Wednesday, 29 June 2016

It will give me freedom

It will give me freedom. To come back from a mission in Egypt back to the camp and the tent-room of Rima, the expedition photographer. I'm sorry, but I don't lead a conventional life. I am an explorer in the desert, like T.E.Lawrence.
The less she listens to me, the harder it is to go along with her.
I WANT to take all they throw at me; they don't throw enough. I have my passing fancies.

Monday, 27 June 2016

I live on a different level because I MAKE my own level.

I live on a different level, because I MAKE my own level.
I am playing a trick on them. I am working an elaborate scheme on them.

Sunday, 26 June 2016

I am creative and inventive. It is all part of the Game

I am creative, and inventive. It is all part of the Game. The abuse they attempt to heap on me gives me the electricity I need. I go to New, delightedly, rampantly, I revel in it, I exult in defying them and frustrating them again. I need them to fill me up with power, with their electricity, so the monster can LIVE.
I have caught them in my trap.
I do everything for my greater glory; everything is to make me more powerful.
"You will weave your way through life, taking jobs when you have to, always staying one step ahead of your pursuers."
Now I've set myself this challenge: phase 1 is completed, everyone is against me, I've got the starting conditions set up perfectly: now I start to make my achievements using this electricity, this material, in the teeth of this storm. Hold your line, no matter what; despite all the knockers and their bitter hatred and spitefulness; hold to your line, keep your nerve. They only attack so fiercely because they are terrified, because they know you have found the right line, which will elude them forever.


Thursday, 23 June 2016

I love winding them up. So I can demonstrate again how untouchable I am

I love winding them up. So I can demonstrate again how untouchable I am. I take what I need, I love it that they are obsessed by me. I am completely powerful, and ruthless. I am completely shameless. I LOVE every second of my history.  I assert my right to be different--I flaunt it under their noses.

Monday, 20 June 2016

I insist on my right to do what I want. Wedekind. Machiavelli

I insist on my right to do what I want. Wedekind. Machiavelli.
They're like the sounds of the jungle; and I'm safely in my room in the middle of it. Walk slowly, and pleasurably, enjoying the incredible beauty of the world.
Longest day tomorrow. The nights will start to get darker, and earlier.

Sunday, 19 June 2016

I am ruthless

I am ruthless.
I thrive on it.
They can attack all they want, but I am enjoying my life. My vampire life.
"Just the bait I need!"

Saturday, 18 June 2016

You must love every second of your history

You must love every second of your history: whether it's good or bad makes no difference: it is all experience just the same. Good or bad has no meaning, because you are a detached observer only. Bad experiences ARE no spur to me to change, because they are simply another thing to observe and record and make something out of. Nothing really gets you down for long, because the worse it is, the richer the slime it produces. Like the bat cave in NW Guinea or somewhere.
I don't want to be other than what I am, I just want help to be what I am. I think it is fake and bogus to try to bend me to be other than what I am, but being what I am is hard.
A river must follow line of least resistance: trying to change it ruins the whole ecosystem; perhaps at last I am realising that. I need an other to discuss my strange predicament with. Ripped by the pressure to be like other people; it's bad enough to be myself without the pressure of being like other people.
I'm reckless, and wild.
I need to discuss this final transition to another life, before I can feel happy with it.
There was no great shock; it's not like what wiped out the dinosaurs, where's the smoking gun, where's the crater; I was born dead; we all born dead, but then we are stimulated and activated, but with me I was born dead, and then that was it, I've always stayed dead. It's no good trying to activate me now.
I want to go further out on a limb, I want to be in even more extreme position.
Come in No.9 your time is up. We've only got 6 boats. Oh. Are you in trouble No.6? Are you in trouble No.6? He disappeared off the end of the scale years ago.---I was trying to impress that point on Sarah, I want to talk to someone about why it is precluded.

I'm not interested in anyone but those I can get blood from [17 June]

I'm not interested in anyone but those I can get blood from for my story.

I like being in this extreme place [16 June]

I like being in this extreme place; I secretly, privately, love it. I giggle hysterically to myself at the unbelievable hedonistic pleasure of my situation.

The more they attack me the more I like it [15 June]

The more they attack me, the more I like it. The more victories they hand me.

How I like being a vampire now [14 June]

How I like being a vampire now. It is all part of my brilliant Frankenstein creativity; I create things so I can feed on them.

I make my own rules and live by them [13 June]

I make my own rules, and live by them; they don't like it, they are jealous because they wouldn't have the courage to live outside the rules, they hate my beauty, and bravery.

