Monday, 31 December 2018

New Year's Eve. Christ I am going to have so many chances to look for M-- (or S--) after Friday 5th

New Year's Eve. Christ I am going to have so many chances to look for M-- (or S--) after Friday 5th. A whole week of London pubs. Starting with Sunset Strip that Friday night.
Standing at Victoria barrier as I came through, black hair, black eye make up, black fake lashes, red lips, brown fur coat over black party dress slit to stomach and ENORMOUS TITS on full display in middle! Saw inside half of both tits on clear display, beautiful beautiful voluptuous fat tits, best tits I've seen since L--. Sensational. Made my New Year's Eve.
On train in thinking yes nice to do something with S--, but oh how much better if M-- started to happen! Got erection straightaway at THAT thought! Spend more time in Calcutta, and if M-- is there NEVER leave. That moment when she giggled shyly "You confuse me! I don't know why!" is pretty much the most incredible moment of year. But at almost the same time these incredible looks and actions from S-- are also pretty extraordinary. I must be blooming & blossoming right now.
Excited for 2018? Intrigued what may happen with S-- or M--. Yearning to return to Brussels for Ibis, L'Orient Express and Le Coin this time; but really that must be a way off. My bank will hit -950 before payday as it is! Still -500 by February. That is WITHOUT strippers. Hope I hang on to my job and manage to keep getting my --- each month. I have published six paperbacks in second half of this year, THERAPY, A SEASON IN HELL, AUTISMUS, LOTTA, THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS, and THE MORNING AFTER. To come in 2018 CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS), MARRIAGE, TWELFTH NIGHT.


Sunday, 30 December 2018

They keep attacking because I am still hurting them

They keep attacking because I am still hurting them. My very existence and my thriving is hurting them so intensely.

Saturday, 29 December 2018

GENT magazine. Huge boobs smoking

GENT magazine. Huge boobs smoking.
Suddenly I am thinking Monday,  New Year's Day, on way home Monday morning I could either go straight out hang out in pub or rush home and come back out early, for few beers then look for Romilly Laura (have I seen her before?) and 2 Lisle Street Veronica laughing short Bulgarian. Then Friday 5th will be Sunset night. I knew it, I HAVE seen Laura, back in August, pretty and quite busty, but I did not stay, as she did not have that soft shyness that I like. A hint of soft tenderness. Still, would be nice to have a glance at those boobs again, but more interested now in checking out this tubby young smiling Veronica at 2 Lisle. We shall see.


Thursday, 27 December 2018

Two things I realise: Sunset Strip is closed until New Year but so of course is Charing Cross and Cannon Street! That surely increases chances of me going straight to -- this afternoon

Two things I realise: Sunset Strip is closed until New Year, but so of course is Charing Cross and Cannon Street! That surely increases chances of me going straight to -- this afternoon. Unless I get off 38 and go to C-- instead. Listening to all this Youtube music tonight made me crave some naked striptease. After my big Christmas dinner tomorrow I think my temptation more than anything will be to stay in all day and that will be it then till 2nd January.
What I achieved over Christmas at work was realising CASANOVA finishes at end of December 2006, with those final elegiac visits to Sunset Strip, Queen Anne and Scotsman after Carmen. Also downloaded about 40 new songs onto the -- playlist, and tonight onto my computer as well.
I could get 38 to C-- and only if really boring carry on straight to -- after 5. If C-- nice, stay there only. ****  820PM A brief visit to C-- but quite revelatory. S-- on her own, no specs, Dutch manager. At 5 -- and Tongan came in TOGETHER prompting much sniggering with S-- and Dutch, he wanted to know everything, every second. S-- put coat on at 5 and came around this side to drink her Baileys, and clinked glasses with man next to me reading his phone, a regular, but then reached out and wanted to clink glasses with me as well, and looked deep into my eyes for a long time. Going to be there NEXT Friday all day 10 to 10. Perfect. I feel close to asking her.
She just makes me HAPPY when I see her. And erection on way home thinking of her. And my music on my phone sounded AMAZING. Glad I resisted -- today. S-- was more exciting.

