Friday, 28 October 2016

I am so detached from my own life I observe and comment and write on it with lascivious delight

I am so detached from my own life, I observe and comment and write on it with lascivious delight. I use "----- ----- [myself]" as my own testbed.

Thursday, 27 October 2016

Shore yourself together

Shore yourself together so when the flood comes you become an immediate floating raft. Pure spirit, and they can't stand my rampancy.
Got tube to Virgin and bought the Garbage CD but couldn't use the tokens because they split from WH Smith's two weeks before! Then Yellow. Got my Britannicus ticket for £11. Then I had my three pints in Chandos before Soho Cinema. Go Go Contest, Africa Rising (again), Disruption (reminded me so much of Tracie Andrews!), then Bow Down Backstreet, all black, one of the best ever! It got the better of me, unfortunately, quite accidentally, so I didn't stay for Number 5.
In Soho Cinema I was thinking I want that Victoria job, so I can keep coming back to Soho Cinema.

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

I love the attention quite frankly!

I love the attention, quite frankly! Passing the long Post Office queue was delicious. All they are doing is giving themselves away. Live by Cocteau's law. Never hurt others, never diminish others, never answer insults. But I love being the centre of attention; that would be wonderful. It has been so inspiring.

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

I take a more rumbustious path through life

I take a more rumbustious path through life.  More exciting, sybaritic, pleasurable. Use everything you can find as your catalyst, even the opposition. Use everything as fuel to propel me. For an Autistic person life is always wonderful, because they see things that normal people can't. Always look for experience, and progress. To quote Noel Coward: "I rise above it, frankly love it!"

Monday, 24 October 2016

"Coleridge suffered from 'a derangement in his intellectual and moral constitution'"

"Coleridge suffered from 'a derangement in his intellectual and moral constitution.' Given this, Coleridge is fortunate to have Richard Holmes as his biographer. He writes of Coleridge as 'his usual, rambling, magnificent, highly metaphysical self.' He adores Coleridge's philosophical waywardness...seemingly efficient only at dependence: he moved from one household to another, scrounging bed & board.
But away from the hot salons of his public career, a much more desperate Coleridge struggled with himself. He was, of course, an opium addict, and he alternated his frantic public appearances with deep collapses. Poisoned by opium, his body swelled monstrously and his insides froze into constipation. Partly, one suspects, this boom & bust cycle was temperamental, the advance and retreat of a manic depressive. But in his bedroom, administering his own enemas with a brass syringe, Coleridge suffered terrible shame at the spectacle of his damaged self."
Foiled! "You will never win," they spat. He smiled calmly. "You make it more certain with every word you say."
"Let me see if  I've got this right: your life is so dull you need me to provide some excitement for you." This is their absolute terror: that I am gaining from it, the whole time.
"The sun in Scorpio puts you at your most daring, sensual and dramatic, and woe betide any sign that gets in your way."

Sunday, 23 October 2016

I live on a sea of scented bosoms

I live on a sea of scented bosoms.
This is my natural environment. It is what I feel most at home in, and most thrilled by.
I admire the way I take everyone on.
Sybarism requires opposition. To provide the frisson of rich pleasurable excitement. They hate it, because they are thick, not very intelligent, disadvantaged, with no prospects. They hate me for my RAMPANCY. My SYBARISM. My SCENTED SEA OF BOSOMS.
"You've been very bold, brave, strong and decisive lately. So where is the reward for your courage? It is right here, in your need to be even more brave, bold, strong and decisive. By redefining the rules of a certain game, you have shifted a crucial balance of power in your favour. That power, though, will do you no good unless you exert it. To stop is to decide that, having fought hard to earn your place in a vital race, you will retire before it has even been run. Your only choice is to battle on."
"Certain individuals would like you to believe they are better off than they actually are. However, it would be cruel and unthinking to call their bluff, and embarrassing for all if they could produce no evidence of their good fortune. Turn a blind eye to the matter and let everyone hold on to their pride."

