Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I am brilliant because I get great material out of it.

I am brilliant because I get great material out of it. How I emerge with fresh inspiration and reborn energy; like a snake sloughing off its skin at periodic intervals. It is all a game to me, you stupid people. Don't you realise, I am playing you like a violin, you are playing your parts without realising it, like miniatures in my Grand Tour game.
It's like the shaming of the Swiss, I put up with it for too long; now it's gone too far. I'm not putting up with it anymore. Society tries to make you feel ashamed for being anti-social, and therapy joins in with this conspiracy. It's like Capricorn One. The fact is you HAVE to be sociable. No, you don't. You're trying to force this line on me. But I won't buy that line, and that makes me too difficult apparently.

Monday, 29 August 2016

I love tempting people into it

I love tempting people into it. Trapping them. Tricking them into my web.

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Once you open your mouth to say a bad word to someone then you've stuck a poison dart into yourself

Once you open your mouth to say a bad word to someone, then you've stuck a poison dart into yourself. If you hurt another human being, it never goes away; it stains you forever.
"Fuelled by honest contempt, Hitchens clearly enjoyed taking the revenge that those with brains always ultimately get, and he did it brilliantly, and without mercy."
I love the opposition, don't I? The electricity it gives, the tasty sweet blood in my mouth (Frankenstein AND Dracula!). It proves I am as glorious as I thought, I am a Napoleon. What fools they let me make of them. I am eccentric and blase, and carefree about it: I am now enjoying such rich sybaritic pleasures, and having the time of my life. They are providing me with the electricity I need to ride on this wave of the scented sea of bosoms.
I am completely carefree, and reckless, and spontaneous, and Priapic, and situationist.
I love the wildness of my life; don't these petty people realise that? You've got to live WILDLY. The more opposition I get, the more I like it. People with brains will always ultimately gain the victory, that's what they cannot stand. I shall enjoy watching them dig deeper holes for themselves, because it's going to rebound on them, not me. And in the meantime I am gathering all the richness into my stories. I'm starting to enjoy all my deep sybaritic pleasures.

Saturday, 27 August 2016

Writers think about it

Writers think about it, and respond eight years later.

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Giacometti can be represented as a dreadful worrier

"Giacometti can be represented as a dreadful worrier, a frequenter of brothels, a woman-fancier with no sense of proportion. Solitary, tormented, epically miserable, glacially brilliant but with a curious gift for silent friendship."

Monday, 22 August 2016

I am gilding my cage

I am gilding my cage. I am lining my rut with fur. I devote my life to nothing but pleasure, while at the same time writing about it.

Sunday, 21 August 2016

Very dark and grey this 8am morning. I took what I needed

Very dark and grey this 8am morning. I took what I needed, like Taste the Blood of Dracula, now I'm writing about it. I am more evil & sadistic than they can possibly imagine. I WANTED this electricity. I did it to generate this electricity, this keenness.
They let me make fools of them. All the notebooks of the eight years weren't wasted, they are full of the starting ideas which can all be developed and exploited later e.g. the Wickhamnauts and Edwardnauts. They were starts of ideas; only now am I ready to write.
They fear me so much, they are desperate for any stick to try and beat me with, because I am a beautiful intellectual. The last 8 years has been the chrysalis stage, Writing is my chance to round on my critics and make them see they had lost all along.
"You may produce the one line that the world needs, and justifies your existence. The other lines are all forgotten, they don't matter."

Saturday, 20 August 2016

"It is doubtful you will take a back seat now"

"It is doubtful you will take a back seat now, particularly if you have already mapped out your route or decided on a course of action. However, the likelihood is that someone will pursue you, without any regard for your feelings. Either way, you must remain true to yourself today." That is the important thing, remain true to yourself. S put unbearable pressure on me.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Just because I've a great need to be alone doesn't make me a bad person

Just because I've a great need to be alone doesn't make me a bad person: she seems to think it does. I needed someone to understand me as I was, to be accepted. This was too much for her.
Just because her 16 week closure is threatened. She doesn't think about the human cost of me trying to go away and suddenly try to implement these things, contort myself into being the complete opposite for what I've been for -- years. Like closing up Tutankhamun's tomb after 16 weeks, but 90% of the treasures are still down there. But no she's adamant, the 16 weeks is nearly up, it must be CLOSED! It's just stupid. Set yourself artificial time limits then you make problems for yourself, but you try and push those problems onto me. If the job of closing Tutankhamun's tomb cannot be finished in 16 weeks, you should calmly say so, and that's all right, there is no panic about that, if I cannot finish it with you, that's sad, but I can continue with someone else or continue the exploration job alone, but don't try and close the lid down and seal it up again, don't try and shut me up again. It is so artificial, it is such a rushed bodged fix. This is not beneficial, this is more harmful. We could have had a slow pace and left open, instead of rushed panicky pace forcing me to close myself down all this time. This was unhelpful.
I've been closed for -- years, now I've started opening, I'm not ready to be closed again. Everything's got to happen and be seen to happen in 16 weeks. After -- years of being me in a certain way, for very good reasons, I think this is rather far-fetched and unrealistic.
If they take me on, they give me power; they cannot win.
With my specialness, wildness, I show my complete POWER over them, my complete invincibility to their dullard stupidity. I am afraid I'm going to have to keep frustrating them by continuing to enjoy my sybaritic pleasures.
It was always my natural road, but I tried to fight my natural road, because I was horrified by its implications. Like a vampire, or a homosexual.
How delicious my insouciance is. I am more alive than them. I ride on a scented sea of bosoms. They cannot get their hands on my secret treasure. I love the thrill of the chase, the excitement they give me. They laugh because they hate their own inadequacies. Wherever they go, they will be treated to my SUPREME CONFIDENCE; my calm happy unflinching TAOIST SMILE.
I yearn for everyone to be against me, they are playing into my hands.
My implacable TAOIST SMILE, and my SUPREME CONFIDENCE, will face them wherever they go. They will never get away from it, like Nayland Smith can never get away from Fu Manchu.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