Tuesday, 25 December 2018

So horny when I woke this afternoon but it is the first of the twelve nights of course, the first of the twelve "hairy nights"

So horny when I woke this afternoon but it is the first of the twelve nights of course, the first of the twelve "hairy nights". If Zara too skinny now, perhaps Greek Street Mary if I could find her? But like I say I only have Wednesday anyway. Just as well, keep me out of trouble and reduce my spend, before the long eight days off in the New Year.
I am starting to wonder if Casanova (Lost Wanderings) is JUST 2006 and has to stop at December 2006. After that is TOO sad and painful and fragmented. There really seems nothing of any body after that at all. So then the silent gap becomes 2007-2010. Four years of non record. Because, of course, four years of no travelling. And it twas during that period coincidentally all my favourite places closed down, all of Berlin Stuttgarter Platz and Vienna Pour Platin for sure.  *** Amazing to think CASANOVA is now going to finish December 2006 with those final three visits to Sunset Strip Jolanda, Queen Anne Redd, and Flying Scotsman after Carmen when I got thrown out. I then fall into silence for more than THREE YEARS, not a word will I publish from 2007, 2008, 2009, until second half of 2010. By then Queen Anne will be closed, Stuttgarter Platz closed, Pour Platin closed. The world will have changed. That last chapter of CASANOVA then really feels like an epitaph for that whole world, whole way of life.

Monday, 24 December 2018

So Saturday I forced myself to -- with no enthusiasm whatsoever and sure enough felt no desire for anyone

So Saturday I forced myself to -- with no enthusiasm whatsoever, and sure enough felt no desire for anyone. S-- pretty enough but nothing special. But it is good because I think I will never go to -- again. Maybe if -- comes back with those enormous tits, but other than that, never. That too should help reduce my expenditure even further in the New Year. NOT going to Brussels already puts me one up on last year, and cutting out the -- will help even further. In these -- constricted times.
Just Sunday and Christmas Monday night to get through then two days off. Presume I will stay in Boxing Day Tuesday, with my two cans of  Belgian Lager and snowballs. Then I can return to -- and Calcutta on Tuesday. I did well in 2017 reducing my debt by £4,000 and my goal for 2018 is to reduce it even further, by at least £4,000 again if I can. Always reducing it by between £335-500 every month. No more -- will help. And refraining from a New Year Brussels.
Also in 2017 I have published AUTISMUS, LOTTA and THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS in paperback, and added to them THE MORNING AFTER, A SEASON IN HELL and THERAPY. Six books now published in paperback, recording my journey through life from December 1996 up to December 2005. Press on with CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS) 2006-2007 now, then MARRIAGE, then TWELFTH NIGHT, and all the TRAVEL DIARIES that follow that.
Press on with the incredible -- in Calcutta, and -- in --. Perhaps a Brussels trip in February. We will see. 2018 is all about ACCELERATING my credit card debt reduction if possible. And carry on with my publishing.

Sunday, 23 December 2018

I swear to God I thought it was Saturday all day yesterday (Friday)

I swear to God I thought it was Saturday all day yesterday (Friday). On train in to Charing Cross I was thinking I hope all the football supporters are not in the pubs, then I was thinking oh -- is never there on a Saturday. -- WAS there, looking stunning in blood red tight blouse over those huge boobs. But after one I went to --, and slim brunette was behind bar and pub was packed, why so busy on a Saturday I thought, but of course it was packed, it was Friday afternoon, so I went for one in Comedy Pub, then came back in to -- and there was --, hair wild and long and beautiful, "She is trying to impress someone" said slim, --'s blouse undone really low as well so I could see top of white vest holding those boobies in place. Bought her a drink, she asked for a half cider and I said no Baileys? so she changed to Baileys. I had three then was going to leave but Tongan appeared as well! So stayed for fourth, but next to -- Tongan seemed so small & slight. Back to Calcutta for at least one more so that is seven or eight, home on 630pm train I think.

Friday, 21 December 2018

To think I have been in the room where Heroes was conceived and given birth to. Song and album. Musically that building, that room, is the holy of holies

To think I have been in the room where Heroes was conceived, and given birth to. Song, and album. Musically, that building, that room, is the holy of holies.