Saturday, 22 October 2016

That extraordinary Egyptian dream I had last night

That extraordinary Egyptian dream I had last night, featuring those two yellow shops again from previous dreams! Went in the grey M&S type building, went round the side, wondering where to go next, then realised this was it, I just had to turn right and north from here, I would come into the sleazy part. I remember very little of it. Next I'm in a tomb, choosing tunnels & holes, but it's like on a computer screen. I go down a level, open a stone box, full of little trinkets, like a purple perfume bottle, which I offer to my companion then put back in my pocket (also before we leave and return up the way we came, a £5 note?); having run out of time for this trip we ignore the other round exits from the room and return up the chute we came down in;  next we seem to be on a big cruise yacht in the Alexandrian (?) bay, the villain in a tiny rowing boat was coming towards us in the night; Sid James (?) says what's that noise, "oh it's just a small rowing boat" I say, next I have been concussed and am  being thrown down into the water and on to the row boat. That's as far as it got; there was also a voluptuous short-haired blonde woman with big heavy tits dangling crawling towards me, I don't know what part she played. Funny how often I dream about Egypt, remembering the Vienna Egypt dream of February 1994 period, and funny how often those yellow shops keep reappearing!, as if it really was part of London. A backstreet off of Tottenham Court Road, do I remember from the dream? An area of London very hard to access, unless you have the key, like Von Bek's entrance into the hellish city underworld in The City in the Autumn Stars. A whole sleazy sexy sinpot waiting to be discovered for those who have the key. When did I last dream that, how many months ago was it?
Was it inflamed by late last night reading my "London full of Chinamen", the granddaughter of Fu Manchu notes, with its Mask of Trotsky in Egypt memories? Was it because of Tomb Raider perhaps?
And is it true Rachel Weisz is re-making the 1930s The Mummy?
I'm doing exactly what I want, I'm holding to my line, I'm sticking to my mechanism. I am a poet, I write for The Yellow Book, like Aubrey Beardsley. It's been such a grey, wet, rainy week, I would have loved to have been out; but it will just make it more enjoyable next week.
I don't care a fig! I am Francis Bacon. What sort of artist would I be if I felt ashamed! The days when you go out, aren't they good? Aren't they rich, fond memories, like last Thursday?! I love the glory of my stories, they have very little to offer besides that. Is it possible to go out tomorrow? Any mind that doesn't obey mine bores me.

Friday, 21 October 2016


I am ECCENTRIC! Gloriously, rampantly, joyfully, mischievously ECCENTRIC! It is a fabulous game. I don't regret anything I've done--I did it for glory.

Thursday, 20 October 2016

I wanted it to be an open discussion

I wanted it to be an open discussion, with nothing ruled in and nothing ruled out. Just to talk amidst the destruction and see what naturally emerged. Let the river take its natural course. But I felt she was dictating the course too much, she was trying to shunt this river down one particular siding, to mix metaphors, a siding which denied my rich imagination, my rich inner world. She was trying to influence the outcome too much, she was loading the dice, and that bothered me: I wanted to talk to someone and thereby come to a solution myself. It was too directed.
You see it as being fossilised. I see it as being rich and fabulous.
Go because it annoys them, do everything because it annoys them, be me because it annoys them. This is only Stage 1 of my life. I must write the way Van Gogh had to paint. I take risks, and still escape their clutches every time.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

The stress & tension of the German Romantics is what I need

The stress & tension of the German Romantics is what I need.
I have achieved LIBERATION. I am in harmony with nature now. I am spontaneous. I live in my sybaritic pleasures. I want to put myself at the heart of it. Wherever my enemies are gathering, I want to suddenly appear in the heart of them. I seek their enmity. It is the mark of approval I need to reassure me. It makes things interesting, does it not.

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Search for wisdom in all cultures

I love the voluptuous priapism of my life since Pope Friday

I love the voluptuous priapism of my life since Pope Friday.
I wanted a free discussion, where nothing was ruled in and nothing was ruled out. We could just explore all the options.
I like taking them on in tight, small, dangerous places, and beating them. He knows there are enemies, so he chooses the battles, lures them in, and takes them on in micro-encounters of his own choosing. I don't feel under siege; it's in the small tight places that I come into my own and am transformed. They follow this little man into the dead end, to find the 12ft monster has got THEM. In these small, tight, dangerous places, I come into my POWER. When they have me cornered, that is when they are at my mercy.
I must keep my concentration absolutely poised and centred on my writing. I must never take my eyes off that ball.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

I had a dream about Sarah didn't I the previous night but forgot to write it down

I had a dream about Sarah, didn't I, the previous night, but forgot to write it down. I live in a random, eccentric, surreal world, which they cannot understand. Yesterday was a real breakthrough day, it felt very significant. At last, the winter season has started. I went over the edge and through the dividing wall. I became Pius.

