Sunday, 31 July 2016

That’s what I like to do and they can’t stop me

That’s what I like to do, and they can’t stop me. I am the way I want to be, and they don’t like it, they don’t like my brilliance, my intelligence, my beauty, my serenity, my grace—they are my pawns. They are playing into my hands, they are falling into their parts in my experiment without realising they are giving me the research I need.
Don’t they think perhaps it is a sign of their own insecurity? Do they not think they are giving the game away a little?
“A misunderstanding could damage your reputation and injure your confidence. As everything intensifies, patience is your last resort. Despite outer confusion, remain calm if you can, as your inner experience will be full of inspiration and brilliance.”
“Luckily your independent temperament isn’t too bothered by lack of co-operation from other people this week. You’ve got your own agenda and you are quite happy to get on with it. You see obstacles and delays as opportunities for change, but do guard against finding a new problem to replace the old one you’ve just solved.”
Don’t dim your light for anyone. You can never have enough enemies. I will enjoy taking them on.
Do whatever you know people are going to reproach you for; dare them; wind them up.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

How I love the sounds of the jungle!

How I love the sounds of the jungle! I want to become an "unrestrained colourist with a richness of line bordering on the violent"!
I am Dracula, I am tall and dark and mysterious, and brilliant, and intelligent, and genius, and rich: what more could I possibly want?? I take their unending squeals of abuse as a compliment, and as such are warmed by them.
You think I should change to fit in with your dogma, when surely your dogma should change to encompass my extremes?

Saturday, 16 July 2016

Socialising is not the be all and end all. There is more to life

Socialising is not the be all and end all. There is more to life. Obviously I’m not going to co-operate in my own extinction. Borderline autism is the reason I was put on this planet, that is my specialness. If you take my specialness away from me you leave me with nothing. Analysis and Therapy: you leap on me 50 times a session; you contradict everything I say, it’s like you see me as an aberration, and that aberration has got to be wiped out, instead of seeing what brilliant things this aberration could create if encouraged to bloom, given warmth and love and encouragement, stimulate the growth of the aberration, not wipe it out.
I am a rare and endangered species and there’s lots of big game hunters out there with their rifles just looking to wipe creatures out for the thrill of it. Oliver Sacks wouldn’t attempt to contradict everything those four people said to him, instead he gave them their head, and let them unfurl their lives for him, and what brilliant stories they were able to paint for him, what brilliant fascinating programmes they were! Uplifting, stimulating, that there are such brilliant aberrations in this world. We’re not like the normal people we see on the news every night. A peacock in the middle of all this grey uniformity. Sarah opened up an unbearable life for me, it made me see my previous position wasn’t so unbearable after all; it made me see I should think myself lucky for what I had, I yearned to go back to it. Like Lorca in New York.

Friday, 15 July 2016

Oscar Wilde showed the stupid people up for what they are; I hope that is what I can do, too

Oscar Wilde showed the stupid people up for what they are; I hope that is what I can do, too. One day if I’ve got 60 or 80 books behind me, that body of work will show the stupid people up, it will educate people about people who are borderline autistic, demonstrate that that is as valid and as valuable a thing to be as anything else. It is about seeing value in everything. A writer, etc. We have a fundamental difference, I have an autist’s neutrality. What do we need slugs, and millipedes and ants for, people say; but in fact they are all performing a vital function, they are all part of the brilliant biodiversity of the planet. Like if rainforest is destroyed, they bewail 20 species have been lost that no one had seen yet! And they are right to bewail that! Lalage might only be useful to me when it reverts to a correspondence relationship. She says whenever I talk to her about Sarah I always sound very scathing (?), when we seemed to have a warm and important relationship. Felt miserable there, and coming out.
It is about helping me accept my isolation. It is about helping someone accept their incurable cancer and make their remaining life as rich and exciting as possible.
If you keep contradicting me, it will make me defensive. I am a rare endangered species, and if you keep contradicting I feel you want to wipe me out, too. If you allow me to continue living, we can start to make progress. I love my little brother so much, I cannot let you destroy him and all he stands for. He has been attacked and abused all his life, and told it was his fault, but not anymore. I’m taking a different path but that is the only way I can extract the material I need to extract. I tried living normally, in a bewildered limbo, for 28 years, now I’m going into the jungle to extract that extinction. My differentness must be preserved because that is what is special about me: that gives me the only advantage I’ve got. If you keep trying to trip me up, then I’m always going to have to defend myself, aren’t I? I go through life, hypersensitive, looking for the first sign of an obsession I can cling onto; because my obsessions are my glories, they are my glorious surreal creations.
“A sense of one’s own strangeness” is a wonderful thing to discover in life, and you try to take that away. I must fight to the death to protect that. I find this philosophical conversation stimulating and unblocking. A lifelong bid to heal that wound, to be left alone is the way to live life, because it is what M showed me. If I have to stop living alone, you are forcing me to abandon that little baby forever, then he would die.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

I am superior and triumphant, and they are worsening their position all the time

I am superior and triumphant, and they are worsening their position all the time. Let them wonder; as I happily continue along my merry little way. Great people do attract the abuse of the stupid people, they feel afraid of me. Oscar Wilde had it, Van Gogh had it; they recognise I am great and are terrified of me.
It is interesting; what material they give me.
I am showing them how to live life on the edge. I am refining my rough genius, making it more pointed and sophisticated and deadly.
I am living in a fantasy world, a hellish world of mining the coalface, like in Outland with Sean Connery on some remote Jupiter moon; but the rewards are enormous for those prepared to do it.
I love the abandon and Dionysian negation of Marxworld.
I love their opposition. How their opposition thrills me. What electricity they give to my life. What sexual power. Completely immerse myself in that sleazy yellow Marxworld; it is MY world; it is where I know myself best, it is where I belong. I thrive and flourish and bloom on whatever energy they can give me; whatever blood they let me suck. I am in the position I would choose to be in.
I TAKE WHAT I NEED FOR MY BOOK.
They're jealous because they can't touch my riches, they are out of reach, I move in realms & opera houses & cinemas & football stadiums & pubs & restaurants & clubs they don't understand, that are barred to them forever. They can't stand not being able to move in my circles. How I kill myself laughing at them; how pathetic they make themselves look.
This is my fix. They are providing me with my red fix.
They don't understand how I am using them, sucking them vampirically. Give me more! I am rapacious. I'm forever out of their reach, and that's all they can do.