Tuesday, 18 December 2018

I got on last carriage of course and following me to get on very pretty brunette girl

I got on last carriage of course and following me to get on very pretty brunette girl, sat in seat in front on other side, soon looked back over her shoulder and our eyes met, Getting off at London Bridge with her friend standing at door she turned right around so she could look at me again. Really big meaty thighs and hips but such such pretty face and straight brown hair.
The amazing thing is A SEASON IN HELL is now my favourite book [soon to be re-issued as GRAND HOTEL], it is so good, so intense, so powerful. And to think there wasn't even an idea for such a book until December 1st and by December 9th it was done and published! THERAPY will be almost as good I reckon.


Sunday, 16 December 2018

Yes financially it would be stupid to go Brussels on 9th January for two nights

Yes financially it would be stupid to go Brussels on 9th January for two nights, but £50 Eurostar and £119 Ibis, plus say £200 spend is only £369, and for the high pleasure of L'Orient Express, Ibis bar, chicken & chips, Le Coin, Cine Paris and Fifth….? Last trip for several months? Or why not just postpone it until March, say, and instead enjoy --. Yes Brussels, but the burning thought of being able to pay off £500 a month off my credit cards is strong.

Saturday, 15 December 2018

Whole -- family on train to Charing Cross tonight

Whole -- family on train to Charing Cross tonight (7 minutes late again by time we arrived), but just through gap in chairs I could see one of them was stunning peroxide blonde voluptuous ponytail girl, in red Xmas jumper, beautiful, slight Asiatic features and accent, and once she mentioned the word Japan, so reckon half Japanese-English. Beautiful. Just my type. Stunning.
Stunning new young cleaner, shy, no English, M-- Zapata, stunning beautiful cheeks and bone structure you would expect from a Zapata, so pretty.

Friday, 14 December 2018

Listening to Million Reasons on walk back home this morning I felt I have got one more really big C-- day in me before Christmas

Listening to Million Reasons on walk back home this morning, I felt I have got one more really big C-- day in me before Christmas. Where I go deep. Maybe Sunday.
"There’s a theory — first put forward by the British writer Lucille Iremonger — about the drive for power and control among children who were abandoned at an early age. Writing in 1970, Iremonger noted that 67 percent of U.K. prime ministers from the start of the 19th century to 1939 had lost a parent before the age of 16. Others have remarked that 12 U.S. presidents, including Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, lost their fathers while they were young. Theresa May lost both parents in her 20s. Davis not only fits this pattern perfectly; when the theory is mentioned, he’s immediately familiar with it. “It’s called the fight-on complex,” he says. “Lucille Iremonger wrote about lots of orphaned, or illegitimate children.” Does Davis have this fight-on complex? “I don’t know,” he says. “I think people are what they do.” " ** Going early you see SO many sexy young girls. Stunning black ponytail girl, exotic olive skin, looked like with English mother and Asian/Persian father waiting to get on train at Victoria, blue & white stripe sailor jumper over lovely knockers, could see outline of bra under it as well. Big black made-up eyes, stunning, one of the all time great beauties. Bit like A-- or those M&S girls.


Tuesday, 11 December 2018

Woke 5am with window open to sound of rain or snow falling outside, ice cold, but naked and mostly uncovered and loving the coldness

Woke 5am with window open to sound of rain or snow falling outside, ice cold, but naked and mostly uncovered, and loving the coldness. Desperate for piss, but then started to think of Tongan and then got erection that just would not go away, Thought of being in my own flat now cuddled in bed with her, watching TV, f**king. Long for her. But today more snow and ice. Trains to -- surely out of the question. Anyway start 1pm with Calcutta and --. Then decide whether to press on to -- or --.