Saturday, 15 October 2016

It’s like a conspiracy, if someone keeps trying to cover something up, you immediately start to think what have they got to hide

It’s like a conspiracy, if someone keeps trying to cover something up, you immediately start to think what have they got to hide. Jealousy is like gangrene, it spreads and spreads. And I’m not going away. I’m going to spread through them a bit more. This is just the beginning. I put myself in the middle of the situation, where I can patiently politely pick them apart.  My ability to operate in small, tight, dangerous places.
Enemy, thy name is jealousy. And I’ve got you in my pocket. I let you plan your armies, and gather your troops, and you don’t realise it is all taking place in my pocket, I’m watching your secret plotting with tears of hilarity rolling down my cheeks. They’ve bitten off a bit more than they can chew in taking me on. Damaged people can be dangerous, because they cannot be hurt. You like being provocative? No. I don’t pick the fights. But if people WANT to attack, then I shall take deep pleasure in running rings around them. Enemies are the best thing you can have. It proves you must be doing something right. Look at Clinton. (Beethoven. Oscar Wilde. Etc). Do the viciousness of the attacks on him come solely from the crime he committed? I think we all know the answer is no.
That picture of Tracey Andrews in tight white top and nipples is why I go to Marx and New!
Got another Dandy Warhols Come Down and of course it does not work at all! So I'll have to go back to return it again! Looked at RPGs and computer games. Lots of Vatican books in Foyles, I'm not sure how useful any of them would be. Then I bought my Mary Stuart ticket, and then had 3 pints. More than usual but it was very easy. It did put me in the right frame of mind for Marx club though. Tall Tracey, blonde Frenchie from before who danced to Chimney & Blue song. Brown bob in black dress, tall JF Ella lovely breasts, Crystal (black bob) with her geometric black bob, “Oh no, I’ve lost my knickers…Again!”, and arriving late, Raven! She is the star, without a doubt. I left after that for room and another Raven! Then Mary Stuart, which was superb. Get it over with. In the spirit of polymorphous perversity. Like Aubrey. After 3 pints I could do anything.  I don't even feel bad now, my resistance has definitely grown.

Friday, 14 October 2016

I have achieved LIBERATION

I have achieved LIBERATION. It is a positive step, like volcanic eruptions. I do exactly what I want, and I ENJOY it, that's what they cannot stand. A paradigm shift, that's what the Pope idea was. I was quite ruthlessly autistic with L----, I came out feeling like a dark autistic prince. I am going to more & more extreme places, but what else is there? She looked very sad & down. I am sure next week will be the last. I have gone past the point of no return. Write to NAS? As a baby I was left to observe what was happening around me, so that is what I've become. It is not her area of expertise. I am in the Autistic spectrum, but finally to be in a position where I can observe it, and write about it, this luscious opulent dark kingdom, ruled by Pope Pius XII.
Sarah wants me to wear a corset, hold everything in; be ashamed of all my bumps & curves. But I want to be a real human being, and let it all hang out, as nature intended.
I thought if I wanted to talk about autism, at last, I'm in the right place! How wrong could I be.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

Got the 1255 train & tube to Tottenham Court Road

Got the 1255 train & tube to Tottenham Court Road, to find normal exit blocked, the Virgin Megastore [gone] normal entrance blocked! To show how long I've been away. Some new eating place in Charing X Road, too. Looked at RPGs, In Nomine, and the Fading Suns rules which were interesting, I will go back to look at these again. Also return to Foyles for Vatican books. There was a new Freud biography, the Dali biography too. Didn't have time to get Britannicus ticket. Saw Love is the Devil, which was OK, bit boring. Then got ENO leaflet then pub, then New [Soho Cinema, gone]. Africa Rising was superior stuff on location in the jungle, then Buttman in Rio & Havana, the Rumpman from before, then Perfect Pair from before, which was better than I remembered! Then a Shannon Tweed film!
What sort of artist would I be, Bacon/Jacobi was saying, if I was ashamed of the things I do. I was thinking all day I am an artist, and do what I need for my painting, ruthlessly, eccentrically, bohemianly!
Do exactly what I want, wildly, rampantly! Jealousy is the sincerest form of flattery. Oscar knew, Francis knew, Vincent knew. I do it on purpose, to wind them up, to give me energy, and they are playing into my hands. I loom above them like Fantomas, pulling all their strings. They are clay in my hands. The jealousy of the disadvantaged.

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

"Use it, channel this energy, find a way to express it, suddenly it becomes a gift, something very valuable"

"Use it, channel this energy, find a way to express it, suddenly it becomes a gift, something very valuable. Kafka dealt with his paranoia by writing some of the great masterworks."