Saturday, 9 July 2016

Jumping to please other people, you'll be jumping all your life

Jumping to please other people, you'll  be jumping all your life. Because that's the way THEY are? That's not the way I am, does that matter?
My dreams, my fantasies, my riches: That is my paradise, that no one else can compete with, that is what they are jealous of, that is what they fear. They are trying to launch pre-emptive strikes to stop me, but fail miserably and become increasingly desperate.
I have a weakness, a penchant, a liking for sex clubs.
I am a powerful polemicist on my own behalf.
I thought I could come back and have a conversation on a more intelligent basis than before. Not indoctrination. Sarah's got a lot to learn. Maybe if I write 60 or 80 books, that body of work will help educate people.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

This quest to find out what's wrong with me instead of trying to get better

This quest to find out what's wrong with me, instead of trying to get better; they want to paper over what's wrong with me, pretend it's not there.
The closer the threat of work comes, the more desperately I yearn to return to Sunset Strip. The more exquisite it becomes, the more I taste the blood in my mouth, the pain in my gums. Joe Orton, "if you want to get fucked, get fucked; when you're dead you'll regret neglecting your genitals." I EXULT in being different, and doing things differently.
At 28, Frank Sinatra just started inventing himself, in  New York. I can just start now.
What if there's nothing there? I am a genius of nothingness. The nothingness an abandoned baby feels.
I love the sadistic masochistic eye-contact with the Sunset girls, like with leopardskin brunette "I'm doing it", black feathers, Belly Josephine, black bob. That drunken Chandos world, Strand restaurant, Oscar Wilde street, Haymarket and Leicester Square cinemas, Chelsea, Charing X Road, Sunset Strip, Soho Cinema, Coliseum. Victoria.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

I want to give myself over to P&P, I want to lead the double life

I want to give myself over to P&P, I want to lead the double life.
"Hangover Square, by Patrick Hamilton. A funny, depressing, vivid and mundane chronicle of London pub life before the war. From the early evening hope of the night's first drink to the stale cigarette smoke and unfulfilled promise of last orders, Patrick Hamilton describes the highs & lows of career alcoholism and observes the brutality of barroom philosophising."
I'm a solitary creature and to be frank, that's how I want it. With some money in my bank, my situation is perfect.
Dandys Boys Better Beware, a great dancer song, like the Americans Nirvana & Levelllers dance! Loud, and agressive and raucous, turned way up loud! I want to completely lose myself in Soho; like Will Self completely loses himself on heroin, etc, that's the way he lives. I want lots of black carpark money in my pockets.
Be weird and monstrous and elegant like Will Self.
I am flattered by their attention. I want more of it. It shows they are thinking about me.
I believe in hedonism, doing everything for pleasure on the spur of the moment. A sensationalist. I have set them up for their fall now. I'm flattered by the attention.

I want to give myself over to P&P, I want to lead the double life

I want to give myself over to P&P, I want to lead the double life.
"Hangover Square, by Patrick Hamilton. A funny, depressing, vivid and mundane chronicle of London pub life before the war. From the early evening hope of the night's first drink to the stale cigarette smoke and unfulfilled promise of last orders, Patrick Hamilton describes the highs & lows of career alcoholism and observes the brutality of barroom philosophising."
I'm a solitary creature and to be frank, that's how I want it. With some money in my bank, my situation is perfect.
Dandys Boys Better Beware, a great dancer song, like the Americans Nirvana & Levelllers dance! Loud, and agressive and raucous, turned way up loud! I want to completely lose myself in Soho; like Will Self completely loses himself on heroin, etc, that's the way he lives. I want lots of black carpark money in my pockets.
Be weird and monstrous and elegant like Will Self.
I am flattered by their attention. I want more of it. It shows they are thinking about me.
I believe in hedonism, doing everything for pleasure on the spur of the moment. A sensationalist. I have set them up for their fall now. I'm flattered by the attention.

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

They think I'm the victim, but I'm the master criminal

They think I'm the victim, but I'm the master criminal. I'm the Fantomas leaning over Paris pulling all the strings, including theirs.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Isabella Rossellini nude getting out of swimming pool

Isabella Rossellini nude getting out of swimming pool; be wild and rampant.

 

Sunday, 3 July 2016

It's a test of my willpower

It's a test of my willpower, to see if I can do something I hate for six months. Fresh material, fresh flesh, fresh blood! A new feeding ground. Always do something you think you can't. Then you can go back to your sybaritic lifestyle, thinking that you've earned it.

Friday, 1 July 2016

Victoria is part of the story as much as sitting here is

Victoria is part of the story as much as sitting here is. I'll be able to buy records again, spectacles, second hand bookshops. Lorca went to New York and hated every minute of it, he was unhappy for six months. Do the same. Be writing the story while I'm AT Victoria, in my head, in my notebooks. I am fire, I am volcano, while I'm at Victoria. I'm doing it because Lorca was unhappy for six months in New York.