Monday, 10 December 2018

SNOW! Proper thick snow everywhere as I came home. I yearn to see C-- today

SNOW! Proper thick snow everywhere as I came home. I yearn to see C-- today, whoever she is or isn't working with, just to see her. I need to lie down, but I am conscious if she was on the afternoon shift today she would be leaving home and starting her journey to the -- now, so I want to be as well. If no names I think I will probably stay home today (Charing X closed). *** Christ even THERAPY is brilliant now! I am loving it! Splitting THERAPY from A SEASON IN HELL has absolutely worked [the latter now rewritten as GRAND HOTEL] Woke 245pm and saw C-- and I-- after 7, but with --/--/--/--. Not enough in this ice cold snowy icy weather. Well done.



Sunday, 9 December 2018

One other thing from -- on Thursday while I was huddled in corner talking to -- she was in that little side bit apparently taking selfies but noticeably the phone was pointing in MY direction

One other thing from -- on Thursday, while I was huddled in corner talking to --, she was in that little side bit apparently taking selfies but noticeably the phone was pointing in MY direction while she was taking her selfies, so she could just as easily have been taking pictures of me. And then when I ended the call and approached the bar that is when she confessed she only gave ME wrong change, as I confused her, she didn't know why. Funny how she stood there facing me with camera though, flicking her hair when I looked to make it LOOK like she was taking selfies; similar to that grey coat blonde on -- platform two nights earlier who stood facing ME the whole time while we waited for train. The smiles from Tongan, the desire from S--. I am feeling very attractive right now.  *** 437am A SEASON IN HELL is published. Just in review now. My fifth book. Suddenly realise the preceding diary entries 1996-1998 in the THERAPY period DO look quite interesting now they stand alone!

Saturday, 8 December 2018

Some incredible little things have been happening actually

Some incredible little things have been happening actually. First I got that clear sign that -- was attracted to me, because she was all jumpy that week day I went in and bought her a drink, but then Sunday I saw her next and she said thanks to me so coldly with hatred in her eyes. Then last time I saw Tongan she was smiling at me so sexily and I felt a spark between us. Then Tuesday on way to work that blonde in grey coat stood on -- platform eating her crisps but standing facing my way the whole time as I walked up & down platform, when there was no reason at all to be facing my way. Then that INCREDIBLE out of the blue comment from -- yesterday "You confuse me! I don't know why!" which gave me an instant erection, the meaning behind the words seeming so clear.

Friday, 7 December 2018

Got 12 o'clock train to Calcutta, -- there looking beautiful in elegant bow-tied black blouse and red lipstick

Got 12 o'clock train to Calcutta, -- there looking beautiful in elegant bow-tied black blouse and red lipstick. Shortchanged me again by one pound which I pointed out. Early to packed -- and new girl Sophie. -- was packed and no girls behind bar so straight back to Calcutta for pints 3-5. Took call from Gavin as I came in so was huddled in corner talking to him before finally going to bar, whereupon -- was shyly grinning as she poured my pint and said "I only give wrong change to you! You confuse me! I don't know why!" What a stunning thing for her to admit! What was she really trying to tell me? Surely that was her letting me know I affected her and she is attracted to me? Later she came up and gave me my card as I had forgotten it haha. I told her she must confuse me as well. Very very interesting. -- just came back to life for me.


Tuesday, 4 December 2018

Well went in to -- for two pints on way back to Charing Cross after work Sunday

Well went in to -- for two pints on way back to Charing Cross after work Sunday. S-- and lesbian. A completely cold, unsmiling thank you from S-- as I left, cold as ice, contempt. Which of course just proves that she DID want me to do something the other day. Calcutta was closed lucky for me, so home by 945pm. Woke up this morning dreaming of --, finding me at party, angry that I never did anything with her. I pulled her back, "give me another chance". Woke with iron hard erection. What memories -- gave me, how I lusted after her.

Monday, 3 December 2018

That incredible moment Friday night when that beautiful girl at -- Station followed me from front of train to the very back

That incredible moment Friday night when that beautiful girl at -- Station followed me from front of train to the very back. That incredible moment Saturday when -- Tongan was smiling and laughing with me, and I am sure caught her looking at me from the side. A SEASON IN HELL has just been born. It is fantastic. I realise I can suddenly claim back £2,100.
When I really want something, like wanting my own little nest now, I always find a way inexorably somehow to make it happen.