Monday, 10 October 2016

They are nothing, I can take or leave them as I please

They are nothing, I can take or leave them as I please. The disadvantaged find it very hard to cope; they have no intelligence, and no prospects. I let the monkeys do what they want down in their little world.
I am the Vatican; of course! I am the Pope Pius XII  in his blood red robes leaving the German President's palace in Berlin 1929 with the statues, outside a guard in trenchcoat & helmet. I am the Swiss banks with all the Nazi gold in their vaults, and I am also the Vatican not releasing their wartime documents. The pope is connected to the Francis Bacon pictures as well. The blood red government has taken charge in brown dome Berlin, and the pope sweeps in to visit.
What a fantastic new game it is.
Be rampant.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Let them come to see how ruthless I am

Let them come to see how ruthless I am in quite heartlessly picking off my targets.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Jealousy's a terrible thing. Anything that's useful

Jealousy's a terrible thing. Anything that's useful.
The woman that must never be mentioned. Brilliant man that Sherlock Holmes is, this was the one case he could never solve: what happened to his emotional life? Who stole his emotional life. It is the one mystery he can never solve.
This is my favourite game.
Whatever the catalyst is doesn't matter, as long as there is a catalyst. You're facilitating my revolution. I now want to celebrate me & my life, celebrate my differentness. Glory in it. I know this is the most exciting time of my life.

Friday, 7 October 2016

I'm young, I'm only -8; by the time I'm -8 I might just be hitting my stride, coming into my power

I'm young, I'm only -8; by the time I'm -8 I might just be hitting my stride, coming into my power.
The walk back across Leicester Square is always exciting, that disorientation is what is so exciting about it. I move on different planes, special spheres, a sea of scented bosoms.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Have love & respect in your heart at all times, how that infuriates them!

Have love & respect in your heart at all times, how that infuriates them! and defeats them! They are powerless to do anything to dent me at all. They are trying to increase the tension, thereby playing straight into my hands. Tension is what I've been trying to generate for the last six years.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

We don't give a fig anymore (Brian Sewell, Evening Standard)

"Pornography at its best is art, as Titian, Michelangelo and Leonardo knew; at its mildest it is erotica; and at its most direct it is a checklist of activities and fetishes to which the user responds with masturbation. Most experts in venereal behaviour argue that it is a safety valve. Ours is a hypocritical society, and we should take note of the retiring film censor. We have had our fill of censorship and must not forget the great battles of the Sixties -- Lady Chatterley, Fanny Hill and Oz among them -- which led to what intellectual freedom we now enjoy when sex is the subject of art and literature. The option for those ready to find offence is to walk away from it, ask for the return of ticket money at an exhibition or a film, turn off the television, eschew the magazine and video tape and no one should tell the rest of us what we may or may not see, or do with a consenting adult.
We condemn the prostitute and will not acknowledge that her resource has saved many a marriage and the sanity of many an unmarriageable man -- as has pornography. We damn the pornographer too readily without recognising that his work is as old as civilisation and that its crudest forms are much more a stimulus to quick release than an encouragement to mimicry and a specious excuse for the rapist caught in the act. Too many of my generation have been damaged by foolish Protestant prohibitions and pseudo-Christian cant; generations following mine should be free of pretence, inhibition and deceit, free to have access to pornography and the prostitute without the interference of authorities and the dishonest condemnation of society. Think on these things on Friday."

The project continues

The project continues.
"Hugo Wolf produced some of the most intense & expressive songs ever written. But this was achieved at the cost of mental stability. Periods of intense creativity were followed by times of desolation &despair & exacerbated by the effects of syphilis acquired in Viennese brothels."
I roll amongst them like a hand grenade with the pin pulled out.

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

I feel just about ready for the return now. Now it is cold & dark & inhospitable

I feel just about ready for the return now. Now it is cold, & dark, & inhospitable. Now the warm places come into their own. I might need my haircut first though.
You make a lot of enemies. I must be doing something right then. Lynch mobs are almost always wrong; that is the characteristic feature of them.

Monday, 3 October 2016

It is a complicated game I am playing on them and they are yet to divine it

It is a complicated game I am playing on them, and they are yet to divine it. One day a week to indulge in dangerous excess, and let myself go completely; that's not been done so far. That is what is needed. I miss the opera! Listening to The Flying Dutchman makes me want to go back and see it now. I create my own drama! My own sturm & drang.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

I like subjects not people

I like subjects, not people.

I'm lost in my own rich little world and they envy me

I'm lost in my own rich little world, and they envy me. Van Gogh was weird; he couldn't fit into normal social society. He just doggedly kept painting. You've get to get into the whole trance, the frame of mind. It's no use going there half-heartedly. Leave it till next week when it will be more committed, I can give myself to it totally. The Berlin trial, Egon Schiele night spirit.
After this two-week enforced isolation, it will be good to get back to New (& Marx). I wish I could leave ------ behind now, I almost wish they could force the issue; and to leave ----- as well.
I am mad, and I want to communicate it.