Sunday, 12 June 2016

I am impish, and mischievous

I am impish, and mischievous. I make my own rules, that is my genius.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

"Others behave as though they are in a strong position when in fact the reverse is true"

"Others behave as though they are in a strong position when in fact the reverse is true. Once you find the chinks in their armour, victory is inevitable."
"Like Williams Orton was gay, working class and a great diarist; unlike Williams Orton revelled in his sexuality. He sought sexual adventure at every opportunity. but Orton wanted Williams to do more than take vicarious pleasure in his exploits; as his diary reveals, he urged Kenneth  to shed his inhibitions and become more like him: 'I'm basically guilty at being homosexual, you see' he said. Well, then, you shouldn't be, I said. Get yourself fucked if you want to, get yourself anything you like. Reject all the values of society, and enjoy sex. When you're dead, you'll regret not having fun with your genital organs."
"Orton had failed to revive Williams's stage career, but he did transform his private world. In the summer of 1960, Orton and Halliwell took Williams on holiday to a place that would change his life. Tangiers in the 1960s was a haven for gay men, drawn there by the availability of sexual partners in a society tolerant of unconventional lifestyles. Typically Williams approached the Tangiers experience with more restraint. But while the temptations Tangiers offered unsettled him, Williams couldn't resist completely. In Tangiers, Williams could skirt the fringes of all that both repelled and fascinated him; it offered an escape from his unhappy life at home, and, as these previously unpublished paragraphs reveal, somewhere that he could relax and feel PART of life. 'On all the occasions I've fled to Morocco because of some inner despair. There wasn't one really successful visit, in the sense of spiritual replenishment, but they all worked after a fashion because new rhythms were created, and the PENDULUM MUST SWING. It is when the pendulum is motionless, or barely moving at all, THAT is the time of suicidal despair."
The more challenges I'm presented with, the more I'm excited. Just to get drunk, and go wild and go to Boulevard for a change, that's all right.


Friday, 10 June 2016

I play my own game and they don't like it because they don't understand it

I play my own game, and they don't like it because they don't understand it.
Last year was more exciting because I was going to rooms, this year I've been so controlled and professional. But, I've saved money. I want the chance to show them how invincible I am.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Big fat raindrops on the window

Big fat raindrops on the window, very fresh weather, grey skies: what agony to have to stay in! But it feels too soon, you have to make yourself wait, so then you are bursting to make up for it. By Thursday I can have gone to ----- and done some work on my book to have earnt the relief.

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Wet and windy tomorrow--what a beautiful start to June!

Wet and windy tomorrow--what a beautiful start to June! Like last year, Boulevard on the 11th, Friends of Oscar Astral on the 16th. The five day forecast says rain for every day. Heavy rain after midday tomorrow.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

I love going into the underground of Soho, under the black thundery clouds

I love going into the underground of Soho, under the black thundery clouds, like last year to New and Boulevard and Stellar.
Another cold rainy start to June like last year; but last year it served my need for vampirism -- now? Things are quite calm and cool in Phnom Penh, writing my book, that is the strong need now.
I am triumphant, I am rampant, I continue to do what I want. I am Joe Orton.


Saturday, 4 June 2016

Manon was very poor, very dull

Manon was very poor, very dull; I left at the interval and just caught the 8.09 home.

Friday, 3 June 2016

The world is a rich fantasy, like Baron Munchhausen

The world is a rich fantasy, like Baron Munchhausen. By seeing it as a fantasy is the only way I can get through it e.g. Zelda Fitzgerald. It is my devil. That is my brilliance. So I choose not to be too friendly, that is my choice.
----- was very enjoyable today: I was able to talk about my greatness, how I should be worshipped, bowed down to, I felt powerful; being able to talk about these things. Unless you devote everything to making you rich, you won't create anything beautiful or special. I'm extreme, she didn't want me to be extreme, because that would prevent closure in 16 weeks.

Soho is my sexual playground, grab as much as you want

Soho is my sexual playground, grab as much as you want, like Joe Orton, Francis Bacon would. Wedekind. No restrictions whatsoever.

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

You've got to realise how blessed you are!

You've got to realise how blessed you are!
Sexual freedom is the key. Where am I going to get money from? I must think of something new. "Reject all the values of society, and enjoy sex. When you're dead you'll regret neglecting your genitals." Kenneth Williams in Tangiers. F.G.Lorca in Havana. Me in Soho. The pendulum must swing, that is the thing. Be wild like Joe Orton. I must really bother them, with my continued serene existence. And the pleasures I enjoy: the cinema, the opera, the football, Soho Cinema and Sunset Strip, the books, the writing, Upton.