up my fantasy big enough, and rich enough, pile it up high enough, so nothing else can affect it, I am now sitting too high above them. My Marxworld.
I make no apologies for sucking up what I need for my stories.
They are prey to me like the serving girl wench in The Fearless Vampire Killers. They are defenceless against me.

Monday, 16 May 2016

Other people have insecurities and nerves: but not me

Other people have insecurities and nerves: but not me.
"The Princess or: Machiavelli for Women, shows how the princessa becomes the artist of her anger and desire. The goal is the acquisition of 'micro-power'--the power to act in small, tight, dangerous spaces. To achieve this, the princessa is always ready to increase the level of creative tension in any situation--the degree to which a princessa is co-operative must always be balanced by the degree to which she is disruptive.
What are the tactics she uses to accomplish these goals? She acts passionately but thinks straight. She will always make a task seem larger than possible, because that awakens people's heroic instincts. She never responds directly to taunts or attacks--revenge only strengthens the enemy. She shocks her adversary by adopting his position and weaponry. She is disarmingly honest, for telling people what you think they want to hear lets them know that you are a coward at heart.
Above all, the princessa cherishes the power to end the battle whenever she chooses. But the end of the battle is not peace, for the princessa finds her 'wild peace' in the very heart of the onslaught--just as a candle burns brightest in the dark."


Sunday, 15 May 2016

The heat makes me feel powerful

The heat makes me feel powerful. I really shouldn't go out in summertime though, it just creates temptation and dissatisfaction. There are some films I want to see, and Manon and The Fairy Queen.
Would you rather be like them or like you?
I am riding wave of laughing hysterically brilliant successes.
The Marquis de Sade, my paean to hedonistic individualism and dark self-discovery. I take what I need. I live in my fantasies, servicing them is all that is important to me. I've come through a dark time, into a place that is better than ever before.
Be nobody's darling, be the outcast, delight in it. Revel in it. They are playing into my hands.
She made no effort to understand who I was. "Commenting on Polonius's speech 'To thine own self be true,' Irving argued that a man cannot be true to himself if he does not know himself, if he mistrusts his own identity, if he puts aside his special gifts in order to be an imperfect copy of someone else."
I ride above them on a wave of brilliance, I live in intensity. Alter the world, it needs it, who are you.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016

On the 89 bus back to ------- I was thinking I must humiliate them with my beauty and my intelligence

On the 89 bus back to ------- I was thinking I must humiliate them with my beauty and my intelligence, and my genius, and my power. I'm so powerful I can do what I want. She had her chance, now I've left her behind. Leave them open-mouthed with awe and admiration at my nerve and audaciousness. The heat really arrived today. Three months to go now.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

I'm so detached, because everything is for my book, unbeknownst to them

I'm so detached, because everything is for my book, unbeknownst to them. I'm so big, and powerful, I can do what I want. I'm showing my independence, and freedom from them, my position forever above them and out of their control.
I'm mixing the brew for my book. Don't relate to it at all, be blindly oblivious to it.

Monday, 9 May 2016

I'm messianic

I'm messianic, and if they set me apart, that's precisely what I want.

Sunday, 8 May 2016

That's my life's work: to understand my own brain

That's my life's work: to understand my own brain; and that's important to me. So if the boss thinks that I'm not talking enough at work, that really doesn't concern me too much; I must save myself for my important work. My baby experience meant nothing else is possible for me, you need to try to understand that.
To be myself I need to become more mad; she's trying to force me to conform.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

As long as you are happy, doing what you want, what's the problem?

As long as you are happy, doing what you want, what's the problem?  
"Be nobody's darling. Be an outcast."
You sweep under the carpet everything which is inconvenient, anything which threatens this nice rounded closure in 16 weeks. But I still live beyond that 16 weeks, and all the things which you swept under the carpet are still there for me to continue to fail to understand.
Queen Pen's black cleavage; that's why I go to New.

Friday, 6 May 2016

Life is too big to be bothered by petty details; -------- is the only important thing

Life is too big to be bothered by petty details; -------- is the only important thing.
I am a collector of butterflies.
I took what I needed, now I'm working on it. I want to prove myself against them.
I bother them because I still seem to think I'm right, I'm still totally serene and calm---this disturbs and infuriates them. I pull the rug from under their feet every day by my continued serenity.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Yes I like Shannon Tweed films

Yes, I like Shannon Tweed films, and, yes, I will continue to go to Soho Cinema films (and Sunset Strip). You've got to live your life. You've got to lose yourself in the spell, and be really prepared to blanket yourself in it, and be totally absorbed in it. Put yourself into that trance-like state.