My behaviour is strange but it is strange for a reason

My behaviour is strange but it is strange for a reason, it's no good just slapping me on the wrist. I was a branch that grew in a strange direction from the start, it is inconvenient but that's the way it is.
They can do NOTHING to dent my irrepressible optimism. My sybaritic pleasure-filled joyousness. Just because they are in the majority, they seem to think that makes them right, while I'm here to tell them it doesn't. And I shall take pleasure in constantly reminding them. This feels like the verge of the most exciting time in my life.
T.S.Eliot: Arnold's Dover Beach: Live all you can. Force moment to its crisis.
I want to describe life from an extreme place, so they are playing into my hands.
I love forcing things to their crisis, mischievously, deliciously, I'm addicted to it. I love finding new victims, who fall into my clutches, get caught in my web and lured into my lair.

Monday, 15 August 2016

"People would often talk about him to me; they said he was unstable, moody, even neurotic; I liked being the only one who understood him"

"People would often talk about him to me; they said he was unstable, moody, even neurotic; I liked being the only one who understood him. If he was sometimes blunt and rude, as people claimed, it was certainly only as a defence. For he possessed that rarest of all gifts, which I should call goodness if the word had not been so abused; let me say that he really cared about people."
Because I'm beyond their understanding. "In letter to De Beauvoir through the autumn of 1948, Algren explained how unhappy he was with his the existence he was leading, how tired he was of solitude and intellectual isolation."
Life is unbearable if you're undecided, that's the thing. Well I've decided now, and I'm going all out with it.

Saturday, 13 August 2016

It is like swatting a fly

It is like swatting a fly.
I am collecting the material they give me; how they feed me with electricity. The glue I need. How I love annoying people with my beauty, and intelligence, and genius.

Friday, 12 August 2016

How I love the sounds of the jungle

How I love the sounds of the jungle.
How the stupid people hate me; what a compliment that is. How they torment themselves to try to get my attention. This is the effect great people like me have on the little people.

Thursday, 11 August 2016

They don't like me because I've got courage not to be a sheep

They don't like me because I've got courage not to be a sheep, desperately fit in. I'm too busy living my own life, and enjoying my life, my sybaritic pleasures. How that annoys them. The outsider likes opposition, like Camus. I've got them on the run. Laughing at other people, with deliberate spiteful intent, they damn themselves; and I am drawing them into it. How I love winding people up.
If I go to Victoria, it will be in order to write a new chapter in my book.
A scented sea of bosoms, remember that!

Saturday, 6 August 2016

I have had to learn ways to bind my own wound

I have had to learn ways to bind my own wound; I have had to make my own bandages, and my own balm. I am my own creation, I was left uncreated, unformed, in a burning building. I am wild, and rampant, and completely reckless.

Monday, 1 August 2016

Be ruthless, and vicious, and sadistic

Be ruthless, and vicious, and sadistic.
I’m not frightened of being ECCENTRIC, I’m PROUD of it, it is my glory, by singling me out they are playing into my hands, they are puffing me up even more with  a sense of my own specialness and brilliance which I suspected I had, now they’re proving it. They don’t seem to realise: to be eccentric and totally ignored would be terrible, to be eccentric and given all the special attention, that is what eccentrics crave and glory in. They are giving me precisely what I revel in. This is the size of their defeat. Is this really the only price I have to pay for my genius?
Been thundering and drizzling all afternoon and evening (7pm now). Other people’s lives are not so happy. That is why it doesn’t pay to go round laughing at other people. If you keep to your line, and keep a clear conscience you’re always going to come out of it stronger; and they only even weaker.
It’s like Will Hunting trying to explain how much he likes his job as janitor and how noble it is, when inside he’s dying away.
You’ve got to hold your nerve, hold to your own line, withstand all the pressure, stick to your own gameplan; to make your mark in the world of poetry, to have your success there, success being measured in attaining the highest equilibrium of mind, the greatest spiritual calm, and deep pleasure.
It’s like Napoleon trying to present his Egyptian campaign as a brilliant glorious success, glossing over the Battle of the  Nile defeat to Nelson.
To be alone in this world makes it hard to find your equilibrium, but to have to find it under constant sniping fire makes it more of a trial still, but it makes the satisfaction greater when  you do find it and keep it.